Children's book about chickens, need some critique

Discussion in 'Pictures & Stories of My Chickens' started by DaisyGriffin, Nov 27, 2011.

  1. DaisyGriffin

    DaisyGriffin New Egg

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    Nov 27, 2011
    I am currently writing a children's chapter book, Samantha Hatches the Chicken Egg. It is the second in the series following Samantha Loses the Box Turtle which is having great success. I am trying to bring a love of animals to children and in this latest book the featured animal is the chicken. I would really love some feedback on this excerpt as well as ideas for elsewhere in the book. Below is a chapter out of the middle of the book, 3 children (ages 8, 5, & 2) have incubated chicken eggs and are going to the store to get food right after they hatched.....

    Since it was the weekend Sam’s dad was home. “Come on kid, I’ll take you to get some chick food. Who else wants to go?” Dad said.
    “Me!” Sophie shouted.
    “I go, I go too.” Michelle chimed in.
    “To the car,” Dad said as he swooped up Michelle and put her shoes on for her. Samantha grinned and headed out to get in the car.
    When they got to the feed store the girls piled out of the car and went walking around looking at saddles and toy tractors and all of the fun stuff that stocked the shelves of the feed and seed store. Dad put a giggling Michelle on his shoulder and dutifully went to find the chick starter feed. Samantha heard a “peep, peep, peep” sound. She and Sophie followed the sound until she came to a place where there were 4 huge tubs, and they were full of tiny, fluffy, baby chickens.
    “Dad!” she called out, “Dad look, it’s baby chickens!”
    Dad was not impressed. “We have baby chickens at the house, remember?” he replied.
    “There are so many of them. They are so cute!” Sophie practically squealed with delight.
    “Alright, you girls can look at the chicks while I buy the food, but be ready to leave when I’m done.” Dad said. He put Michelle down so she could look too. “Watch out for Michelle, I’ll be right by the counter there,” he added.
    Sophie and Samantha were trying to decide which one was the cutest when they heard Michelle say sadly, “Chick die. Chick die.” Michelle was looking in a different tub than her two sisters. Samantha went over to where the toddler was pointing and looked. At first she just saw a mass of fluffy chicks running around, but then at the back of all the movement she saw one little form laying down quietly at the back. A wave of sadness rushed through Samantha at the sight of the chick. She put her arm around Michelle and was going to try to comfort her when Sophie pointed and said, “It moved! It’s not dead, it moved!”
    Samantha looked again at the little chick, very closely this time. It’s eyes fluttered open for just a moment as it tried to raise it’s head. Then they closed and he lay still again. Samantha didn’t even think about it. She reached in and shooed all the other baby chicks away from the hurt one so they wouldn’t step on him. Then she very carefully picked him up and held him close to her. “Come on Sophie. Come on Michelle,” Samantha said as she started walking to her Dad.
    “Dad we have to buy this one," Samantha told her father as she opened up her hands and showed him the tiny chick lying inside. The little chick feebly lifted his head a little.
    The man behind the counter looked down at the chick Samantha was holding. “That one doesn’t look like it’s going to live much longer, darlin. Why don’t you pick out one of the other chicks?” he asked her gently.
    Samantha thrust her chin out stubbornly. “I want this one,” she said defiantly, “He’ll die without me." In her heart Samantha knew he would probably die with her too, but she also knew she had to try.
    Her Dad looked down at her. Then he looked up at the man behind the register and said, "We'll take the chick as well." Dad paid for the injured chicken, the chick feed, and some powder to put in the chickens' water. Samantha thought she heard him grumbling something about no more animals ever in his house. He grumbled that a lot.
    They all marched out of the store with Samantha cradling the chick as carefully as she could in her hands.
    When they got home and walked in the door, Dad announced, "We've got one more for the brood." Mom looked up at him then down at Samantha's hands and smiled.
    "Let me see here," Mom said as she gently took the chick from Samantha. The chick lifted her head and made a tiny peep sound. Mom set her down gently on the floor and though the chick tried to stand up, she immediately fell on her side again.
    "Samantha," Mom said solemnly, "We'll do what we can for it, but you need to know it's probably going to die." A tear rolled down Samantha's cheek. Sophie and Michelle crowded in, listening as well.
    Mom got a little wire cage and set it inside the bigger brooder box that had the other chicks in it. She lay newspaper on the bottom and put a little dish of water and a little dish of food as well. "Put the chick in here and she can see the other chickens. She'll also be safe from being stepped on by them." Mom said.
     
  2. ChickLover98

    ChickLover98 The Chicken Princess

    Apr 24, 2010
    Pennsylvania
    [​IMG] More? [​IMG]
     

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