4H Mom is close to loosing it! Gotta vent or blow! Moms, I need help!

[4H kids and mom]

Ok, I am not a high strung person. I am fun and easy going, and I love my kids. BUT....right now I am just so sick of them! I am here all day with my own kids, and other peoples kids running around trashing my house and screaming, crying, yelling, wiping boogers on my walls (yea, try washing that off FLAT paint! WHO the He** paints a main room in a house with FLAT NON WASHABLE paint? OMG! Grrrrrrr!), running into things, bashing my dog in the eye, pulling my cats tails, eating up all my food, and DRIVING ME INSANE!

I am SO close to freaking out here! I am stuck here 24 hours a day most days, and with kids out of school there are ALWAYS at least 2 kids here (ours) and I feel about this close to just screaming and bashing my head into the wall until I pass out for a few days, just to get some relief!

I love my children and would die to defend them. I cherish them both. I really do. But right now I need to get away from them! I feel bad because I can't give each of them some one-on-one time. Sometimes, I am able to take just one with me to run errands if DH is home to watch the other, but that often leads to a fight over who gets to come with me, or who gets to sit where in the car (if they both come), or who gets something at the store, and someone always ends up crying. Lately, thats what I want to do.

It wouldn't be so bad if they could just take it easy on Ol' Mom here. You know, if they could just NOT fight with each other for one day, and get along like they sort of like (or at least tolerate) each other, and not push each other, or pinch, or hit, or kick, or scream at each other, or break each others things that were worked on so hard bringing that one to tears, who then retaliates by smacking the other as soon as Mom leaves the room and then they BOTH have to run in and tell me (no, tell is the wrong word. SCREAM at me is more like it) their side of the story, which ends up getting louder and louder and louder, until my head is near exploding and I just cant take it anymore and then I hollar back at them, causing (of course) MORE tears, running up to the rooms, and slammin of the doors. And then none of us are happy.

I try to do something each day thats fun. Like playing a game with them, or letting them do something they rarely get to do like taking out our PlayDoh tub which is a HUGE collection of PlayDoh and PlayDoh things that overflows a 50 gallon Rubbermaid container. I try to make the day start good, because a good start to a day has a better chance at keeping the day better, right? But, more often than not, by 10 or 11am I have had it up to here (motions well over a foot past her head) with both of them, and then there is little chance of salvaging the day.

Tonight was my breaking point, and now I feel awful. I am (and have always been) a firm believer in the whole "dont go to bed angry" idea, and tonight I broke my own rule.

Shame on me. I thought pizza and movie night would be a good end to a pretty crappy week, so I ordered pizza when Dad got home early, and we went out to rent a new movie (got Bridge to Terabithia by the way). It started OK. We dined on pizza on my newly washed carpet and I even overlooked the sauce dribbles as they "magically" appeared (they were made by our invisible third child named "Not Me" who seems to do all of these naughty things around our house. We really must find a new home for "Not Me"...) and we began enjoying the movie. I had to pause halfway through it for a "potty break" and to lock up the animals outside. DH had to head to bed (he gets up at 4am everyday and can't seem to stay up much past 9pm even on weeknights, poor dear...) and then everything got bad. They started by fighting over who could help me (even though I'd told them they both could), then over who got to open and then had to close the gate, then they were pushing each other around so I sent them in the house.

From my yard I hear screaming and yelling, so I quite hastily finish my chores (my gals- the hens -were mad I didn't spend more snuggle time with them and baulked at me as I left in a hurry...). I get in the house to find them wrestling and crying and pushing and pulling each other and I tried nicely to seperate them and remind them about finishing the movie. Then one swung at the other one (as I am holding them apart) causing the other to swing back, and miss (keep in mind I am directly in the middle), and back and forth a few times until finally one of them slugs ME smack in the jaw. Everything stopped and they froze and I lost it. (Number 1 it freakin hurt! Little fist or not, it still hurt! Dang it!) I hollared and said things I now regret and they both ended up with quivering chins and heads hung low. I DID appologize for loosing my temper with them, and I tried to explain why I'd gotten so angry, but they just cried and did not ask me for a hug later before bed.

