A little funny for the ladies

Discussion in 'Random Ramblings' started by Patchofheaven, Aug 27, 2007.

  1. Patchofheaven

    Patchofheaven Chillin' With My Peeps

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    Jul 18, 2007
    Conroe, TX
    When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.[​IMG]

    Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.
    You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume "The Stance."

    In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance."

    To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more.

    You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail .

    Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."

    By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.

    At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

    You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.

    You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."

    As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"

    This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door!

    This HAD to be written by a woman! No one else could describe it so accurately!
     
  2. serendipity22

    serendipity22 Chillin' With My Peeps

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    Jul 1, 2007
    NC
    That is sooo funny and soooo true!!
    [​IMG]
     
  3. sunnychooks

    sunnychooks Chillin' With My Peeps

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    Jul 21, 2007
    NJ
    Too true!!!! [​IMG]
     
  4. pricem11

    pricem11 Chillin' With My Peeps

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    Aug 14, 2007
    Pittsboro, NC
    Aww, you had it good! I've lived in places where the public restroom consisted of a hole in the concrete, no stall, and footprints painted next to the hole to show you where to put your feet before squatting! :)
     
  5. Frozen Feathers

    Frozen Feathers Chillin' With My Peeps

    May 4, 2007
    Maine
    Funny, but so true! [​IMG] I HATE public restrooms!

    pricem11- My BIL is in Japan and he saws a lot of the public restrooms are like that...you have to squat. He took a pic of one and sent it too us. [​IMG]
     
  6. Patchofheaven

    Patchofheaven Chillin' With My Peeps

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    Jul 18, 2007
    Conroe, TX
    My Grandma (90 years old and loves email) sent me this email today - I knew I had to share it. I swear this happened to me last week while doing our "back to school" shopping w/my boys. I always end up in the bathroom that has no toilet paper and the door won't lock or stay shut. Then when I went to wash my hands, I automatically put soap on my hands, then I read the OUT OF ORDER sign on the faucet and they were also out of towels - ever try to use the hand dryer when your hands were all soapy - it just doesn't work. I came out of the bathroom and asked my son to go back in the men's room and get me a wet paper towel and a couple dry ones. Wouldn't you know it the men's bathroom had soap, paper towels and running water, but none of the men were washing their hands...LOL
     
    Last edited: Aug 27, 2007
  7. bayouchica

    bayouchica Chillin' With My Peeps

    Jan 23, 2007
    N.E. Louisiana
    [​IMG]
     
  8. Fancy Feather Poultry

    Fancy Feather Poultry Cooped Up

    May 30, 2007
    It took so long too read, that two people posted there answers while reading, gosh that is so true trust me if I was that lady I would be squatting with one hand on the door.
     
  9. countrygirl4513

    countrygirl4513 Chillin' With My Peeps

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    Apr 14, 2007
    Portland TN
    I always head for the handicapped stall if there is one. #1 it's bigger with power bars on the sides, and most usually it is cleaner than the rest.
    This was a true and accurate report about what we go through. And if you add a toddler to that recipe... Lord help us! I'm just glad I don't have toddlers anymore!!
     
  10. DoctorGoose

    DoctorGoose Chillin' With My Peeps

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    Jul 27, 2007
    Woodinville,WA
    [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG]
     
    Last edited: Aug 27, 2007

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