Funny Quotes

By Scooter&Suzie · Jan 11, 2012 ·
  1. Scooter&Suzie
    Just think I should warn you, these are directed at Christians, so if you get offened eaisly, please don't read this. They aren't ALL but just thought I should tell you. :)
    I got them from several websites, some of them I found on multiple websites so I don't know who to give the credit to. All the Christian ones come from

    If pro is the opposite of con, what is the oppisite of progress?
    I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
    Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
    I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
    War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
    If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
    The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
    Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
    Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
    A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
    Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
    How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
    Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
    Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
    Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
    A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
    Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
    If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that 1 out of 5 enjoys it?
    The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
    I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
    The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
    Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
    ome people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
    It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.
    You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
    Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
    I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
    Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
    With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
    If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving!
    There are three kinds of people. People who can count and those who can't.
    A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
    When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
    Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
    If winning isn’t everything why do they keep score?
    Whoever coined the phrase “Quiet as a mouse” has never stepped on one.

    Christan Sayings
    History is His story

    Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous

    We don’t change the message,

    the message changes us

    ‘Coming ready or not!’ – Jesus

    There are no atheists in hell

    God answers knee-mail

    The best vitamin for a Christian is B1

    Life has many choices. Eternity has two. What’s yours?

    Prevent truth decay. Brush up on your Bible.

    It’s hard to stumble when you’re on your knees

    A clear conscience makes a soft pillow

    Don’t give up. Moses was once a basket case

    Forbidden fruit creates many jams

    Christians: keep the faith . . . but not from others!

    Give God what’s right, not what’s left

    Give the devil an inch and he’ll be your ruler

    Read the Bible, it’ll scare the hell out of you

    Man’s way leads to a hopeless end.
    God’s way leads to an endless hope.

    A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing

    If you’re living like there is no God you’d better be right

    Kneel before Jesus and you can stand before anyone

    To be almost saved is to be totally lost

    Wrinkled with burdens? Come to Jesus for a faith lift

    Don’t give God instructions – just report for duty

    A family altar will alter a family

    This Church is Prayer-Conditioned

    WARNING: Exposure to the Son may prevent burning

    Many folks want to serve Jesus –
    but only in an advisory capacity

    Nothing ruins the truth like stretching it

    Kindness is difficult to give away
    because it keeps coming back

    The greatest message ever heard came from an empty tomb

    The most powerful position on Earth is kneeling before the Lord of the universe

    Don’t say ‘Our Father’ on Sundays and spend the rest of the week acting like an orphan

    Jesus paid a debt He didn’t owe because we owed a debt we couldn’t pay

    If God were small enough for us to understand, he wouldn’t be big enough for us to worship

    Sin would be less attractive if the wages were paid immediately

    In the Beginning there was nothing, which exploded – Yeah right . . .

    Notice: The party in hell is canceled due to the fire

    Why pray when you can worry?

    Prepare to die

    Jesus is the password to a better life

    In a scary world, the safest place is close to Jesus

    Spend your years ripening instead of rotting

    If you can’t sleep
    Don’t count sheep
    Talk to the Shepherd

    God doesn’t believe in atheists;

    therefore atheists do not exist

    The best things in life aren’t things

    Are your dreams as big as your God?

    Don’t be so open-minded your brains fall out

    You are not too bad to come in.

    You are not too good to stay out.

    Where will you be sitting in eternity?
    Smoking or non-smoking?

    You’ve not begun to live until you’ve prepared to die

    Under same management for 2,000 years

    Forgive your enemies – it messes with their heads

    Real eyes realize real lies, so read the Bible

    Exercise Daily. Run from Satan Walk with God

    The Hero died. But that is not the end of the story

    Come as you are, but you won’t leave as you were

    The Bible is good enough: to live by, and to die by

    Free trip to Heaven! Details inside!

    God does test us, but they are open Book tests

    In the dark? Follow the Son

    Great minds like to think, so read the Bible

    Hang out with Jesus He hung out for you

    There is no fear in submitting to a love that would die for you

    Holiness is not the way to Jesus. Jesus is the way to holiness

    God doesn’t grade on a curve, but on the cross

    His pain, your gain!

    TGIF – Thank God I’m Forgiven How about you?

    Good works are the fruit, not the root, of salvation

    My life was going to waste, but Jesus recycled me

    Jesus died for a reason – and you’re it!

    God would give up His only Son before He’d give up on you!

    We’re all invited to a heavenly feast, but we must RSVP!

    Jesus became what we are, so we can become like He is

    The cross is God’s way of making a plus sign out of a minus

    Jesus – Dying to know you

    Jesus Christ came to make bad people good

    Christians are only visiting this planet! Live that way

    It’s HELL without Jesus!

    If you can’t stand the heat, better make plans to avoid it

    Who is rich? He that rejoices in his portion

    Live so that they won’t have to lie at your funeral

    If you’re far from God in life, you’ll be so in death, too

    Life is a coin. You can spend it as you wish, but only once

    Love so amazing, so divine, demands my soul, my life, my all

    Live so that when you die even the undertaker will be sorry

    Life is short. Pray hard

    Lord, please make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am

    God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts

    Law says, “Do, & you will live”
    Grace says, “Live, & you will do”

    As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools

    Thank God for what you have. TRUST GOD for what you need

    Too many people have a strong WILL and a weak WILL NOT

    GOD gives and forgives; people get and forget

    The devil’s boots don’t creak (Scottish proverb)

    Flee temptation. And don’t leave a forwarding address

    Sin fascinates, and then assassinates

    Atheist: a person with no invisible means of support

    To get nowhere, follow the crowd

    When God is ready for you, you’d better be ready for Him

    If you don’t like the way you were born, try being born again

    Christ’s return is near. Don’t miss it for the world!

    Get right or get left!

    Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder & your hand over my mouth

    Joy is not the absence of difficulties, but the presence of God

    Noah passed God’s test with flying colors – witness the rainbow!

    Faith ends where worry begins. Worry ends where faith begins

    Fear can keep you up all night. Faith makes one fine pillow

    Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, faith looks up

    Trade God your pieces for His peace

    Take my life and let it be, ever, only, all for Thee

    Try Jesus. If you don’t like him, the devil will always take you back

    What on earth are you doing for heaven’s sake?

    Live simply. Speak kindly. Love unconditionally

    Never give the devil a ride. He always wants to drive

    The wages of sin is death. Repent before payday

    Soul food served here

    Taste and see that the Lord is good. Free samples inside

    You can believe in God now – or later. Now is better

    God’s retirement program for Christians is out of this world

    Rapture – separation of church and state

    The past? Leave it with God The present? Live it for God The future? Entrust it to God

    Don’t wait for the hearse to take you to church

    Don’t just do something, sit here!

    God helps those who help others, not themselves

    Quit telling God how big your storm is
    and tell your storm how big your God is

    A rich man without compasion is just a poor man with money

    Religion says do; Christianity says done

    God didn’t save us from a life without pain. He saved us from a life without meaning.

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