Daughter's boyfriend is choking her...need advice please

Discussion in 'Family Life - Stories, Pictures & Updates' started by kristenm1975, Sep 20, 2010.

  1. kristenm1975

    kristenm1975 Chillin' With My Peeps

    Jul 23, 2008
    Seattle, WA
    My daughter is nearly 18 and has been in a monogamous relationship with the same guy for two years. We have gotten to know him slowly over the years and have found him to be a shy, quiet, seemingly sweet boy. She lives with her dad across the state so we are not privy to everything that goes on, but she and I have a close relationship, despite the miles, and I feel like I'm getting a pretty good sense of what goes in her life. Her dad is very protective and has never liked this boy. We got our first reason to not like him when she told us a while back that he wants to be a sniper in the army after high school. He also plays World of Warcraft extensively.

    So, with that background info, here's the current concern. She told me last night that before the homecoming dance, they got into an argument. They started playfully wrestling and it quickly turned into fighting for real. She's a tough cookie and has been trained in martial arts by her father since she was little, but he's bigger and heavier and had the advantage of surprise. He got her into a choke-hold and didn't let go when she "tapped out". She said she was afraid she was going to die. She doesn't think he had any intention to kill her, but is afraid that he doesn't know he could kill her that way without ever meaning to.

    She's excused his behavior by saying that they both started it and that he's going through a tough time right now with some serious family issues. She said they decided they would never do that again. But I'm having visions of her being choked to death by some sweet-faced boy who's going to spend the rest of his life in prison (if either of her two fathers don't kill him first).

    I told her of my concern that she could have died, that there's no excuse for hurting your loved one like that, and that often these first relationships can set a pattern for all future relationships. I asked her to not be ashamed to tell me if he didn't keep his promise, but that her safety is my number one concern. My husband has contacted her in a sensitive way, letting her know he's up for talking about it too, and that he'd like to talk to her boyfriend, in order to help him process out the natural anger that comes up for people, and keep his loved ones safe as well as avoid setting up patterns of violence in relationships for himself. We'll see if she responds.

    I'd like to hear from anyone who can give me some feedback on this. I want to know if I'm over-reacting to a normal part of a dating relationship, or my daughter is dating a future killer. That sounds dramatic, but I love my daughter more than I love life and I want her to grow up.

    Thank you for your advice.
  2. ruth

    ruth Life is a Journey

    Jul 8, 2007
    Woodville, MS
    I would call the police. I would press charges. Nuff said.
  3. sourland

    sourland Broody Magician Premium Member

    May 3, 2009
    New Jersey
    One time is one time too many! No, you are not overreacting.
  4. LovinMyPeeps

    LovinMyPeeps Sees Wine Dots

    Mar 22, 2009
    Heuvelton, NY
    Quote:Ok first, I've worked with abused women/mentally ill/ and forensic clients. When people demonstrate these aggressive-failure to yield behaviors it is often indicative of a controlling personality. I am not saying this is always the case but it usually starts small and often disintigrates into other forms or more serious abuse issues. If she really wants to be with this guy he needs counceling, NOW, before this gets anymore out of control. You should not and I repeat NOT alienate her, as she needs to know she can turn to you if she stays with him and things get worse. Please reiterate to her that love means NOT hurting people you claim that you love. People rarely change even with counceling especially if they do not perceive themselves as having a "problem".

    PS: I play World of Warcraft. Have for years and never choked anyone in my life. Don't believe everything you read or see on TV there are not significant studies that actually prove Warcraft or other first shooters lead to violent behaviors. If a person that plays those games is violent, then it is inherent in their personalities due to nature/nurture not pixels on a screen.
  5. theoldchick

    theoldchick The Chicken Whisperer

    May 11, 2010
    When I was a teenager no boyfriend of mine would ever 'choke' me. Not even 'playfully'. What is wrong with young folks instinct for preservation? This is not a good situation.
  6. chickensducks&agoose

    chickensducks&agoose Chillin' With My Peeps

    I have a friend, who, while laying in bed one night arguing with her husband, was surprised when he shoved a pillow over her face and started smothering her. she ended up biting and clawing him until he let her up, and he admitted that he shouldn't have done it, but claimed that he just wanted her to 'shut up'... the crazy thing (like that isn't crazy enough) is that the next day, he had a huge bruise/bite mark on his arm (from her trying to not die), and literally he couldn't figure out how it happened. he was like "wow, hon, I've got this crazy bruise on my arm, and it hurts like heck, and I don't know how I got it...' as far as I know it hasn't happened since, but still. i don't know what to tell you, other than the fact that I think it certainly signals the need for therapy. at least.
  7. bturbo87

    bturbo87 Chillin' With My Peeps

    Apr 22, 2010
    firstly with his brain wired like they he will never be an army sniper, the training is specifically designed to weed out people like that. I will personally admit to waking up from a dead sleep with my wife in a choke hold twice, after my second tour in iraq, which is what lead me to 8 months of therapy for PTSD.... unfortunaly, he cant use that excuse. all that being said, i vote SSS, and i know where we can shovel.
  8. justbugged

    justbugged Head of the Night Crew for WA State

    Jan 27, 2009
  9. HennyJenny

    HennyJenny Chillin' With My Peeps

    Dec 26, 2009
    Bennington, NE
    Call the police - right now. She's a minor. The power here is yours to make this right - not hers and certainly not her boyfriend.
  10. ruth

    ruth Life is a Journey

    Jul 8, 2007
    Woodville, MS
    Your daughter is a minor. Her well being should be your, and her father's, number one priority. You said her father never liked the guy - probably a good reason for that also.

    I don't care who started it, how, why, etc. etc. or the excuses she is now making. She stated she thought she was going to die. Call the police, press charges and let his parents, their lawyer, and the judge decide how much counseling the man needs and whether or not he chooses to get it.

BackYard Chickens is proudly sponsored by