People stink!

My mother and I lost my father just over two years ago. Now she has met another man, who lost his wife over a year ago. They are in love and have found happiness together. They are also both almost 85 years old.

I am very happy to see my mother find someone else - that doesn't mean she didn't love Daddy and that doesn't take anything away from 58 years of memories with him.

Yesterday, the new man told his children he was going to ask Mother to marry him (which he did). His children are horrified! "No - she's only after your money. She's going to get part of our share. You have to put in the will that whatever you give her reverts back to us if you die."

Yes, this man has some money. No, that's not why Mother loves him.

I wish someone could tell his children (who are grown with children of their own), how much they are hurting him. Of course, Mother has told him she cannot marry him because of the stress it will put on his relationship with his children.

Two people who should be able to be happy in their golden years aren't going to be allowed to be because of greed.

As I said, people stink!

Not all people stink, just some people stink.
At 85, I can understand him wanting to make sure that if he passes that she is taken care of for the remainder of her years. That is what best friends do for one another.

I also understand that this all seems sudden to his family.
I think at 85, time is passing at a more rapid pace than it did for them at 55. They are not teenagers, they have years of wisdom behind them. I wish them comfort in each others company.

Do not give up on humanity or even his family. They may come around.

The extremely poor behavior of this man's adult children are on them, but whether the marriage happens or not (or more importantly, if these two people find happiness in each other or not) is up to your mother and this man. Sometimes we overly narrow our choices, especially when family is involved.

I was supposed to marry a wealthy military officer, build on the family wealth, earn prestige for the family, and have a suitable number of babies for the family (though I was reminded that I couldn't pass on the family name being a girl and all).

I fell in love with a poor man and have never fallen out of it. Over a decade later, I still have the deepest happiness with this man, a modest country home of which I have always dreamed, no babies, my last name, and even the start of some begrudging family acceptance that no other relationship is going to happen despite earlier family attempts to end it. I did not know what to expect and was fearful of the degree of strain my decision for my life would put on the relationship my family had to me. The thing is, that was up to them to decide.

Sjisty said:

My mother and I lost my father just over two years ago. Now she has met another man, who lost his wife over a year ago. They are in love and have found happiness together. They are also both almost 85 years old.

I am very happy to see my mother find someone else - that doesn't mean she didn't love Daddy and that doesn't take anything away from 58 years of memories with him.

Yesterday, the new man told his children he was going to ask Mother to marry him (which he did). His children are horrified! "No - she's only after your money. She's going to get part of our share. You have to put in the will that whatever you give her reverts back to us if you die."

Yes, this man has some money. No, that's not why Mother loves him.

I wish someone could tell his children (who are grown with children of their own), how much they are hurting him. Of course, Mother has told him she cannot marry him because of the stress it will put on his relationship with his children.

Two people who should be able to be happy in their golden years aren't going to be allowed to be because of greed.

As I said, people stink!

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If they want to marry have them get a prenupt and give/sell everything and put all monies in 2 seperate checking savings accounts for both he buys a condo (and fully furnishes it also car in his name alone) in his name and have it set up she gets to live there as long as she is alive and able to live alone and each pay half utilities and living expences out of their own accounts. Upon his death if she is still alive and able to live alone she picks up the tab on everything until the final trip to the nursing home or the funeral home. his kids will get all his stuff (they may have to wait a while) and her kids gets all her stuff. If the kids object to it they are either mentally ill or too greedy for their own good, on second thought it may be both.

People who remarry, especially later in life, do have to decide where their assets are going to go. Example... my grandmother remarried and didn't make a will. She died before her second husband, so he got her assets. He then died, and his kids wound up getting most of my grandmother's assets. We're not talking huge amounts of money, but there are still hard feelings involved. So in theory, the OP could wind up with the step-father's assets, something his children could legitimately be concerned about. It's very easy to avoid, however, simply make a proper will.

Yes, there are two sides. And in my story, the stepmonster ended up with things that should have come to his children. She sold them and now they are lost to us.

