Instant 12 year old boy! Family/rules advice please? - Page 2

80 percent of language is non verbal. That means the nephew will need to learn a new non spoken language. Non spoken language is all the eye rolls, looks, body movements, and facial expressions that give us clues about how our family is feeling. So you will need to spend time with the boy, and be willing to explain moods and other social clues to him. the first year will be the hardest. Just think that the boy is from another country and has to learn about living in his new country. 

Best wishes

so im a kid, I didnt read the entire thread so i dont know if you have some advice from a kids point of veiw or what but still here

Make sure he cant bend under the rules, but dont be too strict. My mom (and when i visited my grandma) went nuts going as a kid cause her mom was so strict, however my dad had like NO rules LOL! Make sure to make real dinners, otherwise he'll just eat snacks and never eat dinner, my mom works from 8 am to 6 pm everynight so i dont get many meals but when she does make them, it tastes so I think its healthier if you have 3 meals a day, and snacks in between (im a snacker, i eat little bits at time) and ALWAYS ALWAYS make sure he has friends to hang out with, and if he doesnt force him to call some one or something, it sucks having no friends , its better to have a mad kid about not hanging out with friends then a sad kid whos friends with someone he doesnt like

You've gotten a lot of great advise.  I agree with punishment that you can enforce.  Also, i wouldn't worry to much about breakfast, most schools have breakfast.  My neighbors daughter catches her bus at 7:55, gets to school before 8:15 and school doesn't start til 9:30!

You say he's a good kid, make sure he has GOOD friends.  At that age, peer pressure is tremendous. 

A good balance of home chores, family time and friend time is very helpful. 

As for schoolwork, if he doesn't like a class, ask him some real life questions.  Sometimes just showing him how the class relates to real life will change his attitude towards it.

Good luck and Bless you for taking this on!

I am a dad of three boys 19, 18, and 16. boys are rather easy as long as you remember these things.

1. be consistent always ( it doesn't matter in what )

2. be honest (even if they wont like it)

3. never threaten or empty promise (always follow through or explain why you can't or wont)

****Your House Your Rules******* set them, hold them to it, if you need to change them follow #3(but never on a whim or in anger, "wait-think-decide"

I would recommend you and your husband talk about the rules decide on them, then set him down in a non aggressive environment (like dinner an Mc D's or your favorite resteraunt) and discuss with him the rules and expectations.

Sounds like things are starting to go well.  Good luck.  

If you have the time...

-you could encourage college with your nephew (and any other kid!) by planting a "seed".  I've always used the words "when you go to college" with mine - never "if you go to college", then

- set  him up in a situation where he's volunteering somewhere.  Keep track of his volunteer hours and make sure he knows that this is in preparation for his college applications!  My son is a senior in high school and not only holds down a parttime job - he has accumulated over 500 volunteer hours at a therapeutic horsemanship program! 

The volunteer work will help keep him busy, give him some positive goals, and make him feel good about himself.

Quote:

Originally Posted by klmclain1 

If you have the time...

-you could encourage college with your nephew (and any other kid!) by planting a "seed".  I've always used the words "when you go to college" with mine - never "if you go to college", then

- set  him up in a situation where he's volunteering somewhere.  Keep track of his volunteer hours and make sure he knows that this is in preparation for his college applications!  My son is a senior in high school and not only holds down a parttime job - he has accumulated over 500 volunteer hours at a therapeutic horsemanship program! 

 

The volunteer work will help keep him busy, give him some positive goals, and make him feel good about himself.

Excellent advice!  "If" implies that something may or may not occur, and "when" implies that it will; always best to expect the best. 

Quote:

Originally Posted by ChickensAreSweet 

I have an 11 year old boy.

 

Here you go:

 

"Morning chores": bed made, teeth brushed (USE TOOTHPASTE AND WATER), dressed (PUT ON CLEAN UNDERWEAR), breakfast eaten and ready for the day

"Nighttime chores": computer off,  teeth brushed (SEE ABOVE), homework done, dishes off table

 

If he doesn't do the chores, early bedtime because he "must be tired."  Normal bedtime 9 pm on school nights, 10 pm on weekends.

 

Set up the rules at the beginning. Never fail to follow through on the punishment if he doesn't follow the rules. Last resort: 25 pushups.

 

NO TV, games, or music that you don't approve of. It is YOUR home.

 

Ask him to cook some. Give him a cookbook and tell him to go wild...buy the ingredients and supervise of course.

 

You have a good opportunity for him to do chores like house cleaning, weeding, painting, etc. and he will earn a little money from you for it if you give payment.

 

Keep him so busy that he falls into the bed at night.

 

Happy is busy for 11 year olds.

 

Oh and homework after dinner, so he can unwind from school.

 

One more thing: I let him do his own thing on weekends. He loves the freedom of not having to make his bed, etc. on weekends.

Great stuff!!! I added a few things as 11 year olds seem to do things their own way ....

You also left out the shower every day ..... check the tub to make sure he is turning on the water as boys HATE to be clean

When you bust him after finding a dry tub, you must then check his washcloth as he will sit on the toilet and just let the shower run

When you bust him with a dry washcloth, the next step will be to smell his arms and make sure you smell soap

since he will then wash only his arms after being busted that way, you can try his back ,,, check his ears ,,,,(I am having flashbacks! )

How do I know this you ask? We took in an 11 year old orphan boy almost 4 years ago and this is what we went through

OH! And I used to be an 11 year old boy

The good news is when they become teenagers, it's hard to keep them OUT of the shower

BTW ... he is still with us and we are blessed beyond measure

My main advice is to keep your rules consistent with what his parents expect of him. Yes, it is your house and your rules but, I feel you should work not only with him but, his parents on setting those rules. (I assume this was a given already, but, just wanted to mention it lol)

I had a very hard to handle son. When he was 12 I had a second child and he got harder to handle. Rules had no meaning for him. Consequences had even less meaning. We got to the point that his room contained a bed, a dresser and an alarm clock...no door even! Because of trust issues and rule breaking.

You want to make sure he has enough room to breath and grow to be his individual self. You cannot "force"  him into what you expect him to be. You can gently nudge, set guidelines and set appropriate consequences but, without his co-operation they mean nothing.

At 11 you should still be able to have control though. Actual rules should revolve around teaching him personal responsibility and keeping the home harmonious. I agree 11yr old boys HATE to clean themselves. Being specific on what is expected is great. I also put things in writing so there is no way for him to wiggle out of it.

I love "chikensaresweet"'s list.!!!