my mummy is dead. - Page 4

Not feeling much like posting on BYC right now - It will be a whole month since mommy died in just 6 days? It is the longest Mom and Dad have ever been parted.

I guess that is how I felt. - Other folk lost parents, it happend to other families. It didn;t happen to my mummy. My mummy would live forever!

Silly really but that is how you think isn't it. Your own parents are indistructable! - I keep going over and over in my mind of that last day. I was going to phone in the afternoon but my lad with the brain injury turned up and he was in one of his hard to handle moods. It got late and I knew because it was my parents wedding anniversary they would have had loads of folk over. So I thought I will just phone in the morning and ask them about how it all went. ( I am in Ireland they are a plane ride away so I couldn't just jump in the car) I keep thinking - if I phoned I would have been able to tell Dad she was having a heart attack - I have worked with Heart patients, I would have known instantly. Instead bless him he was trying to get her to lay down and make her comfortable for the night but of course folk having a heart attack have to sit, so naturally she couldn;t lay down and it was only after several attempts he finally called the on call out of hours nurse number.

He didn;t think to call emergency because he simply thought she had strained her chest which their GP was treating her for. She did that a few days before so it was easy for him to think it was just her muscles. ( Having Post polio everything hurt - it is a muscle wasting disease) By the time the on call nurse had got the ambulance it was too late. She was already dead in his arms when they got there. They worked on her of course but it was really only a seen to be done excersize. The EMT came down to my Dad and said " were trying all we can but it doesn;t look good" He knew she was gone.

I cannot imagine how awful it must have been for him. Then after that he phoned Mums sister who came dashing back after having been there earlier in the day. He also phoned my sister who came running and then me - he cried and cried on the phone. I think just relief that he didn;t have to phone anyone else. It must have been horrendous. My aunt and sister took over sorting mum and waiting on the coroner and the police. They were all very good and nice to daddy. Bless him he was showing them all the wedding album he had out becuase of the anniversary. They were wonderful with him. One of the police fellows told him that- " she was a stunner and he pulled and really good one there!" I am sure Dad will remember that. My mum was a very good looking girl in her younger days. My Dad was crying a lot and telling me he missed me on the phone, he kept saying he didn't know what to do. It was so hard to get over, it took forever to get over. 6 whole days to get flights and the kids cared for and of course nail down a possible funeral date. - Of course once over there DH and I just went into practical / profesional and delt with everything. I had endless lists of things to get through. Stupid things like taking Daddy to get a new white shirt and making him have coffee in the coffee shops because he went there with mum. We covered a lot of firsts! So he didnt; have to face them alone. I did get to see Mummy. - I was glad I got to see mummy.

The day of the funeral is a blurr - I just know I didn't cry. I just put on my big fur bonnet and dark glasses. I practically dragged poor daddy through the service. I just stood on my high boots with Daddy crying on my shoulder and the hymn words in the other hand and kept on singing. I kind of went into overdrive. The hard thing was the crem. Here you have warning as the casket lowers slowely. There it was well - the minister said let us bow our heads to pray - when we looked up the curtain was pulled and mummy was gone - just like that. She didn;t even slowely go back through the curtain  - but Daddy said it was good because he didn;t want to see her moving away from him. So I guess that was fine. I suppose I just wanted to see her as long as I could and instead, it was that she left in body, as in spirit she just disapeared suddenly.

Now I guess I have time to think and - time for my own thoughts and grief. I can't believe she is gone. I wont ever send another anniversary card or talk to mummy or ask Daddy how is mummy? if she is sleeping when I phone or skype. She wont ever be sitting in her chair when I skype Daddy again. - Yeap I feel orphaned!

Oesdog