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I need some input on parenting and my wife. - Page 2

post #11 of 42

Mom'sFolly has some very excellent advise and, although I disagree with her view on babies being able to be spoiled, I do realize that every baby is different.  Personally, I only have one baby.  My two eldest were brought in to the relationship by my wife.  My baby has been the easiest baby I've ever dealt with.  My Mom has babysat since before I was born, so we've always had newborns coming and going through the house.  I will preface my post by saying that I am very much of a natural-living type person.  My daughter did not receive the regular post-birth treatment of the eye drops, the Vitamin K shot, or the the HepB shot.  She also has not and will never have vaccinations, unless necessary like a tetanus shot after stepping on a nail.  God or nature, depending on your views, created the human body to be an amazingly resilient life-form.  Watch your baby's cues and take note of what he needs.  Likewise, unless she can not breastfeed due to medical reasons, I strongly advise against formula.  If you want a good explanation of why, ask me.  The post-birth treatment, vaccinations and breastfeeding are huge topics amongst themselves.

 

As mentioned, your wife is absolutely exhausted from the pregnancy.  Her hormones really are completely out of whack and her body is putting extreme amounts of effort in to recovering.  My wife had the ultimate "easy" pregnancy, but she was still constantly tired after six weeks.  It's a huge strain on them.  Be very supportive, regardless of how you feel.  Also, it sounds like she needs to go see her Doctor again, because post-partum depression can be a really painful time for them.  There are homeopathic methods that work well, but one thing that was absolutely necessary with my wife was forcing her to get out of the house.  Natural, direct sunlight is a requirement for a healthy (and healing) body.  It helps brighten moods and encourages social activities.  Something as simple as taking her to the grocery store or for a walk to the park is a huge benefit.  It also starts exposing your baby to the same things that we, as adults, require.  Limit her direct sunlight exposure, especially at first.  Newborns do have sensitive skin, so excessive sun exposure can be damaging.  Do not use any lotions or sunscreen oils, either, at this age.  Those can be damaging also, even according to the American Pediatrics Association.

 

The first few days, and then after approximately a month (5-7 weeks), a newborn will be cluster feeding because it is a key development period for him.  This period is especially difficult for both your wife and your son.  Depending on your sleeping arrangements, it can be exhausting just walking back and forth to her crib and/or bedroom every two hours.  My wife and I found that the best method for us was that I did the walking.  When Kaylee started crying at night, I would bring her to my wife in bed.  While she nursed for the half-hour or so, I would sleep.  After the nursing session, my wife would nudge me awake and I would put Kaylee back in her crib.  She slept in our bedroom for the first three months and decided she wanted her independence at about the four-month mark.  Our room was not good enough anymore.  That routine became more tired having to walk across the house to her bedroom all the time, but it allowed us both to get some well needed sleep.  I encourage against co-sleeping with the baby, as does our OB/GYN and the entire pediatrician's office.  He needs to learn from an early stage that his crib is his safe zone for sleeping.

 

Also remember that breastfeeding is new to her.  If she hasn't already, contact a lactation specialist and schedule a visit or two to come out to the house.  My wife failed miserably at breastfeeding her first two, but with the help of two different lactation specialists, she has excelled with the third.  It may sound simple and stupid to a guy, that another woman has to come tell your wife how to position the nipple in the baby's mouth, but I promise it can make a huge difference.  Most hospitals will offer it free during your stay (info for next time) and there are many forms of classes afterward that range from $50 as a group to $120 for a private session.  Learning to properly nurse can be the biggest emotional release she gets.  Imagine someone constantly massaging your back.  If they are not trained correctly, it's like they are using their knuckles and trying to dig a rock out of cement.  Properly taught, however, it can be a very rewarding experience.  Nursing is the same way for your wife and baby.

 

Our other agreement was that my wife had input and I had output.  Any time we were both home, she did the feeding (for obvious reasons) and I was in charge of dirty diapers.  Day, night, cooking, cleaning, it didn't matter.  Whatever I was doing was stopped to change the diaper.  It was actually a very rewarding part of my day.  That period in close proximity to the child is one of the places where they start recognizing you, smiling at you and wanting to play.  It should not feel like a chore.  It really is a blessing.  Yeah, sometimes they smell and sometimes you'll get peed on, but the love and happiness they can return is endless.  On that note, make sure you tuck your son's penis downwards when you are putting on the diaper.  If not, there is a good chance that it will come out the top of the diaper when he pees.  I thought it was common sense, but I have had a half-dozen friends this year have a babies and they are not being taught that at the hospital.  Frustration on why every diaper leaks put a few in to tears.

