My daughter is nearly 18 and has been in a monogamous relationship with the same guy for two years. We have gotten to know him slowly over the years and have found him to be a shy, quiet, seemingly sweet boy. She lives with her dad across the state so we are not privy to everything that goes on, but she and I have a close relationship, despite the miles, and I feel like I'm getting a pretty good sense of what goes in her life. Her dad is very protective and has never liked this boy. We got our first reason to not like him when she told us a while back that he wants to be a sniper in the army after high school. He also plays World of Warcraft extensively.
So, with that background info, here's the current concern. She told me last night that before the homecoming dance, they got into an argument. They started playfully wrestling and it quickly turned into fighting for real. She's a tough cookie and has been trained in martial arts by her father since she was little, but he's bigger and heavier and had the advantage of surprise. He got her into a choke-hold and didn't let go when she "tapped out". She said she was afraid she was going to die. She doesn't think he had any intention to kill her, but is afraid that he doesn't know he could kill her that way without ever meaning to.
She's excused his behavior by saying that they both started it and that he's going through a tough time right now with some serious family issues. She said they decided they would never do that again. But I'm having visions of her being choked to death by some sweet-faced boy who's going to spend the rest of his life in prison (if either of her two fathers don't kill him first).
I told her of my concern that she could have died, that there's no excuse for hurting your loved one like that, and that often these first relationships can set a pattern for all future relationships. I asked her to not be ashamed to tell me if he didn't keep his promise, but that her safety is my number one concern. My husband has contacted her in a sensitive way, letting her know he's up for talking about it too, and that he'd like to talk to her boyfriend, in order to help him process out the natural anger that comes up for people, and keep his loved ones safe as well as avoid setting up patterns of violence in relationships for himself. We'll see if she responds.
I'd like to hear from anyone who can give me some feedback on this. I want to know if I'm over-reacting to a normal part of a dating relationship, or my daughter is dating a future killer. That sounds dramatic, but I love my daughter more than I love life and I want her to grow up.
Thank you for your advice.
So, with that background info, here's the current concern. She told me last night that before the homecoming dance, they got into an argument. They started playfully wrestling and it quickly turned into fighting for real. She's a tough cookie and has been trained in martial arts by her father since she was little, but he's bigger and heavier and had the advantage of surprise. He got her into a choke-hold and didn't let go when she "tapped out". She said she was afraid she was going to die. She doesn't think he had any intention to kill her, but is afraid that he doesn't know he could kill her that way without ever meaning to.
She's excused his behavior by saying that they both started it and that he's going through a tough time right now with some serious family issues. She said they decided they would never do that again. But I'm having visions of her being choked to death by some sweet-faced boy who's going to spend the rest of his life in prison (if either of her two fathers don't kill him first).
I told her of my concern that she could have died, that there's no excuse for hurting your loved one like that, and that often these first relationships can set a pattern for all future relationships. I asked her to not be ashamed to tell me if he didn't keep his promise, but that her safety is my number one concern. My husband has contacted her in a sensitive way, letting her know he's up for talking about it too, and that he'd like to talk to her boyfriend, in order to help him process out the natural anger that comes up for people, and keep his loved ones safe as well as avoid setting up patterns of violence in relationships for himself. We'll see if she responds.
I'd like to hear from anyone who can give me some feedback on this. I want to know if I'm over-reacting to a normal part of a dating relationship, or my daughter is dating a future killer. That sounds dramatic, but I love my daughter more than I love life and I want her to grow up.
Thank you for your advice.
