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Did I just screw up?? (very long)

Discussion in 'Family Life - Stories, Pictures & Updates' started by shelleyd2008, Oct 25, 2009.

  1. shelleyd2008

    shelleyd2008 the bird is the word

    Sep 14, 2008
    Adair Co., KY
    Okay, first off, a bit of background. Please don't judge me for this, that's not what I'm looking for [​IMG]

    13 years ago, I gave birth to a beautiful little boy named Jonathan. I also had another beautiful boy named Jesse, who was almost 2 at the time. Unfortunately I was married to the most hateful, cruel person on the face of the planet. When my beautiful Jonathan was only a month old, my husband kicked me and both the kids out so his girlfriend and her kid could move in. I was devastated. [​IMG]
    I had always suffered from depression, and this threw me over the edge. I'm sure having just had a baby didn't help me any. My ex was an abuser, which also didn't help any. I had very, very low self-esteem, and coupled with the depression (which then escalated to post-partum psychosis), I had a very difficult time coping. I moved around a lot, was always tired, slept way too much.
    When my boys were about 1 1/2 and 3 1/2, they figured out how to get outside. I was often awakened by police or neighbors knocking on my door telling me that my kids were playing outside in their pajamas or diaper, they were next door at the armory, things like that. After it got so bad that the state was threatening to take away my kids, I decided to move out of state.
    Things were better for a while, but it started right back up again. After just 6 months I moved back to my home state. My kids and I lived with my mom for a while, until she kicked us out. The kids and I stayed with various friends for about a month, till one night we slept in our car in a friend's driveway. The friend was sleeping when we got there, otherwise we would have been able to go in. My friend was an adult, but she lived in the basement of her parents' house. The next morning, her parents called the police.
    Luckily, the DFC didn't take my kids, but they did help me to get an apartment. That went okay for a little while, but I was still struggling with my ever-worsening depression.
    Then my mom got sick....cancer....it was all I could do to cope with it. I finally realized I could no longer deal with it all on my own, and went to the local mental health clinic.
    There I was diagnosed with depression (of course), paranoia, and anxiety. Apparently they decided the paranoia was the worst of the 3, and put me on an anti-psychotic medicine. I don't even remember now what it was called, I'm thinking it was Zyprexa??
    About this same time, my oldest son Jesse was almost 6, and had just started kindergarten. The medicine that I was put on by my doctor made me so out of it, on everything. I was more or less a zombie. I would sleep 16-20 hours a day, and I wasn't 'with it' when I was awake. The first 4 weeks of school, Jesse missed either 10 or 12 days, and I was either late getting him to school or late picking him up for the majority of the rest of the days. Of course, DFC was called in again. This time they gave me 2 weeks to try and find someone in my family to take my children, or they would have to take them from me. That never happened [​IMG]

    On September 29, 2000, the day before Jonathan's 4th birthday, the DFC took my kids away. [​IMG]

    I don't even know if you can imagine how that felt. I couldn't function, if it weren't for a friend that lived by me coming over and making sure I ate, showered, and things of that nature, I might not even be here today.

    The first time I was able to see my children after they were taken was November 9, 2000, the day after my son Jesse's birthday.

    February 12, 2001, my mom lost her battle with cancer. That hit me hard. I was once again dumped into a very deep depression, of which it took me years to recover. I lost couldn't keep a job, home, car, anything like that, all things I needed to do in order to get my kids back.

    August of 2001 was the last time I ever saw my kids. The state I lived in had a law that if the children were in state custody for more than a year, they would petition to revoke parental rights. I knew I couldn't care for my kids, I couldn't even care for myself! So rather than having my rights terminated, I gave up my kids. I wish I hadn't, I've regretted that every day since [​IMG] They had been in foster homes for almost a year. In my messed up mind, I thought it was better for them. At the time it probably was; their 'parents' were successful couples, and I knew they could take good care of them. The boys weren't together unfortunately, but they are supposed to see each other at least once a week. I don't know if that happens, I don't hear anything about them.

    Okay, so here's the part where I'm not sure if what I've done was a good idea. My oldest son Jesse is almost 15. I found him on facebook......tonight.

    I was so freaking nervous, to have actually found him after all these years!! Of course I sent a friend request, but now I'm not sure if I should have? If they want to see me, they can obviously do what they want after they turn 18. That's not for another 3 years for him.

    So now I'm wondering if it was a good idea to let him know I found him? I mean, if his parents check his accounts (as any responsible parent should), would he get in trouble, or would they move? I'm pretty sure he wanted to be found, he was adopted by his foster parents, and so took on their last name. But the name he has on his facebook account is his father's name, basically his complete full name...first, middle, birthname, and adopted name. I doubt this is what he goes by, but I have no way of knowing.