So, now I feel crappy. I snuck in their room and kissed them both on the forehead and tucked them in, but they were sleeping already so I feel like it doesn't count. I'm disappointed in myself for loosing my cool like I did, but I just can't take much more.

I know why I'm in such a 'poopy mood' and there's nothing I can do about it. I always get this way this time of year and its really not my fault, and this year is a big one and its just a little harder on me. My birthday is in a few weeks. I hate my birthday. No, actually I like birthdays. I like presents and fond wishes from friends and such.

But, to give you some personal background so you understand, I always get upset around my birthday because I haven't spoken to my mother in several years and I always wonder if she even knows how freakin old I am, thus the whole birthday event brings me down. I know alot of you would say, "well she's your mother of course she knows" but you have to also then take in to account that I am adopted (when I was 5) and I found out when I was 10 that they had really wanted to adopt a baby, and sort of got 'stuck' with me because we were 'family' and they HAD to take me in. I felt like a huge disappointing burden to them after that and my mother and I never got along again after I called them on it. I tried reconciling when we had the kids, but my mother doesn't like little boys and wanted nothing to do with our son, so I told her to just shove off, and that was oh, about 5 years ago now.

So, back to the present, my birthday always seems to drudge up old memories (and never fond ones of course) and thus I seem to get quite short-tempered, hot headed, and even hostile until the 'event' passes. This year I am turning 30, which is an even bigger deal to me, as its a 'bigger' birthday, and its making everything worse. Oh, and to make things worse, I'M GOING GRAY! Augh! How do I just get over this all already and get on with it without emotionally scarring my children? How can I get them to just get along? If they could just get along, it would be better. Maybe I would be a little less tense.

Any help? Or am I just nuts and should I commit myself now for the next oh, 2 weeks and 4 days?

 

[DuckLady]

 

[missusduray]

4-h mom,
I too am a stay at home mom and I know EXACTLY how you feel! There are days when I want to commit myself! i call them mom melt downs! Take some time for yourself. Breathe and plan some time away from the kids each week. A couple hours can save your sanity. Make sure that it is you time. Go for a walk, get your nails done, get your hair colored (sorry about the grey) just make sure that you arent running errands for the family. You do deserve alone time. My grandmother's best quote "you can love your kids with all your heart, but not with all your time". It is so true. Hopefully you start to feel less stressed. You are not alone.
Kristyne

 

[Judymae]

I totally understand about the kids. Mine are 13,10, and 7. And I understand about losing it once a year. October is a bad month for me. My mother passed when I was 7 and I had a stillborn daughter all in the month of October. I'm a stay at home mother so I end up a little stir crazy by October and then I get moody as heck. I don't even realize what's happening to me until by dh says something. Very gently he says something. I end up going to the cemetary (they are both buried at the same cemetary just different sections) and crying my eyes out like a baby. People drive by and just stare. But it's something I have to do.

My kids are driving me nuts and I lost it last nite. Like you I try to do something fun atleast once a day. Nothing that costs anything. They have too much stuff to go out and spend money on daily activites. But I don't feel like the kids even care that I go outta my way. With all the rain here I can't send them outside. (we got 5 inches on Monday and rain everyday since then. Hit a record high last month for rainfall) They fight. They scream. They break stuff. Just like spoiled little brats. I find myself wanting to just leave. I don't want to even be here. My dh works outta town for 14 days at a time. Amazingly when he is home for his 7 days a month the kids don't fight. They find things to do in the playroom. No one yells. I feel like they don't have any respect for me just him. Well anyways---I lost it last nite. I did the screaming banchee (SP?) thing. I hollered until my throat hurt. I'd finally had enough of the fighting. My 13 year old has a horrible attitude. Everything is everyone elses fault. He failed math because his teacher didn't help him. He went over the minutes on his cell (which is suppose to be for emergencies because we don't have a land line) because friends leave long messages. Well anyways he came into my room I think to apologize to me. It went like this--My room was clean if you had come to check it earlier you would have seen it. It's your fault because you wanted to look at recipes. I went like this--GET AWAY FROM ME BEFORE YOU REGRET BEING BORN!!!!!!! Now I felt bad later but I've had it. I know how you feel. Like they don't even care that you don't want to live a life where there is constant screaming at each other. There is enough stress in life without having to deal with their crap.

