DH got this from his forum:
APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
Note: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage and current medical report from your doctor.
NAME_________________________________
DATE OF BIRTH________________
HEIGHT_______ WEIGHT_______ IQ_______ GPA______ GRID_______
INCOME TAX FILE NUMBER___________
DRIVERS LICENSE_________________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES____________________________________________
HOME ADDRESS______________________________________
CITY/STATE______________________________
POST CODE________________
Do you have parents? __Yes __No
Is one male and the other female? __Yes __No
If no explain:________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
Number of years they have been married _____________________
If less than your age, explain ____________________________________________________
ACCESSORIES SECTION:
A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No
B. A truck with oversize tires? __Yes __No
C. A waterbed? __Yes __No
D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No
E. A tattoo? __Yes __No
F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, pierced tongue, pierced cheek, or a bellybutton ring?
__Yes __No
(IF YOU ANSWERED YES TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)
ESSAY SECTION:
In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you? ________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does DONT TOUCH MY DAUGHTER mean to you?_________
____________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?______________________
____________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
REFERENCES SECTION:
Church you attend_______________________________________________________
How often you attend______________________________________________
When would be the best time to interview your:
Father?____________
Mother?_____________
Priest or Pastor?____________________
SHORT ANSWER SECTION:
Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.
A. If I was shot, the last place I would want shot would be:______________________________
B. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:__________________________
C. A womens place is in the: ___________________________________________________
D. The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:_______________________
E. What do you want to be IF you grow up?_________________________________________
G. What is the current rate of a hotel room?________________________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, INDIGENOUS AUSTRALIAN BULL ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE and RED HOT POKERS
______________________________________________
Applicants Signature (that means your name, moron!)
____________________________
Mothers Signature
___________________________
Fathers Signature
__________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi
_______________________
State or Federal Government Representative
______________________________(Their stamp goes here)
Notary Public
Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.
Please allow four to six years for processing.
You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write. If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (You might watch your back)
To prepare yourself, start studying Daddys Rules for Dating.
Daddys Rules for Dating
Your dads rules for your boyfriend(or for you if you are a guy)
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk, you better be delivering a package, because youre sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughters body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please do not take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nai gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
Im sure that you have been told that in todays world sex without utilizing a Barrier Method of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information that I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: early.
Rule Six:
I have no doubt that you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is fine with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she isfinished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Sydney harbor Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why dont you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool, places where there is darkness, places where there is dancing, holding hands , or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka-zipped up to her throat. Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies that feature chainsaws are okay. Cricket games are okay...Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dim witted has-been. But on issues related to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early then return to your car- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Oldman
Monica
APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
Note: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage and current medical report from your doctor.
NAME_________________________________
DATE OF BIRTH________________
HEIGHT_______ WEIGHT_______ IQ_______ GPA______ GRID_______
INCOME TAX FILE NUMBER___________
DRIVERS LICENSE_________________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES____________________________________________
HOME ADDRESS______________________________________
CITY/STATE______________________________
POST CODE________________
Do you have parents? __Yes __No
Is one male and the other female? __Yes __No
If no explain:________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
Number of years they have been married _____________________
If less than your age, explain ____________________________________________________
ACCESSORIES SECTION:
A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No
B. A truck with oversize tires? __Yes __No
C. A waterbed? __Yes __No
D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No
E. A tattoo? __Yes __No
F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, pierced tongue, pierced cheek, or a bellybutton ring?
__Yes __No
(IF YOU ANSWERED YES TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)
ESSAY SECTION:
In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you? ________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does DONT TOUCH MY DAUGHTER mean to you?_________
____________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?______________________
____________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
REFERENCES SECTION:
Church you attend_______________________________________________________
How often you attend______________________________________________
When would be the best time to interview your:
Father?____________
Mother?_____________
Priest or Pastor?____________________
SHORT ANSWER SECTION:
Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.
A. If I was shot, the last place I would want shot would be:______________________________
B. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:__________________________
C. A womens place is in the: ___________________________________________________
D. The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:_______________________
E. What do you want to be IF you grow up?_________________________________________
G. What is the current rate of a hotel room?________________________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, INDIGENOUS AUSTRALIAN BULL ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE and RED HOT POKERS
______________________________________________
Applicants Signature (that means your name, moron!)
____________________________
Mothers Signature
___________________________
Fathers Signature
__________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi
_______________________
State or Federal Government Representative
______________________________(Their stamp goes here)
Notary Public
Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.
Please allow four to six years for processing.
You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write. If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (You might watch your back)
To prepare yourself, start studying Daddys Rules for Dating.
Daddys Rules for Dating
Your dads rules for your boyfriend(or for you if you are a guy)
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk, you better be delivering a package, because youre sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughters body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please do not take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nai gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
Im sure that you have been told that in todays world sex without utilizing a Barrier Method of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information that I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: early.
Rule Six:
I have no doubt that you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is fine with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she isfinished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Sydney harbor Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why dont you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool, places where there is darkness, places where there is dancing, holding hands , or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka-zipped up to her throat. Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies that feature chainsaws are okay. Cricket games are okay...Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dim witted has-been. But on issues related to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early then return to your car- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Oldman
Monica