 

Now, in terms of spoiling a baby, this is probably the second most controversial point I'll make.  The vaccinations and such being the first...  All babies are different, so you'll have to follow his cues, though.  We have had kids that were held so much during their Mom's recovery that they will not lay in the crib or swing or anywhere else.  They absolutely had to be held.  One particular one started this at three-weeks old.  There was a huge transition period for that parent to get her child the separation that was required.  Personally, I think you are doing things right.  When your baby is content, put him down and let him have "him time."  Kayless is 9 months old now, and the entire time, I have had her near me when I'm doing my work.  I swapped out the motor in a truck, worked on my motorcycle, did yardwork, etc.  She was in a swing in the garage for most of it and she learned that the loud, sudden noises were ok.  My air compressor could turn on and she'd sleep through it.  As she became more aware the first few months, she knew that I disappeared for a period of time and her separation anxiety kicked in.  All babies will go through this, but they all start at different ages.  Mine started early and she would scream the moment I left the garage.  I would get the tool, drink or whatever I needed and come back.  The instant I stepped back in, she was ok.  After awhile, even at three and four months, she realized I was not abandoning her.  To this day, I can leave them room without the screaming much more easily than my wife can.  She carried her around with her at all times.  The only time she was down was when she was sleeping.  This gave them a stronger bond in a small respect, but it's frustrating my wife to no end at the moment.  Since Kaylee is crawling, she'll follow no matter where my wife goes.  It's something you and your wife have to work out.  Maybe it'll just be that way with you, too.  He'll develop that sense of safety with you and know that you'll come back, but it'll take longer with Mom.  It's hard to say.  Regardless of what you decide to do, remember that even if you do follow in the methods that I took with Kaylee, you will need a good amount of bonding time with your son as well.  There were times where I would hold her, skin to skin chest on chest and let her sleep.  They learn your heartbeat and body patterns.  When she becomes sick, that can become a huge lifesaver.

 

Again, Kaylee demanded her independence early.  She didn't want to be in our bed to sleep.  She didn't want to be fed.  She decided she had to have a drink in the middle of eating her food at five months old.  We started solids early, at four months, because she was never satisfied after the breastmilk.  Follow his cues.  You'll get extremely varied views posting on a Forum, regardless of a chicken forum or a baby forum.  There are always people willing to tell you how to raise your child.  For some, there is no compromise.  Their way is right.  For others, we realize that what works for you may not work for me.  So take it all with a grain of salt.  Ultimately, you and your wife have to agree on the situation.  It's already been mentioned, but it is both of your responsibilities to make sure everything gets done.  There are quite a few things you can do in your job hunt, and still take care of your son.  Take him with you as you go pick up and turn in applications, and when you go shopping.  Don't take him to the interview with you, though.  Having him in public adds a sense of awareness and the understanding that it is ok for people to be around, for loud noises to occur, and to help build his immune system.

 

As you get more questions, please make sure to ask.  Sometimes a public forum like this does feel easier because you are less likely to be judged by people you know.  The certain level of anonymity is comforting.  But make sure to ignore the overly harsh people that are basically yelling at you.  It is a learning experience, especially with your first born, and it is vital to ask questions.  There are no stupid questions, because every child is different and every situation is different.  If you aren't comfortable posting it on a public thread, feel free to send me a message.  If you want, you can have my EMail address for quicker communication.  And just a quick disclaimer, I am not in the medical profession at all.  I've just done extensive research on what the professionals recommend, mostly the homeopathic methods, for my beliefs.

 

Above all, remember, he's a blessing and that he should bring endless joy to your lives!

Coop-in-Progress:

     The Little Red Henhouse

Tenants and Their Adoption Dates:

     Barred Rock: Sleepy, 09/18/2012

     Production Red: Sunshine, 09/18/2012 - 12/22/2012

     Barred Rock: Christine, 09/27/2018

     Partridge Silkie: Partridge, 11/01/2012

     Splash Silkie: Splash, 11/01/2012

     White Silkie: Snowflake, 11/01/2012 - 01/17/2013

     Black Copper Maran:...

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Coop-in-Progress:

     The Little Red Henhouse

Tenants and Their Adoption Dates:

     Barred Rock: Sleepy, 09/18/2012

     Production Red: Sunshine, 09/18/2012 - 12/22/2012

     Barred Rock: Christine, 09/27/2018

     Partridge Silkie: Partridge, 11/01/2012

     Splash Silkie: Splash, 11/01/2012

     White Silkie: Snowflake, 11/01/2012 - 01/17/2013

     Black Copper Maran:...

