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Family trouble here... Caution: Rant.

post #1 of 25
Thread Starter 

My sister is pregnant. 

 

Now, before y'all start offering congrats, let me explain why my family is so angry and sad about this. Zoe, my sister, is 20 years old. Two years ago, she "fell in love" with a boy, who proceeded to cheat on her. Within a week of breaking up with him, she "fell in love" with another guy, whom she broke up with when his job in the Air Force kept him from spending much time with her (well, what did she expect?) She then "fell in love" again, with a boy who assaulted her while on a date. Two weeks later? In love again, with a depressed, suicidal boy who couldn't live without her. They broke up about two months ago, and of course, a week later, she's "in love" yet again, with a boy who dropped out of high school because it was "too hard," who works at a Starbucks inside a grocery store, and who lives with his parents. Three weeks after they start dating, she moves in with him. She is cautioned by Mom and Dad that this will not end well, but she still leaves. 

 

One week ago, she announces that she is pregnant, about 6 weeks along. 

 

She was taught, since she was a small child, that such behavior is wrong, and not just for moral reasons. She has no job, cannot keep a hold on money, and the young man she's with is a loser! Neither of them have a college degree. She is not a kid person by any means; whenever she was on babysitting duty, she'd sit and text for hours and leave me or my brother to deal with whatever happened. Her having a baby is a BAD IDEA. She already has said she wants the baby, wants to make a happy little family with Mr. Dropout, and wants us all to applaud her as a pro-life model for the rest of the family. When mom and Dad refuse to congratulate her, she starts spreading a story around that we have kicked her out of the house, that Mom hates her guts, and she is the victim in all this. My family has expended thousands of dollars on her welfare! We took out a second mortgage to cover the costs of her stay in a ward for her eating disorder. We bought her a horse. We bought her a computer. We drove her all over the country to cavy shows. We sent her to to college before she dropped out. We have spent more on her than on any of us other kids combined! And yet she has the gall to act like she's the one who's put upon? We are tired of all of the drama, that's all! 

 

And my mom is having a baby herself in 20 weeks, and with 8 other kids to deal with, several of which have health or behavioral issues, she does not have the emotional strength to deal with Zoe! Zoe has already turned several family members against mom with her vicious lies. She doesn't dare go against Dad... he's not as easily hurt or as pacific as Mom is. Zoe wants monetary support and emotional acceptance from us, and it's hard to give either after all she's put us through! 

 

Ughhh. This is going to be a long, hard few months. 


Edited by Tanichca - 7/4/12 at 4:17pm

“God is God. Because he is God, He is worthy of my trust and obedience. I will find rest nowhere but in His holy will that is unspeakably beyond my largest notions of what he is up to.” - Elisabeth Elliot

 

Catholic teen, living in my orange house with ten siblings, a dog, four cats, and more chickens than I can count! 

 

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“God is God. Because he is God, He is worthy of my trust and obedience. I will find rest nowhere but in His holy will that is unspeakably beyond my largest notions of what he is up to.” - Elisabeth Elliot

 

Catholic teen, living in my orange house with ten siblings, a dog, four cats, and more chickens than I can count! 

 

Reply
post #2 of 25

Wow!  She will have to grow up fast unless there are those who will enable her to continue to be so immature.  She will soon see how tough it is with a new baby!  My prayers are with you and your family.  It will all work out in the end!

post #3 of 25

Oh Tani hugs.gif. You have alot on your  plate right now. I just hope you don't have to help raise your sister's child when she tires of the motherhood thing. I know your family will pull together and help the child, but your sister needs to grow up. We are here to listen any time you need to rant. Maybe she should be wearing  a bucket.roll.png

amazing husband who puts up with (and enjoys) an ever growing menagerie of chickens (two many to count)  I'M A HATCHAHOLIC! 1 wolf dog, I crazy rescue shepherd ,9 barn cats. Growing our own hops for home-brew. We moved here to retire, LOL

 

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amazing husband who puts up with (and enjoys) an ever growing menagerie of chickens (two many to count)  I'M A HATCHAHOLIC! 1 wolf dog, I crazy rescue shepherd ,9 barn cats. Growing our own hops for home-brew. We moved here to retire, LOL

 

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post #4 of 25
First off, I am so sorry for what you all are going through. That is a lot of stress and emotional hurt and worry to take. I do think there at steps that can be taken that will be healthier for all. All of the following is purely opinion.

