Can I get feedback on my paragraph?

Discussion in 'Random Ramblings' started by tabsmonsters, Jan 23, 2009.

  1. tabsmonsters

    tabsmonsters Chillin' With My Peeps

    723
    0
    161
    Apr 27, 2007
    Laclede County, MO
    After almost having a panic attack a little while ago (thanks for helping me with that!) I dropped my History 121 class. I feel so much better!

    I have this summary paragraph that is due tomorrow night and I was wondering if I could get some of you English Majors (or if you are just really good at English Comp) to look at my paragraph and let me know if I made any mistakes. Its not due until tomorrow at midnight so I have some time to make corrections.

    Thanks!



    In his essay, The Burden of Skepticism, Carl Sagan suggests that too much skepticism or the lack of skepticism can be hazardous. If a person lacks a healthy dose of skepticism, they will be unable to distinguish the difference between a good idea and a bad idea and believe everything that they hear. Sagan also believes that a person can be too skeptical and leave themselves unable to learn anything new or improve their station in life. He concludes that a healthy skeptic lives with an open mind to new ideas, tests them out in theory or in practice and bases their judgment on the results of their findings.
     
  2. mom'sfolly

    mom'sfolly Overrun With Chickens

    5,024
    66
    308
    Feb 15, 2007
    Austin area, Texas
    My suggestion, from a long ago Biology major.

    I would change to first sentence to read "too much or to little skepticism can be hazardous" instead of "too much skepticism or the lack or skepticism" and in the the last sentence I would omit the "out" so the sentence reads "tests them in theory or in practice". JMHO

    Hope this helps.
     
  3. tabsmonsters

    tabsmonsters Chillin' With My Peeps

    723
    0
    161
    Apr 27, 2007
    Laclede County, MO
    Ohh, those are good. I really wasn't happy with that first sentence. So many rules to this writing stuff makes my head spin!
    Thanks!
     
  4. The Chicken Lady

    The Chicken Lady Moderator Staff Member

    16,153
    62
    361
    Apr 21, 2008
    West Michigan
    With the changes already suggested, it looks and sounds great!

    [​IMG] from the English major/English teacher/Reading grad. student [​IMG]
     
  5. arlosmine

    arlosmine Out Of The Brooder

    30
    0
    22
    Dec 18, 2008
    "mind open to new ideas", rather than "open mind to new ideas". It is the mind which is open, so this word order is more direct. Hope this helps and good luck!
     
  6. ksacres

    ksacres At Your Service

    4,230
    10
    231
    Nov 16, 2007
    San Antonio TX
    Quote:This is how I would write it.
     
    Last edited: Jan 23, 2009
  7. RoseHawke

    RoseHawke Out Of The Brooder

    13
    0
    21
    Dec 26, 2008
    Central Alabama
    I may be mistaken, but I believe you've got number compatibility issues there, i.e, "[...]If a person lacks a healthy dose of skepticism, they will be unable[...]" etc., etc. emphasis added.
     
  8. ksacres

    ksacres At Your Service

    4,230
    10
    231
    Nov 16, 2007
    San Antonio TX
    They is easier than saying "he or she"
     
  9. tabsmonsters

    tabsmonsters Chillin' With My Peeps

    723
    0
    161
    Apr 27, 2007
    Laclede County, MO
    true. if you used "individual" more than once in the paragraph, would it be too redundant?
     
  10. Teach97

    Teach97 Bantam Addict

    Nov 12, 2008
    Hooker, OK
    ya'll help with papers!! [​IMG] I need one for a Educational Psychology course...Life Span Development...has to be on a case study...something in the 5-6 page range...thanks! [​IMG]
     

BackYard Chickens is proudly sponsored by