dealing with so many things but this is just icing on the cake!

Discussion in 'Family Life - Stories, Pictures & Updates' started by shadowpaints, May 30, 2010.

  1. shadowpaints

    shadowpaints Chillin' With My Peeps

    Jun 20, 2009
    Rigby, Idaho
    i have long suffered from Depression, anxiety and OCD, i am trying to deal with all of this on my own since hubby is a truck driver and not hardly around.

    I used to rely on my family (dad and step mom) to see me through my rough days, i thought that they wanted to be there for me . over the last 6 years contact with them started slowing down, not because i wasnt calling them ( i was) but they quit answering their phone when i call, and they never call me back! all i get is a lousy text.

    Christmas 2009, i was informed that the family christmas dinner/party was canceled. ok fine i delt with it. a week later my aunt calls me and asks me why i didnt go to the christmas party . come to find out from my dad, that it was supposedly 'canceled' but aparently everyone showed up but me . ok what ever.

    in January we always have had a sledding party at my grampas house. the date is different every year. the last 2 years i wasnt informed of the date till a week before, and thats not enough time to get hubbys company to let him come home, and i will not drive 200 miles on icy roads on my own. so, i dont go


    my birthday, no one not even my dad calls. oh wait ok he calls at 11pm and since im in BED i didnt answer the phone. he leaves a snooty message about me not wanting to talk to him

    mothers day a BIG dinner with all my family from all around, i dont hear about it till the week after their excuse was that they thought i would be busy

    then you have today. another big family dinner, 50 miles away, i got a text last nite around 6pm that there is a family dinner and i am to bring chips and a dessert. and they wanted to know if i was coming.

    i told them no. they got their way, im about done even attempting to go. i feel like i am not wanted at the family functions. and when i am able to 'drop everything' and go to these things my daughters go off and play with their aunts ( which is fine) and evey one seems to ignore me.ill try to sit and talk and everyone pretty much comes up with a excuse why they cant sit and chat.

    ok do i stink or something?? am i that hideous?? come on! this is the family that i was raised with. all i want is to catch up on things and visit.

    the only reasons i can think of that they wouldnt want me around all of a sudden, is

    i am not religious and they are. i cant spend hours talking about god, it bores me.
    im the black sheep of the family. i drink, i smoke , i swear mind you i am totally respectful and do none of those three things when i am any where near them. i also have tattos. but they dont know about those.

    i realize im not prefect and that i didnt *turn out* like the other 6 kids did but sheesh.

    oh and every time i ask why im not informed about family functions, dad replies with ' oh sorry i forgot you' oh wow that makes me feel great

    sorry about griping and i dont really expect anyone to reply. but since none of my friends are answering their phones, i needed to type or say this! so it wasnt in my head... GAHHHHHHH

    ok im done now....
    thanks
     
  2. HeatherLynn

    HeatherLynn Chillin' With My Peeps

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    May 11, 2009
    Kentucky, Cecilia
    Sometimes family sucks but that doesn't mean you can't have one. Sometimes in life you get a chance to pick your "family." My kids have aunts and uncles that are no relation but have shown so much interest and have been good friends so they have sorta been adopted by us. As for the family stuff be proactive in asking, if you still have no luck then don't drop what your doing and go. Call 2 weeks before mothers day, if you get no information on family event for that day then plan something and go.
     
  3. chickeypoo

    chickeypoo The Enabler

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    Family can suck. and i gotta tell you.. i feel for ya. when i get back from my shopping trip ill write my story as well. many hugs and you could always come to my house [​IMG] no invitations needed. now.. the trip would be a killer though [​IMG] i hope it gets better.
    Sue
     
  4. Cindiloohoo

    Cindiloohoo Quiet as a Church Mouse

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    That's not very Christian to just dump you like that. As far as having a religious family and you aren't...so what...I still love my family that aren't Christians, and there are a million more things to talk about as far as a conversation subject. Maybe that isn't it? Maybe they don't know how to act around you because you are different? Maybe you make them uncomfortable? I'd be asking those questions to my dad and get to the bottom of it. Sorry you feel that way, and I hope you guys can iron things out. Family is an important resource to have close by. [​IMG]
     
  5. Sonoran Silkies

    Sonoran Silkies Flock Mistress

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    Jan 4, 2009
    Tempe, Arizona
    I will throw out some things for you to consider. No right or wrong answers, just maybe they will help you self-evaluate what is going on. Do you reciprocate in entertaining them? Do your kids behave well when at the relatives? Are you and your family members personalities significantly different? Have you made any significant lifestyle choices that they dislike? Does your depression or anxiety flavour the conversation or impact the event?

