after 8 years you'd think they would catch on!!!! REALLY upset.

[Ema]

ok so to make sense of this post I have to give some background.

When my hubby and I got together it was through a friend. I was 3 years older than him and both his sister and her boyfriend told him not to date me, they didn't even know me as I had just moved back in the area from another province. I met him when my best friend brought him over to help me paint my apartment. We hit it off immediately and I guess he started telling his sister that he was thinking of asking me to move in together and yadda yadda. He had been living with his sister and her boyfriend paying pretty much all the bills and buying all the food so they freaked out when they realized they would have to pay for all of thier own stuff if he moved out. they started bad mouthing me and telling him all the reasons I was no good for him. Everytime there was a family function I was left out of it, after attending a thanksgiving dinner he asked his parents why they left me out of the invite and they told him everything his sister had been telling them. well he got angry with them and told them they either accepted me or could forget about even talking to him, he told them he loved me and was going to ask me to marry him, at this point we had been together 8 months. following that he asked me to move in together and we did, shortly after that I accidentally got pregnant and I was completely freaked out but he was cool as a cucumber. I broke down crying because I knew exactly what his family would say.

in any event it wasn't until I was 8 months pregnant that they decided to talk to me again, they still sent invites via phone and would specifically say the invite was only for my husband. the day my husband told them we were pregnant they threw the biggest hissy fit and a week later his sister found out she was pregnant and they were so happy, they took her out for dinner to celebrate with the whole family and then threw her the biggest baby shower according to what they said and the photos they sent me to my email account, which I knew it was just to rub it in. anyhow, at 8 months pregnant they suddenly all wanted to be part of our lives, even his biological father and his wife and step children. my baby was born and they brought over gifts etc....then my husband got layed off and he told them he was uprooting the family to the west coast. well they all blamed me saying it was all my idea to keep him from being anywhere near them. and in fact I didn't even want to go but he couldn't find a job in our province and he had one already lined up and a place to stay out on the west coast. so we went and they again refused to talk to me. the icing on the cake was when I found out his sister was tellign people I was beating my baby, my husband lost his mind when he found me crying. he confronted her and she apologised. fast forward three years, we moved back, and she was fine, spent time with us etc...

my father past away and left us enough money to buy our own place so in 2005 we bought a farm in the northern region of our province, again she blamed me but it was her brother and my husband that had chosen the location. they threw a going away party and they told him I was not invited and neither was our daughter who was 3. needless to say my husband didn't go. we packed that weekend and left. weeks later we returned to visit friends and my family and his biological father asked us to come to his place for a family reunion, his family reunion. we went, not a single person spoke to me. My husband was so busy with his cousins he didn't even notice until dinner time when they set the table and accidentally didn't set a place for me or my daugther, I literally had to eat outside on the patio set with my little girl and my husband. after dinner we left and we haven't returned.

the only reason my husband has anything to do with his family is because I make him call them on holidays and birthdays and I make him send emails and photos. I am big on family its very important to me, my family and I are oceans away but we talk every single day and that includes all my siblings and aunts and uncles and cousins. anyhow fast forward to today....

his biological father has stage 4 cancer, because he refuses to email them or talk to them they are sending all emails to me and messages to my facebok which I relay. well I finally got him to call home yesterday and they told him his dad wants to see us before its too late. he told them he is about to get layed off again and its not possible on the funds we have. so they said no worries we will take care of it, which is a huge shocker, so we are getting everything ready and they email today and said, oh we just want him to come, you and the kids are not welcomed. I tried not to get upset so I let my husband read the message and he wrote back, no worries, I am not coming at all now!!!

I am so upset, I don't understand why they are like this, specially at this point in time after 8 years and three kids. I can honestly swear I never did anything wrong. and why punish the kids just because the don't like me. I know that his sister with her rumours caused a lot of damage, and I guess they just can't look past it, but wouldn't it make more sense to just give me a chance to show them I am nothing like she said I was. I just needed to rant I am soo very upset its not even funny. even so I told my husband to still go but no dice he refuses now, and then rubbed in my face that he told me this would happen again.

 

[sfw2]

I realize you've been trying to take the high road, here, but why on earth were you relaying messages for those idiots? Your husband is a grown man, and chose to spend his life with you. If he chooses not to have contact with his family (and that doesn't sound like any great loss, to me), I wouldn't force it on him by passing along messages. I'd block all of them from my Facebook and email accounts.

I know it's hard for you to understand such a dysfunctional family, when yours is so close. Just consider yourself blessed, and let your husband make his own decisions regarding his family. It would be nice if his father could make peace with him, before he dies, but you can't force him to go. Otherwise, that would be the LAST contact I had with your inlaws. You have your own family to think about.

 

[Ema]

Quote:
you know you are very right!!! a few years back I did delete and blocked them from everything, but against my better judgement I readded them when they email me and apologised for being stupid, but nothing changed, I think they just wanted that link to see waht we were up to and what we were doing with our lives.
so yes, I am done, I already told hubby taht I will no longer be the middle man and peace keeper. He said thank you.