Sounds like there is a lot going on there. For one, borderline personality disorder as a possibility. Also, some interesting family dynamics. But, here's the deal, she is 20, and a legal adult. Her choices are now her choices to make and live with. If the baby (and if the pregnancy is actually true rather than a manipulative lie on her part) is born, other than reporting any provable issues to the authorities or taking baby if mom decides motherhood isn't going to happen, there's really nothing you all can do. Pushing and attempting control seems like it has continuously backfired, and is likely to continue to be the case.

What I would not recommend doing is continuing to be so involved in her life. I mean that in many ways. Stop giving any financial aid. If that is still occurring and continues, it will not help matters. Some in this situation do chose to allow one line of financial aid open, and that is payment for a live-in therapy program. The results I've seen from that have been very mixed. Most times, it has helped the person undergoing treatment to gain more balance in their life, but did not help family interactions or relations. Also, stop treating her decisions as anything other than her decisions. If there is worry about how it reflects on the family, how she should or should not do this or that...it is time to step back. There are many avenues that can help in that area including any skilled (because man, there are plenty of not-great ones out there) councelors or therapists. While reading this, it honestly sounds like you and your family are the people marrying this guy and not her. That level of concern over a choice another adult is making is not healthy for anyone. I definitely realize that is a case of easier said than done, but I do hope your family is able to talk this out with each other, and to start to let go. Whatever you decide, I wish for the best possible outcome for you all.
post #5 of 25

hugs.gif  Not sure what to say. Sorry. 

If you are passionate about what you care about, you will
not fail.
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If you are passionate about what you care about, you will
not fail.
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post #6 of 25

hugs.gifDoes your sister have ADHD disorder?

President of the Welsummer Club of North America & BYC Member since 4/11/2002 and Appenzeller Spitzhaubens

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President of the Welsummer Club of North America & BYC Member since 4/11/2002 and Appenzeller Spitzhaubens

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post #7 of 25
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by punk-a-doodle View Post

First off, I am so sorry for what you all are going through. That is a lot of stress and emotional hurt and worry to take. I do think there at steps that can be taken that will be healthier for all. All of the following is purely opinion.

Sounds like there is a lot going on there. For one, borderline personality disorder as a possibility. Also, some interesting family dynamics. But, here's the deal, she is 20, and a legal adult. Her choices are now her choices to make and live with. If the baby (and if the pregnancy is actually true rather than a manipulative lie on her part) is born, other than reporting any provable issues to the authorities or taking baby if mom decides motherhood isn't going to happen, there's really nothing you all can do. Pushing and attempting control seems like it has continuously backfired, and is likely to continue to be the case.

What I would not recommend doing is continuing to be so involved in her life. I mean that in many ways. Stop giving any financial aid. If that is still occurring and continues, it will not help matters. Some in this situation do chose to allow one line of financial aid open, and that is payment for a live-in therapy program. The results I've seen from that have been very mixed. Most times, it has helped the person undergoing treatment to gain more balance in their life, but did not help family interactions or relations. Also, stop treating her decisions as anything other than her decisions. If there is worry about how it reflects on the family, how she should or should not do this or that...it is time to step back. There are many avenues that can help in that area including any skilled (because man, there are plenty of not-great ones out there) councelors or therapists. While reading this, it honestly sounds like you and your family are the people marrying this guy and not her. That level of concern over a choice another adult is making is not healthy for anyone. I definitely realize that is a case of easier said than done, but I do hope your family is able to talk this out with each other, and to start to let go. Whatever you decide, I wish for the best possible outcome for you all.

That is some solid advice, thank you. thumbsup.gif  It does have to reflect back on us in some way, because we are a solid Catholic family, this situation withstanding. People are asking my parents where they went wrong, like this is their fault! But still, I will relay some of this back to mom and dad. 

“God is God. Because he is God, He is worthy of my trust and obedience. I will find rest nowhere but in His holy will that is unspeakably beyond my largest notions of what he is up to.” - Elisabeth Elliot

 

Catholic teen, living in my orange house with ten siblings, a dog, four cats, and more chickens than I can count! 