If you find a way to fix the fighting, yelling, etc. Please share it with me. I'm turning gray too. But you won't be able to tell soon because I'm gonna pull it all out!

 

[jackiedon]

4-H mom,

I can totally relate!! There are times I do have to send all of us to seperate rooms for a while. I have at times made them sit on the couch next to each other touching each other and if they fight they have to hold hands. I set the timer for about 5 minutes at first. I tell them if that doesn't work then they will have to walk around the yard holding hands which terrifies them thinking they would have to do that and a friend drive by. They have not had to walk outside yet. Now most of the time they start fight I start to threatening them and they seperate themselves.

It's not bad for them to see you stressed out. They will realize that their actions affects everyone.

Happy Birthday!!!! I am sorry about you and your mother. After having kids I don't understand how my mother could have done the things she did to us kids if she really loved us. I just have to realize that is the past and I have to show my kids how much I love them but that love also means we have to punish our kids to teach them right from wrong and I don't mean beating them. But to realize about our actions havae consequences. My 11 yr old still calls the microwave the timer!

Summers are so hard and by the end of them are so stressful. The kids are really ready for school to start in August. I work at my kids school and I am ready to go back to work by August.

You are a great mother teaching them about life.

Lexapro (an antidepressant) also helps too.

jackie

 

[domromer]

This is why I think year round school is a good idea.

 

[TreyClark281]

i feel bad now. my mom always got on to us and i always thought that she was just being a B**** but now i understand what you mothers do.. :| if you just take some time to yourself i would understand if you where my mom b/c my mom always did that when we where 9 10 11 and they would go shoot pool at the bar. which was fine because we would spend the night down the street and then my parents would trade off with other parents if that makes since.

well take your kids to a friends house if they don't have alot of "best friends" go camping in your local area they would make alot of friends there also boy scouts. you don't have to be active in boy scouts for them to be in it. my mom just drop us off. oh and when you go shopping you should have the trade offs with the kids. like for the 1st weeks shopping you can go and for the 2nd weeks shopping you can go and put the other one at a friends house. heck if their kid comes and trashes your house send your kid to trash theirs!

i bet my post is in a disarray! but i am 15 and my brother is 16 and we rarely fight. we are mostly gone or doing something together.


do you watch super nanny?? take some tips from her....
hope that is not offending?

oh when i was little i went to a therapist (emotional reasons) and just vent to her. i know it is kind of expensive but it is a good venting place because they cant tell anyone your problems and they have great answer!!!! (that is what i want to do when i grow up! child and adolestent psychiatrist )

 

[4H kids and mom]

Thank you all for being so understanding, and its nice to see I'm not alone! I'd love to vent to my DH all this junk, but he's only home for a couple hours a night after working sometimes 14-16 hour days, and I deffinately dont want to fill his time home with all my boo-hoo'in, so its nice to know I have a place to let it all hang out (lol...sorry!) with other Moms who know how I am feeling. I am buying a new bike next week and plan to go riding every day after DH gets home. I can get fit while getting away for a while!

By the way, I am pulling out the greys as they rear their ugly heads! Think I'm gonna be bald in places by the time school starts again! Oh, will it ever start? Come on September! Please hurry! :| lol

PS... lol domromer! I agree!

 

[65browneyes]

Before I even look at the other replies, I just have to respond here, 4H. I've been, mostly, a full time mom for the last 14 years (with exception of a temporary, part time 4 year stint that was only supposed to last one summer).

Our kids are now 22, 13, and 10. The 22 yo, God love him, is the instigator in the family. Never figured out responsibility, etc (and, not because dad and I didn't teach him, but probably more because dad and I taught him). He'd start something with the "little ones" then back off and watch the ensuing explosion (mommy dearest rings a bell here).

