Anyone suffer from or has to care for anyone with severe depression?

Discussion in 'Family Life - Stories, Pictures & Updates' started by oesdog, Jun 1, 2016.

  1. oesdog

    oesdog Chillin' With My Peeps

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    We have had a deal of issues in our home over a number of years.

    From having to deal with bringing up two disabled boys to having our own medical issues.
    I am having ongoing tests for MS and have been diagnosed with Trigeminal neuralgia. I also have other issues like Anemia and problems with my movements and co-ordination and balance. I get vertigo a lot and my hands are now quite curled and difficult to use. I am also having vision issues as well so things are hard enough.

    However Hubby dear DH is struggling a lot as he has had major surgery on his spine and now has a cage holding his head on. He has two other areas of his spine which are badly crumbling which will need treatment in the future. He has also ongoing heart problems and has had heart attacks and stents put in. The surgery last year was hard on him and it permanently damaged his voice. He sings and so this is very hard on him. He gets very down. We are now back to going to speech therapy to try to get him to learn to manage this speech issues with breathing techniques etc. When I had a brain scan last week at the hospital he went "wandering!" The OT found him and told him off because he was walking with a deal of pain and she made him put the stick away in the car and gave him two crutches to use. He has a rollator and a mobility scooter as well. But if you looked at him you would think oh he is a big healthy guy! But that isn;t the case. He is on major amounts of morphine everyday. He cries a lot everyday and I am finding it hard to handle. When I went through difficult times and severe depression I talked to me GP all the time and a friend who was trained in mental health. I largely protected my family from my feelings and was able to box them up! But hubby can;t and I am continuously shouldering the deep depression he has. As his carer I am finding it so hard. My Mother had Polio my sister MS, My Twins Brain damage and now Hubby? I am drowning in others disability and I am exhausted and ill myself.
    Does anyone else out there struggle with depression and can help me to support hubby better. It is hard work listening to all the negativity and I so want him to see all the blessings we do have going for us. Especially now we don;t have the kids to look after as both are in the care of supported living services now. We are still young enough to have a life but DH is always in such pain and is always low. What can I do ??????????

    Oes
     
    Last edited: Jun 1, 2016
  2. oldhenlikesdogs

    oldhenlikesdogs Lots of Chickens Premium Member

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    Depression comes from an imbalance in the system. I had deep depression for many years and also have multiple health problem. Something to try is a b complex vitamin, it can help and does help me now when I start feeling down. If he gets no response from it, than he should see about an antidepressant. I don't think you can help him except to listen and be there. Try the vitamin first, than see if you can get him to a doctor, health problems in themselves are horrible to deal with, but they don't cause depression, they cause you to get down, than cry, than you get back up. Depression sucks you down into a dark place that you often can't get out of.

    So sorry you both have such challenging lives, and I hope you both can find the light and follow it. Best of luck, and again so sorry.
     
  3. oesdog

    oesdog Chillin' With My Peeps

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    Thanx

    DH is already under the care of the DR and mental health team for his depression so is already on the appropriate meds for it.

    Oes
     
  4. oldhenlikesdogs

    oldhenlikesdogs Lots of Chickens Premium Member

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    That's good to hear, I guess my only advice is to listen to him, than take some time for yourself too afterwards. Don't hold onto the negativity. He probably wants to get stuff out. Make sure to take care of yourself, that's a lot for you to carry on yourself.
     
  5. Ifish

    Ifish Chillin' With My Peeps

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    A lot of times depression is due to an imbalance, but nowhere near absolute. People can get down because of money problems, losing a loved one, health issues, just plain old getting old. There are a number of reasons for it, and many different treatments for it. Sometimes it's anxiety that is misdiagnosed as depression.

    Honestly, I am very sorry to hear all that you guys have been dealing with. That's enough to make anyone down, sad, and frustrated. I'm not sure this is something that can be medicated away.

    B vitamins do help me deal with stress and anxiety better. But my depression is cyclical and I am not seeking treatment for it. As a guy, I believe your husband is more frustrated and angry than anything else, and he's keeping a lot of that inside. He's frustrated he can't do what he used to or take care of you in your time of need. This frustration and anger can manifest itself in many ways and lead to depression, and sometimes anxiety. I think the best thing is to actually talk with a counselor or someone used to dealing with PTSD, anger management, or health counseling. I'm the last person on earth who wants to go talk to someone else, but here I think it's appropriate. You guys have such a full plate and only so much room inside to hold it.

