Another tough night

Discussion in 'Family Life - Stories, Pictures & Updates' started by debilorrah, Sep 12, 2010.

  1. debilorrah

    debilorrah The Great Guru of Yap Premium Member

    My friend with cancer has pretty much gone off the deep end, leaving his wife and kids (grown) wondering exactly where his mind is. He has taken off to places unknown, leaving a bad attitude in his wake....I have never read about this behavior here before, so I am wondering if it is normal. He is ANGRY!!!! He is just peed off that his life is gonna end, and not treating people well.

  2. WriterofWords

    WriterofWords Has Fainting Chickens

    Dec 25, 2007
    Chaparral, New Mexico
    Debi I've known a lot of people who will suddenly react similarly when it finally does sink in that they are going to die and there is nothing they can do about it. They get mad at the world because it will go on without them, at their God for deserting them, at their family and friends for not being able to fix it. The friend of mine who died two weeks ago kept a smile plastered on his face for the world to see while he tried to convince his family and friends that he was ok with what was happening, that he knew he was dying, it was inevitable, why fight it? Inside it was tearing him apart and he finally lost one day and left the house and didn't return for several days. He left them scared and worried with no word of where he was or what he was doing, or if he was still alive. When he went back he is was as venomous as a rattlesnake. He couldn't hurt the cancer, but he could hurt those around him in it's place. If we get bitten by a bee, we smack the bee, if we trip on a rock we throw it away. But there is no fighting fairly or evenly with a disease that is eating you from the inside out and that need we have to strike out at what is hurting us channels into anger at anyone within reach.
    It's hard to do but try and realize he doesn't have a lot of control right now, over himself, his situation, or even his life. He doesn't mean to hurt you guys, not really, it's just misdirected anger and pain.
    Last edited: Sep 12, 2010
  3. debilorrah

    debilorrah The Great Guru of Yap Premium Member

    Kate, I suspect as much with him too. I have to tell you that I really appreciate you as a friend. It is usually you to post and help out. This is hard for all of us. Especially for my friend, his wife. He needs to pull his head out of his butt and leave good memories!!!
  4. WriterofWords

    WriterofWords Has Fainting Chickens

    Dec 25, 2007
    Chaparral, New Mexico
    Thank you Debi, I appreciate you and value your friendship a great deal. I know I'm not around a lot now, but I keep my eyes open.
  5. I have WHAT in my yard?

    I have WHAT in my yard? Chillin' With My Peeps

    Jun 24, 2008
    Eggberg, PA
    "Illness doesn't make angels out of anybody except in books and obituaries,"

    I forget who said it. Leaving good memories is the last thing on his mind right now and how other people will remember him isn't really his problem. In the final days before his death my cousin's husband also turned vicious and inappropriate making passes at the nurses right in front of his wife and kids. Then getting very sexual. It was scary and embarrassing to his wife and children until the nurse explained it as part of his brain dying. He had lost his inhibitions. All of them! He was a big guy and the day before he died he hit his wife across the face. She remembers it, of course she does, but she knows it wasn't him or who he was, she says his disease smacked her as hard as it smacked him. Your friend will know this is not her husband. Dying is often not a pretty process.
  6. Whispering Winds

    Whispering Winds Chillin' With My Peeps

    Isn't there four stages of cancer? disbelief, fear, anger and then acceptance?

    I just found out a mid 40's woman that grew up down the street from us, and is the sweetest nicest person you would ever hope to meet is dying of liver cancer. I am going to send her a note, because this has been going on for months and no one told us . . .I am heartbroken, and also scared to send a card . ..I guess a "thinking of you" is the best way to go in these circumstances.

    I am so sorry that your friend has decided to be angry with those who love him the most. My BIL is in the nursing home and is SO mean to my sister, she is heartbroken when she gets home from visiting. Blames her for everything, so I guess you don't have to have cancer in order to be angry over life's illness/deterioration.

    I think he will come around and be his sweet gentle self again. I have no idea how I would deal with something like that. I have thought of it alot, but have no idea. I am also selfish and honest enough to admit I hope I never do have to deal with it.
  7. Camelot Farms

    Camelot Farms Chickenista

    Debi, is there any chance that some of this comes from a misguided thought process that says 'if they hate me, it wont hurt so much when I am gone?' Perhaps even subconsciously?

    Just looking for another way to rationalize this. ((hugs))
  8. Judy

    Judy Chicken Obsessed Staff Member Premium Member

    Feb 5, 2009
    South Georgia
    Quote:The five stages of grief: denial, anger, depression, bargaining, acceptance. Pretty universal for any really sad news.

    This is not the time he will have much concern for the feelings of others. He may just have to be given a lot of understanding that he needs to go through his own process. About all anyone can do, unless he reaches out for help, is protect themselves and their kids and such as best they can.

    Best wishes.
  9. calicokat

    calicokat Chillin' With My Peeps

    Apr 2, 2009
    azalia, indiana
    And on top of all this wise stuff that others have said, he's likely pretty scared too.

    It won't change his behavior to know what's behind it, but hopefully you can keep it in mind when intereacting with him and it will help you. [​IMG]
  10. debilorrah

    debilorrah The Great Guru of Yap Premium Member

    Well, he came home sometime today when my friend was out. Since then he has been asleep.

    A little history with this guy, as much as I love him, he can be difficult. In the past, when he has been a complete butthead, he heads for the jewelry store and buys something extremely expensive, usually special ordered, to make up for his behavior. So this afternoon, the jewelry store calls for him..... Same path if you ask me.

    I wish there was some way for me to help my friend deal with this behavior, and a way for me to tell him to knock it the hell off!!!!

BackYard Chickens is proudly sponsored by