 

[Whispering Winds]

You are dealing with a very dysfunctional family and its time to cut the cord. When you get a message, tell DH "you have message on my FB or email, you can read it and delete it when you are done with it." and just let go. They are probably never going to accept you, nothing you did or can do to change it. It's a shame, but your DH is a grown man and its time he took this battle on himself. Sorry about his dad, that is sad, and I do hope he does get to see him. It might bother him a LOT down the road later when he is older . . .things like that have a way of creeping up on you and biting you where it hurts. Another sad thing, and they need to be reminded of this, is that your kids are being cheated out of grandparents, because of their idiotic way of looking at things. DH needs to remind them of that, and not be nice about it. GP are so important to kids, and can make such an impact on their lives, its a shame so much of that time is wasted being mean and plain ignorant. Then again, it might be better for the kids NOT to be around this bunch.

 

[Cindiloohoo]

Quote:
you know you are very right!!! a few years back I did delete and blocked them from everything, but against my better judgement I readded them when they email me and apologised for being stupid, but nothing changed, I think they just wanted that link to see waht we were up to and what we were doing with our lives.
so yes, I am done, I already told hubby taht I will no longer be the middle man and peace keeper. He said thank you.

Standing frickin ovation! Ditch the losers and live YOUR lives together!

 

[Pelican49]

I would stay far far away and certainly I'd never let them know if they hurt my feelings. I understand that "family" is important. But real family doesn't act this way. Drop them all and carry on with your own life and your own family.

 

[PineappleMama]

Just curious, but is the sister still with the same guy? Only the one kids? Married or just 'together'?

I've had to deal with some drama (check that what did I do topic Wolf started) so, it might just be that they hate you because you're a happily married mother... for some that is so far out of reach.... even when they have the hubby and kids... that they have to strike out to feel better... just a theory... but you know misery loves company is a cliche for a reason.

 

[Ema]

Quote:
my hubby says his sister is very much like thier mother, in everyone's business because they can't deal with their own stuff. she was with the same guy for 8 years, unmarried when I came in the picture. He doesn't liek to work and he never helps around the house. they had the little girl and they bought ah ouse after my hubby moved out, but thtye quickly failed to pay their bills and both their home and their car got repossed and they had to file for bankruptcy for a second time. her guy always said he didn't want to work because he had talent as a photographer and he didn't want to waste his time on a regular job. so he spends his time photographing really pretty girls and even though he is suppossed to be charging money for the shoots he barely ever does, he is never home and is always out partying. he is a really big big guy so she works a full time job that pays minimum wage and he is suppossed to be on a doctors restricted diet but he spends all the money she makes on fast food. at their 10 yr anniversary she emailed me asking us for money and her brother, my hubby said no because he had a hunch she was lieing, she said she was about to get evicted and had no money for food or meds for the baby, turns out he was right she wanted the money to fly to vegas, which they did and they got married there. then she found out she was pregnant again and told everyone she didn't want the baby but kept it because she felt her husband was straying and this would rope him back in. I had no opinion on anything she was emailing the family I read the emails and that was that, I didn't want to give my opinion where it wasn't wanted. that same xmas I sent a huge package of gifts for the girls and she complained I didn't send anything for her or her hubby.

anyways fast forward to now, she still has work minimum wage hours and get the kids to daycare while at work because her hubby refuses to watch the kids.

where as my hubby took full responsibility and has no issues helping around the house, actually he likes doing that, and very often tells me to go sit down and relax and he will do the dishes, or cook dinner. When I am not feeling well he babies me big time, and even though we spend every waking moment when he is not at work together he calls me at every break just to talk to me. he refuses to let me work outside of the home, he sas if I really want to sure, but that he would rather me stay home and be there for the kids and he will provide for us, he works really hard. I know I have a great relationship, but she has only seen us together a handful of times. so if its jealousy based, I really don't know!!

 

[PineappleMama]

Well, outsider comparing the two of you... yeah I'd say you're WAY better off... and that a good portion of why is because you and yours work for it & make good choices... rather than admitting failure and bad choices it's easier just to badmouth and in your own head at least believe that you're the one better off. Plus, pointing at others distracts folks from your faults... boy is my mom a master at that!! It's really an amazing (scary, but amazing) thing to see in action...

Sucks that they're all so caught up in their hatred... but you can't force them to be decent, that's a choice. Sucks for DH, who hurts 1 as a person (same as you) but 2 because it's his own family, folks he does love but doesn't like... and for your kiddos who are missing out on a whole side of their family.

Again, outsider, but sounds to me like you guys are providing a stable, loving, healthy home for your kiddos... many many are just not that lucky. Don't let this put a hitch in your stride. Just keep doing what you've been doing and if they someday choose to be decent THEN you can reevaluate. Until then prickly pineapple

 

[breezy]

My husbands sister doesnt like me. I tried for years to resolve the issues she had with me and did all I could to encourage my husband to stay on good terms with her. That was a huge mistake which came back to bite me in the patootie. I did not want to be responsible for my husband making a choice between me and his sister but in the end it became clear that she was the one trying to force that decision on him. Your husband is a good man. He has chosen to honor his wife and family by making the right choice to put you before all others. That is how marriage and family should be, honor him by in return by accepting that his choice is wise. Dont try to facilitate communication with them let your husband deal with them as he sees fit. Give your husband a big hug and thank him for being a stand up guy who clearly has his priorities straight.