    I watch my father and father inlaw both go downhill. Both have supportive wives, but both are so unhappy that they are disabled and cannot do what they used to do.
     
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  6. oesdog

    oesdog Chillin' With My Peeps

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    We were sent to a councellor by the Dr and so DH is on the care of the mental health team however their idea of treatment is to get him out doing stuff. They sent the leaflet with the stuff on it. It was walking in the mountains, Camera trip along the seashore and basic computor class???? He can;t walk far so we can;t do the walking and he fixes Computors! It was so bad he just cried and said he didn;t want to go back to the councellor who obviously didn;t take into account his physical health when she had these wonderful brain waves. Also some of the things on offer sounded good like pottery but they discourage carers - which means he would have to struggle on his own in a strange group of folk which he doesn't do! To be honest it was rather unfare because I do a lot of the driving now so I would have to take him to some of these things and litterally wait in the car but I am not well too and DH would not let me wait for him in a car while he was doing stuff! So I took him for coffee and cake instead.! We do go out to church and it is a lovely little place but no one ever asks DH if he wants to go out anyplace and he cries because his best friends are all dead now and his Dad so I guess he is lonely in a way I can;t fill. He needs a Man friend. He goes singing sometimes in the choir but his voice is damaged and he finds it hard to stand for long so he is struggling and then cries when they tell him he is off note. They don;t see how he responds after! They just see this big strapping guy who uses a stick which is somewhat of an ornament in their eyes because he walks ok at times when the meds are right but they don;t see the pain he is in constantly or that he has a cage holding his head on! They just see a guy who they think is ok and he believes they think he is a big fake and so tries to do things like lift stuff which he is not allowed to do.Which causes pain and disability and he cries again.
    So I feel like I am drowning.

    Oes
     
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  7. oldhenlikesdogs

    oldhenlikesdogs Lots of Chickens Premium Member

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    I have physical limitations too, though certainly no where near as bad as your husband. I have in the past turned to medical professionals for help but found many to be as you have found them, worthless and not able to understand what it feel like. It can be hard to find support or even a kind soul sometimes in our world. I have found myself a home here on this website amongst like minded folks and it makes me happy, perhaps there one your husband can join that is about one of his interests or even one for people that suffer chronic pain.

    It can help to focus on the positive and to try to spend your days doing whatever makes you happy or whatever physical tasks that you can. It does require one to stop comparing ones life to other people's who appear to be happy and having a great time and to focus on things that are smaller and that make you smile.

    You also need to forgive others as they can't always understand. I always think of my Grandma in the last few years of her life, I was young and didn't spend the time with her I would have now, nor did I understand how lonely she must have been. Age brings wisdom, so others aren't always as caring or understanding because they have no frame of reference to draw on.

    I wish I could help you find the care or support that you need for both of you. Sometimes you have to keep looking and looking again until you find the right people. Going through cancer and chemotherapy left me physically a mess, but mentally it helped straightened my priorities and my desire to keep living and to do what brings me joy and to not focus on others expectations of me, I understand now that time is precious and can be taken from me at any point. I now live more free and happy, and deal with the physical stuff as best as I can.
     
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  8. appps

    appps Overrun With Chickens

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    It's hard when you loose something was a big part of who you are (such as the singing). My mum broke her hip and they replaced it badly so for 3 years she was on morphine and in pain. She really reached a point where she couldn't see anything positive going forward because she'd lost her major hobby gardening and her independence. The constant pain made it tiring just getting out of bed and she spent more and more time just sitting around watching television getting more and more depressed with the less and less she could do. As my dad took on more and more of her normal jobs the worse her depression got.

    Finally they realised they had botched the hip repair and fixed it and slowly she has dragged herself out of the depression but it's been hard and the biggest help has been finding something to replace the lost hobby and returning to feeling useful around the house rather than useless.

