"10 Rules For Dating My Daughter"

Discussion in 'Games, Jokes, and Fun!' started by cjeanean, Jul 21, 2008.

  1. cjeanean

    cjeanean Can't Decide

    Mar 5, 2008
    Missouri
    Rule One

    If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

    Rule Two

    You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

    Rule Three

    I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear theirs trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: you may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

    Rule Four

    I'm sure that you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

    Rule Five

    In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

    Rule Six

    I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

    Rule Seven

    As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh, and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

    Rule Eight

    The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or pastors within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided... movies, which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

    Rule Nine

    Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless commander of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

    Rule Ten

    Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car-there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
     
  2. Ugly Cowboy

    Ugly Cowboy Chillin' With My Peeps

    Apr 25, 2008
    Corn, OK
    LOL Theres a country song along these lines!
     
  3. Mahonri

    Mahonri Urban Desert Chicken Enthusiast Premium Member

    30,361
    159
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    May 14, 2008
    North Phoenix
    My Coop
    That is so hillarious. My one and only daughter, just started her first day of kindergarten today. I'll have to keep this one for future reference!![​IMG][​IMG]
     
  4. d.k

    d.k red-headed stepchild

    * When the kid came to pick up our niece for their first school dance, my BIL told him, "You be a good boy and keep your hands off my daughter. I have been to jail and I am not afraid to go back." It was their first and last date together.
     
  5. BantyHugger

    BantyHugger Chillin' With My Peeps

    May 23, 2008
    Ponder
    UG! You've been talking to my father. (I'm 15 and in NO WAY appreciate this!)
     
  6. Ugly Cowboy

    Ugly Cowboy Chillin' With My Peeps

    Apr 25, 2008
    Corn, OK
    Ooooh! Yeah, that should do it! Either that or show him your gun and knife collection...
     
  7. cjeanean

    cjeanean Can't Decide

    Mar 5, 2008
    Missouri
    Quote:You will when you get older, trust me. My father did this for my younger sis, not me. He didn't think the boys wanted anything to do with me [​IMG] Seriously, it's a good thing!
     
  8. perfectly_polish

    perfectly_polish Overrun With Chickens

    Mar 1, 2007
    CT
    Quote:Yep, this song I love it!
     
  9. Ugly Cowboy

    Ugly Cowboy Chillin' With My Peeps

    Apr 25, 2008
    Corn, OK
    I do to, it cracks me up every time... I remember the fear!
     
  10. d.k

    d.k red-headed stepchild

    * You don't even wanna know all the rules I had, Bantyhugger. Suffice it to say, I didn't date much!!! Just for starters: 1> NO dating other than parent-chauffered school dances before the age of 16. 2> After 16, NO date at all, unless the boy considering dating me came to a family dinner at least 2 weeks before asking me out and consented to being "grilled and drilled" on any topic of my parent's choosing through dinner and for up to 2 hours after dinner. Those are just 1 and 2!! 3> NO date, unless the specific plan for the date was given a minimum of 3 days/72 hours beforehand, and 4> Any date was subject to cancellation up to the minute we walked out the door. 5> Home no later than 1O p.m. for the first 3-4 days with any boy. I forget most of the rest, because these made it so difficult, the rest rarely came into play!!!!
     
    Last edited: Jul 22, 2008

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