As an infant, the now 10 yo began screaming at 4 months and didn't stop until she was nearly 2 (NOT an exaggeration).

As the only local offspring, DH and I became the "go-to-guys" for both sets of parents. Whether the need was the car, the house, whatever, we were the ones to be called. DH worked shift work for years, and as an unemployed person, most of that 'burden' often fell on my shoulders.

Then, there was sports. Our oldest lived to be on the baseball diamond, nothing else. Only did what he had to do in school to keep him on the field, nothing more. Again, DH's shift work prevented his ability to attend the majority of the games.

Can we say "Married Single Mother Syndrome"?

My parents divorced when I was 15 (they should have done it MUCH sooner, but that's another thread entirely). My father was a monster, and I got the best from him, my brother suffered greater than I EVER did at this man's hand. My father found it necessary to tell me daily how stupid, fat, dumb and ugly I was and that NO MAN would ever want me. And, that's the good part of my life with him. So, I grew up with a parent complex of my own.

My brother and I were constantly at each other. I took a fork in my thigh through my levi's once after my darling brother launched it at me. I always joke that it's nothing short of a miracle that we lived through puberty.

So..............I hear you, babe!!!

My advice, when the kids get up in the morning, explain to them that you're feeling a bit blue or down in the dumps because of a lot different things. I'm not sure how much of your childhood your kids are privvy to. I've not hidden anything from mine (they don't know the "really" bad stuff, because no child should have to hear those things, much less live through them).

Let your kids know that you love them, that even moms sometimes have moments of weakness, and that was one for you. Assure them that you truly are sorry for the things you said, did, felt, etc. And ask them for a little patience.

As for your mother........when I finally came to the decision that "I" was worthy, and important and of value in this world, I 'divorced' myself from my father and his family. As a young woman, it wasn't an easy task. I didn't always take the right path, but I think I came out on the other end pretty darned good if you ask me.

If your mother doesn't recognize you for the intelligent, beautiful, talented woman you are, that's her loss. She's cheated herself out of a wonderful life with her daughter and her amazing grandchildren. And, someday, she'll realize the loss she has suffered for her mistakes.

As for you.........send the kids to bed 30 minutes earlier at night with a good book and take that extra time for you. I call it my sanity hour. My kids go to bed and they can read, draw, write, whatever they like, as long as it's in bed and they are quiet. Lights out by 9 on a school night. Since I started that, I feel so much better about me at the end of the day.

The gray hair?? Cherish it! Look how hard you've worked for it! I earned every one of mine, and I'm darned proud of 'em! LOL

Sorry this was a long post. And my words may not be worth a plug nickel to you. But, I almost felt kind of like we're kindred spirits after reading your post. So many similarities here.

Tomorrow's a new day. Talk to your kids in the morning, and let today go.

 

[blossom hen]

4H Mom, I was the bread winner and not able to stay home with my kids. But I do know what you mean about the squabbling and needing some "you time" As soon as work was over, I had to pick up two kids that the sitter said were great and they fought all the way home! Then I had to fix supper and spend time with them - very hard to have one-on-one time when you are the only parent around. Then get them to bed, clean house and do laundry and try to get sleep before starting all over again. Trey had a good suggestion if you have friends you could swap some time out from kids with. But I realize that's not always possible. My sister-in-law has 15 and 11 yo sons and she sets aside two hours on the weekend that she tells them not to come to her room for her unless the house is on fire or they see a funnel cloud. (She works 56 hrs per week) And the only thing regarding the hair--mine started going gray at 27 and I became a redhead! My then DH (not Dear!) ranted and raved because I didn't get his permission before I colored. My reply was that I was too young to look like my grandmother just yet! And I'm still a redhead (and my younger son didn't realize til he was a teenager that it wasn't my real color). Anyway, we all understand and a lot of us have worn the same shoes. Just know that we are here for you to talk to anytime.