    Maybe take a look at what your dh used to do and what he does now. How much independence has he lost? Can you find a club or group he can join to get him out and about and a new hobby and give you a little break. (Edited as I just read you last post Re you driving. That does make it hard. online hobbies are still hobbies. Mum has thoroughly enjoyed sharing her new hobby on Pinterest and my dad who had also got depressed caring for her has had a big improvement taking on his clubs website design and updating. Both of them suddenly felt useful and part of something again and it didn't require leaving the house)

    Try to make sure you don't take on his jobs because you are trying to help. My dad did that and rather than helping it just made her more helpless and more feeling hopeless. If you take on a job he can't do don't just take it away from him, replace it with an easier one but something he can still do so he doesn't feel useless.
     
    Last edited: Jun 3, 2016
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  9. DreamsInPink

    DreamsInPink Chillin' With My Peeps

    I am very sorry to hear you are struggling with all that you are. I too struggle with severe depression. Mine is seasonal though. It's SAD, Seasonal Affective Disorder. Basically it's during the winter when there is less sunlight. I usually do pretty well until around January. Then it hits me hard. The good thing is, I know it's coming. But even so, it doesn't make it any easier.

    You have definitely gotten some good advice here. I wish you and your husband nothing but the best. :)
     
  10. Lisa Wood

    Lisa Wood Chillin' With My Peeps

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    Hi there,

    I am so sorry you are having so many problems of your own. Even though he is your husband, at some point you have to say they are not your problems. I mean, you cannot really "shoulder" or absorb another's emotions, even if that person is your husband. I would say there is nothing you can do, as the mental health professionals are not even effective, aye? Out of your circle of responsibility. Your main focus should be getting him qualified proffessional help he needs. Vitamins aint gonna do it. Redirecting his interests aint gonna do it.
    Your husband has decided to remain ill, which makes him more sick. Why else would he pick up heavy weights against Drs orders, knowing it hurts. If he cant stand at choir practice, for Gods sake, get him a chair. I know you are in another country, but here disabled people have rights. And dont tell me he doesnt want to be disabled. The gap between what we want, and what we are, is something we all have to negotiate. Either we adjust, or deny the truth and go mad.
    Somewhere you said he is on appropriate drugs. If he is crying every day, the anti depressant is not appropriate. He needs something else, or more. I was on a cocktail myself since March 6, 2014, when mh husband of 18 years woke me from a nap and shot himself in the head. That would be diagnosed as PTSD with nightmares every night, preventing me from sleeping. Afraid to let myself sleep. Which means i am up all night, asleep during the day, when i can open eyes and see day. My new Psychiatrist prescribed a pill, nightmares where gone. Period. In one night. So, same thing with the Dr. Who is giving him unobtainable activities. Get new Dr. You have to. She doesnt know what she is doing.

    Recently my Dr. Also gave me Morphine. It took away chronic level 10 pain. I felt better immediately. So, dont get confused. He is in pain. Without Morphine he will be crying more. Morphine is not psychiatric drug. Research all his drugs and get informed.
    If it were my church, i would ask the other choir members to not point out the obvious about his singing. If they cant go that I would be angry. The church is here to help, not injure.
    So, while we are on that subject, I pray you are both saved. When you say "What can I do?" again, not much. This problem is God sized, and must be layed down for Him to work on both of you.
    When my husband was alive, i was counseled to divorce, by Christian counselor. You have to grab the life bouy and keep you afloat for the rest of your family and for you. Besides, we have already established untill he decides, he will get worse, right? So you disconnect anf get better.
    What kind of services do you have in your country to help? Caregivers? Bus rides to medical appts? Find out and use them. ASAP
    I moved to SC Aug 19, 2015 to escape my Borderline emotionally abusive mother in another state. I lived there 3 years trying to help her. This is where my husband died. After he died, i just coild not deal with her any more. I felt alot like you. When i got here, i sat on my bed snd watchded hummingbirds. Fobbr hours days weeks months. I startred see chickens in the back yard. I do not have income for any more animals. But every day I saw chickens. Researched breeds, health, coops, eggs, everything. I just moved babies inyo coop yesterday. Gof gave md the vision, and there is a big reason He wants me to have chickens. Maybe to destress, maybe more.
    When you cant do your life, just do the bare minimjm untill you can do your life again.
    I pray you will recieve divine comfort and blessings, and healing, in Jesus name, Amen. I am blessed beyond words.
     

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