My dad remarried after 30 years of being divorced from my mom. 10 years into that marriage, he died several states away from us where they had moved to chase a job for the wife. "SheOfWhomWeNoLongerSpeak" refused to produce his will and refused any requests for possessions of his. Things he'd had for decades, long before she came along. And family heirlooms from his side of the family. She wanted to sell them for money, we wanted them for sentimental reasons -- and we were asking about things that were only HIS, not anything else, things he'd already talked about handing down to his daughters and grandkids (photo albums, old slides & family movies from the 60's & 70's, quilts my Gr'Grma had made by hand, the stamp collection that had belonged to his sister who died young, the family piano that had been in the family for 3 generations,his genealogy stuff for our family, those type of things -- not new video cameras,cars or fancy household items they bought together during that decade)

Luckily for us *snarky grin* they lived in Virginia at the time he died.

Even after 2 years, we never were able to get her to probate his will or even produce it for us to see. But we finally hired a lawyer and she let her know there is a law on the books in that state that says in situations of second marriages where there are children from a previous marriage, the deceased's estate is divided in half. With one half going to the spouse and one half going to the children from the previous marriage. Our lawyer gently suggested that the items we wanted would be far less than half the estate and she would be wise to pass them on to us. Begrudgingly she did give us most of the things, but his toy trains & some other items were "mysteriously" missing. And again, we didn't want the whole train collection, his 2 daughters just wanted enough track to circle a Christmas tree, and 6 or 8 of our favorite cars to go with an engine. The ones we remembered him tinkering with when we were little.

Yeah, lots of hard feelings in our family still too.

I hope your mom is able to be happy and avoid these pitfalls, she deserves that. And maybe his kids will settle down if everyone sits down and talks it out like grownups.

Well, they went to his lawyer today to create a pre-nup, so that should make everybody happy. His children still aren't overly happy about losing a portion of their inheritance to my mother, though.

Those two words are the key to the whole thing. Those spoiled brats need to realize that nothing the gentleman has is theirs. It is HIS. He is free to do with it as HE wishes. Regardless of the amount involved, they need to pull their heads out of their collective arses. Just because they are his children does not entitle them to anything. If a person has enough to leave to their children it is a gift not a given. My parents have some land and a sizeable nest egg. I have no assumptions of getting it. It would be nice but it is not my call. I have NO say in what they do with their wealth. If they want to sell it all and buy a houseboat and retire to the lake, they are free to do so. What they have, THEY earned. If there is anything leftover when they pass and I get any of it, I'll be eternally grateful and put it to a use that honors their memory. And, I'd trade a million inheritances to have more time with them.

Personally, if I had kids that behaved in such a manner, they would be written OUT of the will in a heartbeat.

He's a grown *** man capable of making his own decisions. They can either support him or they can get left behind.

donrae said:

People who remarry, especially later in life, do have to decide where their assets are going to go.

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WYNot said:

Those two words are the key to the whole thing. Those spoiled brats need to realize that nothing the gentleman has is theirs. It is HIS. He is free to do with it as HE wishes. Regardless of the amount involved, they need to pull their heads out of their collective arses. Just because they are his children does not entitle them to anything. If a person has enough to leave to their children it is a gift not a given. My parents have some land and a sizeable nest egg. I have no assumptions of getting it. It would be nice but it is not my call. I have NO say in what they do with their wealth. If they want to sell it all and buy a houseboat and retire to the lake, they are free to do so. What they have, THEY earned. If there is anything leftover when they pass and I get any of it, I'll be eternally grateful and put it to a use that honors their memory. And, I'd trade a million inheritances to have more time with them.

Personally, if I had kids that behaved in such a manner, they would be written OUT of the will in a heartbeat.

He's a grown *** man capable of making his own decisions. They can either support him or they can get left behind.

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I totally agree with this. I do, however, believe some conscious decision should be made, not just an "I'm not going to plan for my death because I'm going to live forever" attitude. Leave it all to your kids, leave it all to your second spouse, leave it all to your pets, leave it all to your home health nurse (I vote this one ) leave it all to your favorite charity--just for heaven's sake, decide who you're going to leave it to. I guarantee the death rate for whatever county you're in is 100%!

There are six kids in my family, a mix of his, theirs and adopted. Could be a legal hassle, but my folks have a very specific will made up on who gets what, who manages what, etc. It's really a gift of love to do that.

Then again, my folks always swore they'd spend everything before they died and we'd get no inheritance.....