my mummy is dead. - Page 6

Quote:

Originally Posted by Opa 

Death, grieving, remembrance.  We all face it in different ways.  I remember with my first wife how frantic she would become each year, at the beginning of winter, about getting grave blankets placed upon her parents graves.  Now 40+ years later I don't think she has visited their graves in years.  Does that infer that she no longer misses them or honors them any less?  I doubt it.  It's just time and responsibilities tend to blunt the sorrow and make it easier to handle.

 

My father was adamant about not wanting a funeral service.  His position was "if you can't come and see me when I am alive, don't come and see me when I'm dead."  We had him cremated and his ashes placed in a wall of remembrance at a Veterans cemetery near his home.  Had I known that my mother would be living with us I would have selected something much closer to us.  I have mentioned taking her to visit and she declines stating that I help her mentally visit with him with my references to things he did with and for us and the things he would have enjoyed were he with us still.  Occasionally our memories create a tear but more often they bring joy.

 

I've noticed that when someone passes the family goes through many stages of mourning with regard to their loved ones grave.  Initially they go there often.  Then a few times a year while feeling guilty that they haven't been there more often.  Then finally they rarely, if at all, return to the gravesite.  And for this I don't fault them.  It's not neglect but a reality of moving forward with their own lives.  The best tribute we can pay our loved ones is by not dwelling on their death and the loss, but by remembering their lives and how we were enriched by them.

 

I have asked my sons, upon my death, to each take a portion of my ashes and spread them somewhere that is meaningful to them.  A special place that hold memories of something we shared.  I would much rather that their thoughts not be on my death but on my life.

 

You will eventually reach a place that your loss is easier and you will find the peace they would want for you.

I guess folk deal with things in different ways. - I would rather have a grave site. - We have a "family" grave site here. DH's family of course. Which I will be in one day. I like the history and beauty and tranquility of a grave yard. ( I love old grave yards and reading headstones!) We often visit our relatives and that I find a comfort. They DH's Mum and Dad are buried. There are things I didn;t do that I would have done if Mum was buried. For example I would have loved to give her a photo of Jess ( Our grandbaby) to take with her. - But I couldn;t bare the thought of even a photo of wee Jess being burned so I didn't do it. I keep thinking Mum went and she didn;t even have her wedding band on or her handbag with her. Two of the most important things women take everywhere. For her to go to eternity without them is nearly unthinkable?  Daddy has her wedding band on a chain now. Where as my Mother-in - law has hers where it belongs on her finger.

I told my daughter I wanted her to lay me out and dress me for burial. - She imediately said - Ohhh Good mummy because I am going to dress you and make you up as a clown!!!!

I think she was surprised when I said - "what a wonderful idea"! How many folk would get a right old chuckle if they came to view me and saw a clown! I guess I have a sence of humour I would appreciate that and my daughter knows that too! I guess the only problem with that would be if - like some folk believe you spend eternity in the clothes your Buried/cremated in! Eternity as a clown could be interesting?!!!!

As for visiting graves - I still go and see the grave of a little girl I knew when I was 6yrs old and she was 4yrs old. Sadly she died of measles when she was only 4. Now over 40yrs later I still go visit her when I go back home. I guess there are many ways folk grieve. My little friend helped me through many years when I was a child as I visited and talked to her often. I went to School with her sister and her mother was our dinner lady. I have never forgotten her and we shared a first name which was also special. Even though I don;t live nearby anymore I still make a point to visit everytime I am in the area. If she were cremated - I simply wouldn;t have had that realtionship /friendship with her all these years. There wouldn't have been anywhere to visit.

Oesdog - graves are good things!!!!!!! but not for everyone!

It has been exactly one week already since my mothers ashes were placed in the garden of remembrance. I have not been able to bring myself to face this. My father has been very brave and is doing very well considering everything. There is a little place apparently to put flowers and there is also space for her name on a mamorial stone but there doesn;t seem to be any "room" or gaps between names so likely Dads name will be eventually seperated from mums when he dies. We are talking to the minister about that right now so hopefully it can be sorted out. For the first time in weeks I have felt my mothers presence in a good way. When she died I fet incredible anger from her and this left me feeling very upset. Now all these weeks later I can somehow feel her here like she is watching me. I know some will think it a bit odd to say that. But it is like her spirit is here with me and even in me. I find myself feeling like she would have felt. Odd times in the day like when I was sitting in the garden watching my grandaughter and I just felt like she was looking right out of my eyes! It is a great comfort to me knowing she is here in a small way. She has never been to my home or shared in all the things I would have loved to have her been part of. I feel now finally I can share these things with her. Simply taking the car down the coast and thinking isn;t it a wonderful view out across the bay and then thinking mummy you would have loved this then feeling her there beside me in the car looking!!!!!!

Finally I am feeling closure.

Oesdog
 

Thanks so much you have all helped me greatly in getting through this awful time.

Oes
 

Thanks for that - It's only been a few days since mums ashes were interned. Dad was telling me he saw her in the garden when he was putting his washing on his line? He said she was so real but when he went to step toward her she disapeared. It is funny how I was saying I felt her presence and then he tells me that. He said it was like she came to tell him she was ok. He said she was looking at the flowers he planted for her and at the bird feeders he put out for the birds she loved.

Maybe she is here looking out for us all in some way? - I miss her.

Oes