Funny Quotes

  1. Scooter&Suzie
    Just think I should warn you, these are directed at Christians, so if you get offened eaisly, please don't read this. They aren't ALL but just thought I should tell you. :)
    I got them from several websites, some of them I found on multiple websites so I don't know who to give the credit to. All the Christian ones come from http://www.net-burst.net/quips/church-signs.htm

    If pro is the opposite of con, what is the oppisite of progress?
    I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
    Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
    I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
    War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
    If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
    The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
    Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
    Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
    A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
    Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
    How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
    Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
    Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
    Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
    A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
    Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
    If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that 1 out of 5 enjoys it?
    The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
    I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
    The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
    Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
    ome people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
    It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.
    You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
    Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
    I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
    Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
    With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
    If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving!
    There are three kinds of people. People who can count and those who can't.
    A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
    When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
    Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
    If winning isn’t everything why do they keep score?
    Whoever coined the phrase “Quiet as a mouse” has never stepped on one.


    Christan Sayings
    History is His story



    Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous


    We don’t change the message,

    the message changes us


    ‘Coming ready or not!’ – Jesus


    There are no atheists in hell



    God answers knee-mail


    The best vitamin for a Christian is B1



    Life has many choices. Eternity has two. What’s yours?


    Prevent truth decay. Brush up on your Bible.



    It’s hard to stumble when you’re on your knees


    A clear conscience makes a soft pillow



    Don’t give up. Moses was once a basket case


    Forbidden fruit creates many jams



    Christians: keep the faith . . . but not from others!


    Give God what’s right, not what’s left



    Give the devil an inch and he’ll be your ruler


    Read the Bible, it’ll scare the hell out of you



    Man’s way leads to a hopeless end.
    God’s way leads to an endless hope.



    A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing



    If you’re living like there is no God you’d better be right


    Kneel before Jesus and you can stand before anyone



    To be almost saved is to be totally lost


    Wrinkled with burdens? Come to Jesus for a faith lift



    Don’t give God instructions – just report for duty


    A family altar will alter a family



    This Church is Prayer-Conditioned


    WARNING: Exposure to the Son may prevent burning



    Many folks want to serve Jesus –
    but only in an advisory capacity



    Nothing ruins the truth like stretching it



    Kindness is difficult to give away
    because it keeps coming back



    The greatest message ever heard came from an empty tomb



    The most powerful position on Earth is kneeling before the Lord of the universe


    Don’t say ‘Our Father’ on Sundays and spend the rest of the week acting like an orphan



    Jesus paid a debt He didn’t owe because we owed a debt we couldn’t pay


    If God were small enough for us to understand, he wouldn’t be big enough for us to worship



    Sin would be less attractive if the wages were paid immediately


    In the Beginning there was nothing, which exploded – Yeah right . . .



    Notice: The party in hell is canceled due to the fire


    Why pray when you can worry?



    Prepare to die


    Jesus is the password to a better life



    In a scary world, the safest place is close to Jesus


    Spend your years ripening instead of rotting



    If you can’t sleep
    Don’t count sheep
    Talk to the Shepherd



    God doesn’t believe in atheists;

    therefore atheists do not exist


    The best things in life aren’t things


    Are your dreams as big as your God?



    Don’t be so open-minded your brains fall out


    You are not too bad to come in.

    You are not too good to stay out.


    Where will you be sitting in eternity?
    Smoking or non-smoking?



    You’ve not begun to live until you’ve prepared to die



    Under same management for 2,000 years


    Forgive your enemies – it messes with their heads



    Real eyes realize real lies, so read the Bible


    Exercise Daily. Run from Satan Walk with God



    The Hero died. But that is not the end of the story


    Come as you are, but you won’t leave as you were



    The Bible is good enough: to live by, and to die by


    Free trip to Heaven! Details inside!



    God does test us, but they are open Book tests


    In the dark? Follow the Son



    Great minds like to think, so read the Bible


    Hang out with Jesus He hung out for you



    There is no fear in submitting to a love that would die for you


    Holiness is not the way to Jesus. Jesus is the way to holiness



    God doesn’t grade on a curve, but on the cross


    His pain, your gain!



    TGIF – Thank God I’m Forgiven How about you?


    Good works are the fruit, not the root, of salvation



    My life was going to waste, but Jesus recycled me


    Jesus died for a reason – and you’re it!



    God would give up His only Son before He’d give up on you!


    We’re all invited to a heavenly feast, but we must RSVP!



    Jesus became what we are, so we can become like He is


    The cross is God’s way of making a plus sign out of a minus



    Jesus – Dying to know you


    Jesus Christ came to make bad people good



    Christians are only visiting this planet! Live that way


    It’s HELL without Jesus!



    If you can’t stand the heat, better make plans to avoid it


    Who is rich? He that rejoices in his portion



    Live so that they won’t have to lie at your funeral


    If you’re far from God in life, you’ll be so in death, too



    Life is a coin. You can spend it as you wish, but only once


    Love so amazing, so divine, demands my soul, my life, my all



    Live so that when you die even the undertaker will be sorry


    Life is short. Pray hard



    Lord, please make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am


    God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts



    Law says, “Do, & you will live”
    Grace says, “Live, & you will do”



    As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools



    Thank God for what you have. TRUST GOD for what you need


    Too many people have a strong WILL and a weak WILL NOT



    GOD gives and forgives; people get and forget


    The devil’s boots don’t creak (Scottish proverb)



    Flee temptation. And don’t leave a forwarding address


    Sin fascinates, and then assassinates



    Atheist: a person with no invisible means of support


    To get nowhere, follow the crowd



    When God is ready for you, you’d better be ready for Him


    If you don’t like the way you were born, try being born again



    Christ’s return is near. Don’t miss it for the world!


    Get right or get left!



    Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder & your hand over my mouth


    Joy is not the absence of difficulties, but the presence of God



    Noah passed God’s test with flying colors – witness the rainbow!


    Faith ends where worry begins. Worry ends where faith begins



    Fear can keep you up all night. Faith makes one fine pillow


    Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, faith looks up



    Trade God your pieces for His peace


    Take my life and let it be, ever, only, all for Thee



    Try Jesus. If you don’t like him, the devil will always take you back


    What on earth are you doing for heaven’s sake?



    Live simply. Speak kindly. Love unconditionally


    Never give the devil a ride. He always wants to drive



    The wages of sin is death. Repent before payday


    Soul food served here



    Taste and see that the Lord is good. Free samples inside


    You can believe in God now – or later. Now is better



    God’s retirement program for Christians is out of this world


    Rapture – separation of church and state



    The past? Leave it with God The present? Live it for God The future? Entrust it to God


    Don’t wait for the hearse to take you to church



    Don’t just do something, sit here!


    God helps those who help others, not themselves



    Quit telling God how big your storm is
    and tell your storm how big your God is



    A rich man without compasion is just a poor man with money



    Religion says do; Christianity says done


    God didn’t save us from a life without pain. He saved us from a life without meaning.

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