 

Reply

“God is God. Because he is God, He is worthy of my trust and obedience. I will find rest nowhere but in His holy will that is unspeakably beyond my largest notions of what he is up to.” - Elisabeth Elliot

 

Catholic teen, living in my orange house with ten siblings, a dog, four cats, and more chickens than I can count! 

 

Reply
post #8 of 25

Ever hear the expression, "parents' hearts are what children cut their teeth on?" While I think that's a pretty grim view of parenthood, I do know that some children seem determined to break their parents' hearts.

 

My older brother was one of those. In case you didn't know, my father is a retired Methodist minister. While I was growing up, dad often had 2, sometimes 3 churches he was serving. For us, basically, if the church doors were open, we were there. My mother taught Sunday School, Vacation Bible School, was involved in all of the things that "Miz. Preacher" might be expected to do. You'd better believe, we knew exactly the way of the straight and narrow. But my brother seemed set on going his own way. When we were teenagers, I called him "the rebel without a clue," because he couldn't seem to see the destructiveness of all the things that drew him like a magnet. Drugs, booze; he fortunately was a bit too shy to get involved with girls (besides, he always seemed to crush on other guys' girlfriends).roll.png How he managed to stay out of jail or the morgue had to be a matter of Grace, nothing less.

 

When he graduated from high school, my parents did what they could to help him with vehicles, insurance, landing jobs, apartments; nothing lasted for long. Finally, after one more job loss meant he was going to lose his apartment, my father put his foot down. Bro could only come back home if he signed up for military service, which he did. Thank the Lord, it worked out in the end, though there were plenty of bumps in the road. With nobody to blame but himself, and nobody to bail him out, Bro finally learned to accept that the majority of his problems were the direct result of his own bad choices. I won't pretend that life is all sweetness and light for him now - he has ongoing issues with clinical depression, for one thing - but he at least has learned how to be a responsible, productive adult.

 

I decided long ago, parenthood is one long guilt trip. I can't tell you how many times I heard my mother wonder what she had done wrong with Bro. I told her, "you do the best you can with what you've got at the time, and pray that it's enough." I have felt the heartbreak as other members of my extended family brought their children up with love and careful instruction, only to stand in helpless despair as the children they sacrificed so much for spun off irresponsibly into unhealthy relationships (and in several cases, presented them with illegitimate grandchildren). I'm in no position to make diagnoses, but I can say, your parents aren't alone! Learning how to say, "I love you, but I don't love your choices. I care, but I can't help you with this - it's your load to carry," is very, very hard.  I'll be praying for all of you.hugs.gif

post #9 of 25

hugs.gif  Best of luck!  Definitely a tough situation all around.  And definitely know that it is perfectly within your rights to call out people who are being rude, pushy, and nosey (ie. implying that your sister's behavior is a direct result of your parents).  It's something I'm still trying to work on myself, but has helped when I have been able to work up the nerve to just say something like, "hey, you know, that is really uncalled for".     

post #10 of 25
Yeah..that's a really bad situation..and I feel for the child.
But here's the thing...shes 20.. you are not her and she is not you..
She has the right to make these choices in her life...just as you will when you become an adult.
You see...we cant always do what pleases our family...and as an adult..shes made this choice..
Now you guys need to let HER deal with the repercussions of her actions...
She wants to be an adult and parent..that's 100% on HER...
No bailing her out and babying her..
As for so called Christians judging your parents...yeah...they sound like nice folks. Really... roll.png
There is a time in life to stop worrying what others think of you..
Anyways...its her life ..her baby and her problem..
Try not to worry about things that that you cant control...
Best wishes...and who knows...maybe she'll be a wonderful mother.. smile.png

I prefer an ugly truth to a pretty lie. If someone is telling me the truth that is when i will give my heart. ~ Jack Nicholson 

Look! A ladder!! Maybe it leads to heaven, or a sandwich... 

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I prefer an ugly truth to a pretty lie. If someone is telling me the truth that is when i will give my heart. ~ Jack Nicholson 

Look! A ladder!! Maybe it leads to heaven, or a sandwich... 

Reply
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