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post #12 of 42
Lots of great advice on here. I just want to add one thing. Having a baby is not a business arrangement. It sounds like mom and dad need to communicate more and relax a lot. My husband and I have very different ideas on parenting so we each do it our own way. When we're with the kids at the same time I take the lead because I'm the one that does most of the child rearing, (he works a lot). BTW,when the kids were babies my husband always took some night shifts. He said he likes me better when I'm not sleep deprived! Good luck smile.png

Caught a case of Secretary Butt, quit work and decided to raise chickens as physical therapy. Can I write that off as a medical expense?

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Caught a case of Secretary Butt, quit work and decided to raise chickens as physical therapy. Can I write that off as a medical expense?

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post #13 of 42

Alot of really good advice! I happen to think that people who care enough about their animals to 'brag about them' and "show them off' are the perfect people to ask about rearing children! One of the first things most parents want to teach you is responsibility and love! They usually do that by getting you a pet!

 

I have 2 grown children and raised them both on my own for 8 yrs and 5 yrs. Both totally diferrent in their needs! Both totally wonderful today :) .... I can't beleive I'm going to say this but... What is good for the goose is not always good for the gander! Instincts are one of our best teachers and depression(post-partum as well as all other) is our worst enemy! Follow your instincts and listen to your heart! Being a parent is the hardest job and sometimes it seems impossible, remember that communication is the key to any relationship and learning how to listen to your head and your heart are essential! Good luck KEEP US POSTED and never be afraid to ask a question about raising a 'baby'!

post #14 of 42
You seem very critical of your wife..shes not your employee. She doesnt have to meet your "expectations"...
Just thank your god that you're not married to me... big_smile.png Be happy and appreciate what you have... wink.png

I prefer an ugly truth to a pretty lie. If someone is telling me the truth that is when i will give my heart. ~ Jack Nicholson 

Look! A ladder!! Maybe it leads to heaven, or a sandwich... 

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I prefer an ugly truth to a pretty lie. If someone is telling me the truth that is when i will give my heart. ~ Jack Nicholson 

Look! A ladder!! Maybe it leads to heaven, or a sandwich... 

Reply
post #15 of 42

swaddling is very comforting to babies. and very important imo

18 Hens, 5 Roosters uggh lol, 2 Dogs, 9 now 2 pond fish. thanks alot you not so great blue heron!!,  9 Ducks, 2 cats black and white and not related.(Plus 3 strays that the neighbors feed but they hang out in my front yard...ALL BLACK AND WHITE colored!)

 

"KES" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eOB8cwxSh-w&feature=relmfu A MUST SEE MOVIE. You will never forget little Billy Casper.

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18 Hens, 5 Roosters uggh lol, 2 Dogs, 9 now 2 pond fish. thanks alot you not so great blue heron!!,  9 Ducks, 2 cats black and white and not related.(Plus 3 strays that the neighbors feed but they hang out in my front yard...ALL BLACK AND WHITE colored!)

 

"KES" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eOB8cwxSh-w&feature=relmfu A MUST SEE MOVIE. You will never forget little Billy Casper.

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post #16 of 42
Quote:
Originally Posted by tdgill View Post

swaddling is very comforting to babies. and very important imo

So glad you mentioned that! My daughter loved that the first few months. I forgot about it. It definitely helped out at the time.

Coop-in-Progress:

     The Little Red Henhouse

Tenants and Their Adoption Dates:

     Barred Rock: Sleepy, 09/18/2012

     Production Red: Sunshine, 09/18/2012 - 12/22/2012

     Barred Rock: Christine, 09/27/2018

     Partridge Silkie: Partridge, 11/01/2012

     Splash Silkie: Splash, 11/01/2012

     White Silkie: Snowflake, 11/01/2012 - 01/17/2013

     Black Copper Maran:...

Reply

Coop-in-Progress:

     The Little Red Henhouse

Tenants and Their Adoption Dates:

     Barred Rock: Sleepy, 09/18/2012

     Production Red: Sunshine, 09/18/2012 - 12/22/2012

     Barred Rock: Christine, 09/27/2018

     Partridge Silkie: Partridge, 11/01/2012

     Splash Silkie: Splash, 11/01/2012

     White Silkie: Snowflake, 11/01/2012 - 01/17/2013

     Black Copper Maran:...

