I'm tired of family always being at me... I can't cry cause there is always someone around... our friends mean well, but just end up making me worse... so I turn to strangers who feel like friends to say what I have to say...
My dear sweet wonderful husband, who has never even had a cavity, will be having brain surgery sometime in October. He is only 45, healthy as a horse, except for this brain thing. Five years ago he started having seizures, which we found out about due to his 2 major car accidents. I was told he must have had an angel up his tush cause no man should have been able to walk away from those accidents.
It has been a long 5 years going from doctor to doctor, trying medication after medication, only to find out he is medication resistant. He lost his license due to his seizures, so I am the only driver in the house. We both work full-time jobs and have active teen-age (ish) children. Sleep has become non-existent to me these days. I toss and turn, listening to his every breath since finding out that he is having seizures in his sleep and we never knew it. They are silent seizures, like someone rebooting a computer.
I trust the doctors. I believe in the doctors. I know that they are doing all they can for him. I know that surgery may be the only way to give him a more normal life. We have been told the seizures will continue to get worse. I know all this, I am an intelligent person, I understand. BUT... this is my husband. This is the love of my life, the man I was to grow old and wrinkly with. This is the man that makes me laugh, makes me smile every time I think of him. I can't imagin life without him. What if he wakes up and doesn't know me? What if he forgets the kids?
I want him to be healthy. I want him to get well. I want him to be happy. But, I want him.
They are going to be operating so close to his memories and his speech center. Either one could be affected.
I have been in love with this man for over 20 years. I have been married to him for 16 years. We started as friends, he fell in love with me (I loved him from the first time I saw him), and now we are each other's lives.
I'm so afraid I want to scream. I can't cry, I can't show weakness, I have to be strong for the children, I have to be strong for my husband, I can't upset my in-laws or my parents. My friends mean well, but just keep telling me to be positive. I understand all that... but what if... just what if it doesn't turn out as it should.
I'm the type of person who has to look at all sides of the situation in front of me. My family and friends yell at me when I try to discuss what if. I have to have his insurance in place, his will in place, his power of attorney in place... just in case. I can't be caught blind sided, but this doesn't mean I am planning for the worst. I am planning for the what if.
Should I really be wearing my blinders and be the happy go lucky wife who knows in her heart that everything will be fine and he will be okay? Is that healthy? Is that reality?
My world will stop if something happens to him, but my will go on for the kids.
Bottom line is... I don't know how to live without him... I'm afraid to live without him. I'm afraid something will go wrong. I'm afraid all the time now. I cry on the inside while I smile on the outside. No one hears me screaming that its not fair... why him... its not about me... its about him, I love him. Sometimes it feels like everything is moving so fast around me, but looks like everything is moving in slow motion. I know your probably don't understand, I don't understand, but it is the strangest feeling.
I'm sorry to be rambling, but I greatly appreciate you reading.
Edited by Buugette - 1/4/12 at 8:46am