    I am wondering if your anxiety may be building things up to larger than they are? Perhaps you need to start speaking to different relations, not just using your dad & stepmom as the information source. Late next December call granddad up and ask when he's planning the sledding party for, and what can you bring? If he's not sure of the date, tell him that you need enough notice so that DH can get off work.

    As for the Christmas party, that one I cannot explain away. Did your dad host it? If so, didn't he call everyone to cancel? If it was someone else who hosted, then why did your dad appparently "just show up" too?

    Once you've gone through a self-evaluation, I think you need to sit down with your dad and stepmom face to face and ask what is going on. Let them know that you are hurt by their apparent rejection.
     
  6. shadowpaints

    shadowpaints Chillin' With My Peeps

    Jun 20, 2009
    Rigby, Idaho
    Quote:i will try my best to answer...


    I do try to entertain them.. with stories and pictures... but they seem as though they are in smile and nod mode. my girls are usually the lfe of the party. they brighten every ones day usually. I am the only one in 6 siblings, and 78 some odd cousins that have animals. thats the only lifestyle change i can think of. i try very hard not to let my depression and anxiety get in the way ... although ill admit its hard not to when no one seems to care..
    it is very possible i could be making this bigger than it really is. but i cant help but feel left out.. and then it just builds and then i have a break down, like today, im alone ( kids are at their aunts) and it hits me.

    its hard to sit and 'chat' with my dad, he is so critical of everything i do. any more it seems like i should just quit trying! i end up in a worse mood after i talk to him. he seems to think i am doing it all wrong.

    i have called to talk to them several times but they havent answered the phone for me in weeks.. GAH i just want my family to understand that i need them.
    ok i have to go outside and do some stuff ill be back later on..
     
  7. Me & My Peeps

    Me & My Peeps Chillin' With My Peeps

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    Apr 26, 2010
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    Ill offer this ONLY because your asking! The ONLY person you answer to - is YOU! Dont waste time and energy trying to figure out "why" their like that. You'll piss away many years and it will consume you, trying to get them to accept you. Live your life for you.

    I will leave the stories out of it and "why" but, I left home when I was 16. I never went back and I never had to get bailed out of jail. I stayed with a friend for a month and I found an apartment that I could afford in a not-so-nice side of town. The landlady was elderly and she let me work off part of the rent with chores and lawn care. She kinda took me under her wing and got me going again. Made me meals a few times a week, helped me find work, encouraged me to get my GED and showed me how to move forward in life. She never asked me why I was on my own so young, but im sure she knew.

    I came home one day to her son on the front porch. He said " she died today, you have 30 days to find another place. Im selling the house and I have a buyer". I was devastated and was a complete wreck for about a week. I was mad, angry, felt betrayed, lost but most of all, I was sad that I never had a chance to say goodbye and thank her for everything. I reflected on some things that she had taught me and that helped me to move forward. That woman was more of a positive influence in my life then my maternal parents. I still think of her to this day.

    Fast forward to now, I still dont have a good relationship with my parents and I have given up trying. Despite growing up without a criminal record, never been hooked on drugs, served in the military, Aux Police officer and am a productive member of society with a marriage of 15 years and 2 kids, I just cant seem to make them happy. To this day, neither one will acknowledge that I turned out ok and that their proud of me. I do though hear about my sister all the time and what a "wonderful" person she is. I made that emotional disconnect years ago. I focus on being here for my kids and getting them ready for life. I have a wonderful wife that I love dearly and 2 great kids. Despite how you got started in this life, it's up to YOU to make something of it.

