It’s that time of the year again. Snow is falling, gifts are being given, and people are getting really really drunk at office Christmas parties. This is all fine and good…until the Monday after said party, when there is an enormous elephant in the room, and it goes by the name of “Someone is getting fired ’cause of what happened Friday.” It is with this in mind, I decided to save you the embarrassment (and probably your job), by providing you with five easy tips about what NOT to do at your office party. #5- No Making Out With the Secretary I know, I know. It seems like a good idea at the time. She’s single, you’re single- it’s fine right? Wrong. Because you’re not single, remember? You have a wife and 3 kids. You think “nobody will know,” except someone will. Someone always does. This time, it’s Dwight- the creepy guy from accounting who has always despised you because you took his stapler. He was lurking in the shadows, and because he doesn’t have anyone else to support, he has the money to afford the most expensive camera phone, so he captured your indiscretions at the highest possible quality. Easy way to avoid this? Don’t do it! She’s not even that pretty, you’re just drunk. #4- Leave the Family at Home Christmas is a time for family, there is no doubt about this. But there are some occasions when you simply do not need your family around. This is one of those times. It seems harsh, I know. But it’s not. Think about it. For one, instead of actually having fun at YOUR Christmas party, you’re obligated to make sure the wife is having fun. “Oh you need your drink filled honey? Ok I’m on it!” “What, you need more Ritz’? Done.” See? It sucks. Also, do you really want your wife to know your coworkers? Be prepared for her to know everything about you. Dwight will be more than happy to tell her that you weren’t REALLY working late last Tuesday. He hates you. #3- Don’t Gossip About Other Coworkers Yes, we all know Dwight is creepy. Yes, we all know Mandy in sales has seen more action than Bruce Willis’ Career Highlight Reel. Yes, Travis from upstairs spends more time at a Strip Club than his own house. But that’s no reason to talk about it with other coworkers. When the alcohol is flowing, people are all for sprouting gossip about their peers. But then someone’s feelings get hurt, and the gossip goes from harmless chatter about Jon and his love for ponies, to a story about how Rick cheats on his wife with a Justin Bieber lookalike. Then, the floodgates open, everyone hates each other, and come Monday, the tension is so thick one can cut it with a knife. #2- Avoiding “Roasting” The Boss Everyone loves a good roast. Comedy Central hosts one every month. The problem is, roasts should be kept between peers. Your boss is not your peer. He’s not your friend. He doesn’t even really like you. You’re a cog in a machine and you’re easily replaceable. Thus, it’s best to just fly under the radar when you’re around him (or her. But mostly him). “Roasting” the boss may be funny at the time, until everyone is sober and he remembers when you called him a “cheap, money-hugging, wig-wearing Jabroni.” Sure, people laugh when you say it. He probably even laughs cause he’s had three Gin and Tonics and is on top of the world, but later on that night, after failing to hook up with the secretary that you DID NOT make out with, he’s going to be ****** and he’s going to want to take it out on someone. That someone will be you. #1 Do Not Hit on Boss’ Wife Because your boss did not follow #4, he brought his wife to the party. Because he’s the boss, he leaves her to fend for herself while he glad-hands with the board. You see her and think of it as an opportunity to make an impact on her, thus making an impact on your boss. If she likes you, the boss will like you. You approach her, strike up conversation, and are on the fast track to the raise you’ve been looking for since August…. One drink later, you’re starting to notice her ample cleavage. ..Two drinks later, your hand is on her leg…Three drinks later, you’re telling her “he doesn’t even love you. He takes you for granted. He doesn’t even…he doesn’t even know.” *Burp* Monday is going to be the beginning of a new era for you- The Era of Unemployment.....Good job, Slappy!