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Funny sayings and witty quotes

  1. RulerOfTheSkies
    Duct tape is like the Force; it has a dark side, a light side, and it's what holds the universe together.-Duckluv

    The prime motivation for all human behavior is the need to feel superior to someone else.

    When given a choice, people will always do the dumbest thing under the circumstances.

    The more you understand, the crazier you get.

    Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. ~ Albert Einstein

    At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I'm not there I carry on as usual. ~ Patrick Moore

    When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained. ~ Mark Twain

    Life is not so bad if you have plenty of luck, a good physique and not too much imagination. ~ Christopher Isherwood

    All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed. ~ Sean O'Cassey

    In the game of life, it's a good idea to have a few early losses, which relieves you of the pressure of trying to maintain an undefeated season. ~ Billy Vaughan

    The shinbone is a device that is made for finding furniture in a dark room.-???

    The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music.-???

    House Guarded By Shotgun 3 Days A Week. Guess Which Days.-???

    If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you lack sufficient imagination.-???

    Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.-???

    A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a work station...-???

    Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way, wisdom is looking both directions anyway-???

    Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.

    Never interrupt your opponent while he's making a mistake.-???

    You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.-???

    life, n.: A whim of several billion cells to be you for a while-???

    Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried taking candy from a baby.-???

    Every rule has an exception. Especially this one.-???

    Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.-???

    An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the president but is always polite to traffic cops.-???

    If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher.-???

    “-Oh yes? Can you identify yourself?
    Certainly. I'd know me anywhere.-Terry Pratchett

    “I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
    ― Rodney Dangerfield

    “Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.”― Rodney Dangerfield

    “If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”― Lawrence Ferlinghetti

    “If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?”― George Carlin

    “Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Heres Tom with the Weather.”― Bill Hicks

    You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake

    Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience

    A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man

    There are 3 kinds of people in the world…those who can count and those who can’t.

    Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair

    The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion.

    Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile

    The old believe everything; the middle-aged suspect everything; the young know everything

    If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side

    Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don't mind, age don't matter

    Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate.

    The only thing worse than hearing the alarm clock in the morning is not hearing it.

    My mind wanders a lot, but fortunately it's too weak to go very far.

    Inside every older person is a younger person … wondering what the heck happened

    Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. (Then when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes)

    “Life's like an hourglass glued to the table.”

    “You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.”

    “In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.”

    “Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.”

    “Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.”

    “To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.”

    “It is better to be hated for what you are than loved for what you are not.”

    “We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are.”

    “I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.”

    “I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.”

    “Everything you can imagine is real-somewhere.

    “Reality continues to ruin my life.”


    “All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever be boring.”

    “The saddest aspect of life right now is that science gathers knowledge faster than society gathers wisdom.”

    “You cannot find peace by avoiding life.”

    “Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.”

    True friends won't pick rainbow road in Mario Kart.

    Rather Twisted
    Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

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  1. Marty1876
    Great quotes!

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