Reply
post #17 of 42
Wow, um- I hope what I'm about to write doesn't offend you, but here goes:
I'm *pretty* positive your wife didn't make that baby by herself, so she certainly shouldn't be expected to raise it by herself.
If you continue this way of thinking, you may very well just come to regret it. Example:
My husband worked alot after our daughter was born, so he didn't get to spend much time with her. Not bc he wanted to, but bc he had to so I could be a stay at home mother. On one of his rare days off, my daughter fell down and hurt herself. He opened his arms wide to comfort her and she ran right past him to me, since I was always the one to kiss her boo boos and comfort her. It absolutely broke his heart. If YOU admittedly can't get up at night to help with the baby, then how do you think your wife feels? I mean, I realize you're tired, kids are physically and emotionally draining. But, geeze, the womans probably utterly exhausted. She just carried another human being inside her for nine months and gave birth, what's your excuse?
And by the way, my mother and mother-in-law were LIFE SAVERS! If mom wants to help, let her.
I hope hope you and your other half can find some sort of middle ground. But, consider yourself lucky you have your wife to help raise that baby. Can you imagine how difficult it is for single parents? My best friend is a single mother to TWINS, yes, consider yourself extremely lucky!
Best wishes,
Nikki
Nikki
*C'mon, get flappy!*
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Nikki
*C'mon, get flappy!*
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post #18 of 42
Ok, wasn't going to post because I think everyone has given such wonderful advice! Still as a mother of ten, I have to say your first baby is scary! You have no clue what's going on with your body, if what you are doing or not doing is 'right' or 'good' for the baby. There is post partum depression and it's real and can impact the bonding with the baby.
It sounds like your wife is exhausted and although everyone is helping care for he baby during the day, she is feeling lost at night. No one there to help out. I do agree with the suggestions that you try really hard to care for the baby one or two nights to allow her to sleep. Don't say a word, get up take care of him and see if that helps. If she is still acting like this, she really needs some support. A new moms group, would be great. Many of them now have a therapist and can give her that extra support she may need.
Hold the baby more smile.png If the baby is feeling tension between any of you, holding the baby will only make him more secure and help the whole situation. Baby's cry because they need something.. Crying it out usually makes things worse and an upset baby is harder to console.
It will take sometime to figure out why they cry and what the cry means..
Sometimes it's just because they want the closeness, smell and sound of their parent, especially mom. You have to remember for nine months, moms voice and heartbeat were always there.
This is a wonderful site that you can share with your wife & I hope it helps wink.png
http://www.attachmentparenting.org/
post #19 of 42

Have you considered talking to your wife. When I say this I mean talk to her like a much beloved and respected wife and mother of your first child NOT an employee or a child. Big difference and one that can get you in huge trouble if you mess up. Ask her if she is feeling overwhelmed, talk to her and listen to what she says. If she is struggling then get her some help. I struggled with postpartum but I had a wonderfully supportive husband. He helped me more than any doctor ever could.

 

Honestly it just sounds like you both have a massive amount of growing up to do. You may have to grow into this role of parents. Living with her mom will not help that but I assume its necessary right now. Make sure you both pull your share in working around the house too. Neither of you should use her as a crutch. Also even though she is a stay at home right now does not mean she is the family slave. That would have got my husband slapped across the room so fast.  Not that he ever would have but seriously you have to watch the attitude that was coming through in your post.

 

Oh, and you can spoil a baby. Trust me, you can. One time the baby will be a bit older and cry and you both want to sleep and you bring him/her in bed with you. Fast forward 3 years later and the "baby" is resting her feet on your face and digging her knees in your side.

Mother of 4, teacher of 2,  Raise chickens, ducks, geese, goats and YAY I finally have my dairy cow. I am addicted to finances and getting great deals. I enjoy sharing this with others, especially family. I actually enjoy doing taxes and have taught others to do their own.  I craft a little, sew a little, and read alot.  One upon a time people thought there was a chance I would be meek, quiet,...

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Mother of 4, teacher of 2,  Raise chickens, ducks, geese, goats and YAY I finally have my dairy cow. I am addicted to finances and getting great deals. I enjoy sharing this with others, especially family. I actually enjoy doing taxes and have taught others to do their own.  I craft a little, sew a little, and read alot.  One upon a time people thought there was a chance I would be meek, quiet,...

Reply
post #20 of 42

Well, I had a c-section, almost died and within 3 days I was taking care of my baby full time. I don't want a pat on the back, but this baby was something I had wanted for years and nothing was going to stop me from being with him! I wanted to be with my baby all the time. Is there a chance this was an unwanted pregnancy? Now she's angry and unhappy with the changes in her life she has to make? A counselor for her would be a good idea. You need to get to the bottom of this before the child is old enough to see it. And yes, babies can be spoiled!

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