Daughter broke up with boyfriend and I'm the one depressed! - Page 26
He has really touched my heart in so many ways. I want to mother him and have read everything I can on diabetes ( have to tread carefully though, he manages it his own way) .he lost his job and we have tried to help him although he is so fiercely independent. He was supposed to be with us for Christmas and I have already done his stocking and his advent calendar is here waiting for him. I have booked his flights for him to come on holiday next summer with us.
I think I have invested far more in this relationship than my daughter. I have probably been trying to compensate a bit ( lot) for her as she struggles to connect with people, so have really tried to draw him into the family. He has been so good for her, drawing her out and helping her have a social life that I think she will not be able to sustain if they break up. I cannot bear the pain she is going to feel if this happens, her self esteem is so low already but also I know my own heart is breaking. So many emotions... But I do have to remember it's not about me. So hard.
I want to contact him to ask what is going on but he has become distant, not answering me... Which I think is a sign he is leaving us. I have tried to build up a relationship with him because of my daughters aspergers, but I worry I have been too involved and hope I haven't put him off. I can't bear to think that maybe it's my fault if they break up .
I have 4 kids, this is my youngest daughter. I don't always get this involved or attached. My son's girlfriend lived with us for 6 years.. They have a daughter who is now 5 and were only 16 when she was born so the whole family lived with us. My grand daughter is like my own child and her mum, my sons girlfriend had been like a daughter. We have been so close and I loved her like my own too. They broke up a few months ago and we've had massive traumas but all sorted now I think. My grand daughter is with her dad ( and me) half the week and her mum the other half. Because of the child I still see her mum and we are close, though it's not like before. The thing is you just can't turn off those emotions, it really is like bereavement.
Anyway, long rambling self indulgent post - feels good to get it all out. This is therapy in itself!!
Hello! I know your post is several years old and I hope everything is going much better for both you and your daughter. I came across your post due to my own depressed feelings about my daughter recently breaking it off with her boyfriend of 3 years. I had also "incorporated" her boyfriend into our family on a regular basis and had come to think of him as the son I never had (I have 2 daughters). He was always around and he was a wonderful young man, from a wonderful family and had a very bright future. My daughter also seemed to be crazy about him. When she broke it off with him a few months ago, I knew I had to support her decision, but I couldn't shake the overwhelming feeling of sadness (almost like the death of someone you love). I had never even gotten the chance to say goodby to him. My heart broke for him also, as I knew he did not want to break it off and was very hurt by her. How did you get through this? Sometimes I feel ok, but at other times, I'll think about something that reminds me of him and I'll feel terrible. Any info on coping with this would be much appreciated! Thank you!
I am so glad to have stumbled upon this site. Until now, I thought I was crazy because I was having such a hard time with my adult daughter's break up. Her situation is a bit different from those that I have read, since she was pretty much in the beginning stages of a relationship with a guy that we both thought was perfect for her. I was so convinced that I had met my future son-in-law, and I really looked forward to getting to know him better, and welcoming him into our family. My daughter seemed to be so happy, and I shared in her joy. Then---when he went cold---I shared in her pain as well. I couldn't eat or sleep, and I didn't feel like I could talk about it with my friends. I was afraid that they would see me as a pathetic loser who was over involved in her daughter's life---and had no life of her own. But I lost something, too. I LIKED this guy, and I looked forward to the dinners together and getting to know his kids (previous marriage) and family. So, as many of you have said, I have been trying to take care of myself as best I can. I'm doing pretty well with the self-care, but maybe not so well at supporting my daughter. I am trying so hard---I really am---but I can't help but wonder what went wrong---and if there was something that she did or didn't do---that led to this breakup. I always seem to say the wrong thing...
But thanks for listening, and Happy Holidays to all of you!
Catsndogs and Cherylluz, I totally understand how you feel. I am on the other side of it now after 6 months, therapy and an antidepressant. I have always been a totally independent rational working professional but this shook me to my core. I knew it wasn't a "normal" reaction and really needed to figure out why I was taking my son's breakup so hard. I think I finally got to the bottom of my issue but am still very sensitive and a little scared that I could have had that much of a melt down! I did talk about it to my friends and family and they were actually very supportive. I think if the people in your life really know you they will understand where your pain is coming from and not judge you. I did everything anyone suggested like meditation, read books and all of it helped a little at a time. It helped to talk with the exception of my son who did not want to talk to me at all about it. I had to stop asking him questions because I was alienating him but was so desperate to understand what happened. Since that time they have gotten back together but my husband and I are keeping our guard up. I make a conscious effort not to get too involved unless I am asked. My son and I are on much better ground now.
My advice is to talk to some of your friends (I cried all the time). Tell them you know it seems dumb to be this upset but you can't help it. I also think the antidepressant helped and i am worried about going off it in a few months. Try to find people to talk to who have also suffered a loss of some kind. They will understand. If you have insurance that will cover therapy, do it. It can't hurt to talk to an impartial party and get their opinion. My only other advice is not to think too far into the future. Take each day one at a time. I found myself thinking about the holidays and what it would be like without her and then vacations without her and would get so upset. Don't do that! Stop yourself as soon as you start.
Let me know how you are. You are not crazy, just very loving and accepting. It only hurts this much because we love so much and so easily, which is a good thing.
Thank you for your sensitive and thoughtful reply. I am already doing some of the things that you mentioned---therapy and reading---and I have an appointment with a shrink in a few weeks---so I am willing to try the meds. I guess I have realized that there's more going on here than just the "simple" breakup of my daughter and her boyfriend. I feel like I've had the rug pulled out from under me---because maybe everything that I believed about my relationship with my daughter hasn't been true. And any Mothers out there will know that this is very sacred ground to tread on. So anyway, I am hoping that the therapy and the meds will at least help with some of the pain while I get this other stuff worked out. I know now that obsessing about their relationship hasn't been good for me, so I am trying very, very hard to build more of a life for myself----and trying harder to establish better boundaries with my daughter. (It's hard when you thought you were so close, and you live together...) I just want my daughter to find someone and be happy. She is a wonderful girl and so full of love---and it still makes me angry that he chose to throw it away. But in the end, I know that she deserves to be with someone who values and cherishes her, and it wasn't him. The books I've been reading have really helped, and I wish that I could recommend one single book---but some of the ones on "attachment" were actually the most helpful. Amazon has a good selection, for pretty cheap. Thank you to everyone who shared their story in this thread---this has actually been the MOST helpful thing for me---to find out that the embarrassing feelings that I was having were not really that unusual. Blessings to all of you.