Airline Clerk - I am loving this joke!!!

Discussion in 'Games, Jokes, and Fun!' started by whiteflare, May 15, 2011.

  1. whiteflare

    whiteflare Out of the blue

    Mar 13, 2011
    Sydney
    [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG]

    An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

    During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

    Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

    The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

    The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

    Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to gate 17."

    With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "(Expletive) you." Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

    The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although the flight was canceled and people were late, they were no longer angry at United.
     
  2. whiteflare

    whiteflare Out of the blue

    Mar 13, 2011
    Sydney
    Oh my goodness!!! I can't explain how hard I am laughing right now, Check this out! [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG]

    After every flight, pilots complete a gripe sheet which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The form is a piece of paper that the pilot completes and then the mechanics read and correct the problem. They then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour.

    P: = The problem logged by the pilot.

    S: = The solution and action taken by the engineers.


    P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

    S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.


    P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.

    S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.


    P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.

    S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. No's 1, 3, and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.


    P: Something loose in cockpit.

    S: Something tightened in cockpit.


    P: Dead bugs on windshield.

    S: Live bugs on back-order.


    P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.

    S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.


    P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

    S: Evidence removed.


    P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

    S: DME volume set to more believable level.


    P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

    S: That's what they're there for.


    P: IFF inoperative.

    S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.


    P: Suspected crack in windshield.

    S: Suspect you're right.


    P: Number 3 engine missing.

    S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.


    P: Aircraft handles funny.

    S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.


    P: Target radar hums.

    S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.


    P: Mouse in cockpit.

    S: Cat installed.
     
    Last edited: May 15, 2011
  3. Imp

    Imp All things share the same breath- Chief Seattle

    [​IMG]

    Imp
     
  4. annaraven

    annaraven Born this way

    Apr 15, 2010
    SillyCon Valley
    Quote:LOVE THESE! [​IMG]:lau
     
  5. TigerLilly

    TigerLilly I failed Chicken Math

    Jul 18, 2010
    Central Florida
    [​IMG] at both
     
  6. whiteflare

    whiteflare Out of the blue

    Mar 13, 2011
    Sydney
    annaraven: Not wrong!

    "Engine found on right wing after brief search..." [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG]
     
  7. whiteflare

    whiteflare Out of the blue

    Mar 13, 2011
    Sydney
    A student is sitting his Physics exam, and quite an important one at that - maybe his final degree paper or his Oxford Entrance.

    Anyway, one of the questions on the paper was to the effect of:

    ``Q: How could one measure the height of a building using a barometer?''


    Being a wit, in the exam this chap puts:

    ``A: Drop the barometer from the top of the building and time its descent. Using the formula `s = ut + a(t^2)/2' and knowing `a' which is `g' we can calculate the height of the building with reasonable accuracy.'' He then goes on to describe in more detail the method he would use.


    The examiners were a little concerned. Here was one of their star students giving an answer they hadn't at all expected. So they decided to call him in and give him an oral test to decide whether or not to allow the answer which they did admit was perfectly valid. So they called him in and told him he had 15 minutes to make his case. For ten minutes he said nothing but scribbled away furiously. After these ten minutes the atmosphere was getting a little tense - this was meant to be an oral after all, and his degree (or whatever) depended on it. When they pointed this out to him he said that he was just trying to get his thoughts in order as there were so many possible solutions. Here are some of the ones he came up with:


    1: What you wanted me to do, of course, was measure air pressure at the top and bottom of the building, and from the difference and knowing the pressure exerted by a column of air of unit height I should be able to calculate the height of the building. But I thought that would be terribly inaccurate and the answer I gave in the exam and the following ones are all potentially more accurate.

    2: Measure the length of shadow cast by the bulding and by the barometer on a sunny day. Knowing the actual height of the barometer one can compute the height of the building.

    3: Tie the barometer to the end of a long bit of string and lower the barometer from the top of the building to the ground. Measure the amount of string payed out and you have the height of the building.''

    He then gave several more but ended with:

    The best method by far, though, would be to go to the building's janitor and say ''If I give you this shiny new scientific barometer will you tell me how high this building is?"


    The student passed his exam.

    [​IMG]
     
  8. NixNoodleNumbat

    NixNoodleNumbat Chillin' With My Peeps

    Jan 1, 2011
    Australia
    [​IMG] to all of them.
     
  9. iluvsedward

    iluvsedward Overrun With Chickens

    5,684
    18
    251
    Jan 19, 2010
    Calvert county MD
    [​IMG]
     
  10. dkvart1

    dkvart1 Chillin' With My Peeps

    Nov 5, 2010
    Oh my Lord, I just laughed until I cried. I used to work in the office of an airline maintenance facility and always had to wonder about the mechanics. The stuff they put on the work orders, was at times, hysterical and yet oh so frightening!
     

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