- Apr 1, 2015
- 304
- 47
- 166
After receiving my bone marrow results that the Lymphoma was in the marrow and because my side effects were bad I was scheduled right away for Chemo. We drove over 4 hours to the hospital leaving at 3 am. Treatment started Monday and ended today (Tuesday). It was very difficult for me to walk into the chemo room. I've seen them in movies or shows and at that moment reality hit me like a ton of bricks. My treatment went well for the 2 days and surprisingly enough I am happy to return to my home in the north. I am exhausted, shaky and quite weak. It's been a hellofa ride so far. Last Thursday I called my nurse in Sudbury to ask her some questions. The main question, the most important question was Am I going to die? She said to me Hopefully not. Once again the harsh reality was just too much to take. After that call I got out a bottle of wine and throughout the evening I drank the bottle which unfortuanately turned into a mental breakdown which lasted into the next morning. I scared my husband and even my poor dog. My husband was quite upset with the nurse having said that and I was upset because 2 weeks earlier my Oncologist said No, you're not going to die. Little did we know that my worst fear came true; no longer Stage 1, now Stage 4. Absolutely frigging devastating! Makes me sick to my stomach. How will I ever come to terms with this disease when I don't feel like the person that is sick and getting treatments? But I do feel sick and I am the one being injected with medicine. I just can't accept it. Now a whole new list of woories. Infection. The Chemo class that my husband and I had to attend scared the living crap out of me I thought I was going to pass out if it wasn't for my husband to keep putting his arm around me. I feel like I have to live in a bubble; watch what I eat, what I do, what I touch, who I am in contact with, most importantly being careful around my dog and my ladies who are my family. As of Sunday night I knew my life was about to change and never be the same. This is now a part of who I am but I will never let it be all that I am. I have so much yet to learn about Follicular Lymphoma and I am still very frightened. I want to see my son get married, have his first child, be there for him always. I want to grow old with my husband. I want to survive. I didn't ask for this disease and hopefully someday I won't blame myself for it happening but for now I am going to learn for the first time in my 49 years to slow down, listen to my body, rest as much as I can and live each day enjoying the smallest things. I will not allow this to break me anymore because it's not worth my energy. I hope all of you can teach me ways to learn how to accept my fate, teach me how to relax and get through the difficult days. Thank you for listening.