    So I revealed all that, to say this; There are some people that you just cant make happy. No matter what you do or try, they have issues soo deep that they simply CANNOT allow themselves to be happy with/for you - because that points to their own deficiencies and issues. Until THEY take ownership of THEIR problems, you are powerless to change that and you would do well to just let go and move on. Trust me when I tell you, if you let it - it WILL eat you alive. Find a balance, a "limit" of what your willing to tolerate from them for behavior and then simply leave at that point. Dont ever, ever let them talk down to you or talk negative about you to your kids (if you have any) No arguing, no scene, just let them know that you've reached your saturation point and you cannot allow yourself to be dragged down. Make it quick and decisive. It will take some time but you will see the tide slowly changing and you will eventually be in control of them and more importantly - yourself.

    Pm me if you'd like, maybe I can help more, maybe not. Remember, we ALL have issues and we ALL have family thats a bit whacked. It's how you CHOOSE to deal with it - or become a victim to it, that defines who you are. "Happiness" is subjective. It's also MADE and not "found".

    Hey! I should be charging for this advice! Send me some chickens [​IMG]
     
  8. Sonoran Silkies

    Sonoran Silkies Flock Mistress

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    Jan 4, 2009
    Tempe, Arizona
    Quote:i will try my best to answer...


    I do try to entertain them.. with stories and pictures... but they seem as though they are in smile and nod mode. my girls are usually the lfe of the party. they brighten every ones day usually. I am the only one in 6 siblings, and 78 some odd cousins that have animals. thats the only lifestyle change i can think of. i try very hard not to let my depression and anxiety get in the way ... although ill admit its hard not to when no one seems to care..
    it is very possible i could be making this bigger than it really is. but i cant help but feel left out.. and then it just builds and then i have a break down, like today, im alone ( kids are at their aunts) and it hits me.

    its hard to sit and 'chat' with my dad, he is so critical of everything i do. any more it seems like i should just quit trying! i end up in a worse mood after i talk to him. he seems to think i am doing it all wrong.

    i have called to talk to them several times but they havent answered the phone for me in weeks.. GAH i just want my family to understand that i need them.
    ok i have to go outside and do some stuff ill be back later on..

    Okay, some thoughts, rather than entertaining them with stories and pictures, turn on the questioning mode: "So Dad, what have you been up to lately?" Ask about any hobbies or his work or where they are going for vacation. Same with your stepmom. Ask your kids to tone it down--perhaps they are grabbing too much attention. No one should be the standout at a party unless it is in their honor--everyone should blend in together so that everyone feels equally special.

    Plan ahead for when/if Dad starts to be critical; have some ready-made phrased prepared. "Dad, this is what works for us." "I'm sorry you feel that way." "Well, that is what works for us." "I'll think about/consider it." "Thank you for caring, but that doesn't work for me." Then change the subject. You can always say, "Dad, I don't want to argue or be lectured; let's agree that we see things differently, and talk about something that will make us both feel good, not something that will upset either you or me."

    I would not talk about your animals if that leads to disapproval--don't bring them up, and if someone else does, keep it brief and then move on to something else.
     
  9. schellie69

    schellie69 Chillin' With My Peeps

    Oct 8, 2009
    Kansas
    I understand about family I am the same way get last minute calls for family fun or am left out of important information but I have accepted it as just the way it is, I also have chronic depression and other health issues that my mom can not understand or won't understand so I just let it go, I have my life and I love it, and that's what I tell my family I go to family get togeather's and usually just sit with some of the other "black sheep" be happy with your self and love your self and go from there if you ever need to talk please PM me I would be happy to listen. I have PDSS so I can understand about the anxiety please let me know,. if your family won't be there I will try and be there to help if I can.
     
  10. Sonoran Silkies

    Sonoran Silkies Flock Mistress

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    Jan 4, 2009
    Tempe, Arizona
    Let me throw in this thought about last minute planning. If the last minute planning is because the people doing it are spontaneous folks who simply do not make firm plans ahead of time, take their last minute planning as simply the way they operate. On the other hand, if the last minute planning is only the invitation to you, and everything else is planned well ahead of time, that says something entirely different.

    I am very much a last minute planner. I may have very general plans long ahead of time, but turning the idea into real working plans usually doesn't happen until the last minute. And that drives my brother nuts. If I say that I am going to visit our folks for Christmas, he wants to know exactly when I plan to arrive and exactly how long I plan to stay months ahead of time. I usually have a pretty firm plan about a week ahead of time; maybe two if we fly.
     

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