    So did I mess up by sending a friend request to my oldest son?? Please say I didn't, but I'm regretting it! I really want to contact him, but not at the risk of 'losing' him again! [​IMG]

    edit because I had dates messed up, and it was bugging me...
    Last edited: Oct 26, 2009

  2. CityGirlintheCountry

    CityGirlintheCountry Green Eggs and Hamlet

    Jul 7, 2007
    Middle TN
    I don't know, but [​IMG] to you. This is such a hard thing.
    You need another [​IMG]
  3. lurky

    lurky Songster

    Jun 4, 2007
    Western MA
    I dont know if it was the 'right' thing, but i would have done the same thing [​IMG]
    I hope you get a response and i hope your right about him setting it up to be found [​IMG]
  4. baldie

    baldie Songster

    Sep 25, 2008
    Douglas, MA
    I dont know either....but you cant get rid of a friend request, I dont think anyway. So I guess you will have to sleep on it and hope for the best. I know if it was me, I probably would have done the same and then pondered on it afterwards. Its maternal instinct to want to talk to or see your kids. No matter how long it has been. I doubt that he would get in trouble. You found him. I hope all goes well. I will keep my fingers crossed for you. [​IMG]
  5. Elite Silkies

    Elite Silkies Crowing

    Jun 17, 2009
    My Coop
    I know the depression your talking about first hand. It took me almost 2 years to beat it, and it was the hardest time of my life.

    My heart is breaking for you right now, I am in tears literally. I just couldn't imagine the pain that you went through. The depression is bad enough. Luckily, I had my mom.

    I would have done it, in a heart beat. I think every child wants to know their parents, and he has probably had a big part of his life missing that only you can fill.

    Know that he may hold some resentment at first, and allow him time to cope with it, and he will come to you. He loves you.

    Well, I am going to have to cut this one short, before I wake everyone in the house [​IMG]

    Be strong [​IMG]
  6. redhen

    redhen Kiss My Grits... Premium Member

    May 19, 2008
    Western MA
    Ooh Shelley, Thats such a hard thing for you all to go through. I'm so sorry. [​IMG]

    About contacting him...i dont know..thats hard to say from a foster parents point of view...
    I think i would have contacted him also though. How could you not?? [​IMG]

    My foster sons parents lost their rights also many years ago..but the state has (just this past year) let him get in contact with them again...they had been bringing him presents to the DCF office every christmas and birthday for all those years....when he got in touch with them the state gave him all those gifts from all those years...... [​IMG]
    So, anyways..its going okay now...he just had a supervised visit with them last week actually. And he calls them every week from here on speaker phone also.
    So..what i'm tryin g to say is...dont give up hope...they do sometimes let the birth parents back in contact again before the child is 18... Can you contact the state office that removed him? ask to speak to his state worker..ask if something can be worked out.. That would be a safer route to go..
    Good luck..sorry this happend to you. [​IMG]
    Last edited: Oct 25, 2009
  7. lurky

    lurky Songster

    Jun 4, 2007
    Western MA
    Quote:I think you actually CAN delete a request........ but i wouldn't [​IMG]

  8. BorderKelpie

    BorderKelpie Songster

    Mar 1, 2009
    outside Dallas
    [​IMG] Actually, I think it might be a good thing. He needs to hear honestly from you regarding the situation. As young as he was when it all happened, he is probably confused. I was adopted. My sister is my adoptive parents' natural child. She was as hateful as you can expect a child to be. She told me that I was adopted strictly because my mom always took in the unwanted, unloveable strays. I grew up assuming that there was something so very wrong with me that my biological mother couldn't stand me and gave me away. I understand things now, but what a horrible childhood I (gave myself) had because of the things I heard and truely believed. I still have self esteem issues. I am not saying your son is going through any of that, but if my biological mom could have contacted me and let me know what her situation was, if I had gone to my adoptive parents and told them what was going on,.....all these what-ifs.
    My point is, if there is any way to maybe contact his new family and get permission to explain to him that what you did, you did out of the most painful and unselfish love of all. You gave him a better life, one you were unable to give him. You made a sacrifice to save him and his brother. He may resent you at first, but kids are resiliant and smart. He is in the awkard, self-conscious teen years, he needs all the esteem boosting, affirmations of love, encouragement and understanding he can get. And, you deserve some confirmation that he/they are ok. You also need to forgive yourself. You were not at fault. You did what you could and had to do.
    I wish you all the best.

  9. lengel

    lengel Songster

    Apr 30, 2008
    Facebook is a very public space. It's not as if you invaded his privacy. He has the choice of responding or not. I would recommend that you give him as much contact information as possible so that he can follow up later if he chooses not to do so now.

    I did something similar when I found out someone in my life was dying and wanted her relatives to know. They did not respond. That was their choice but I felt that I needed to do it. Even if your son does not respond now, he should be able to do so in the future.
    Last edited: Oct 26, 2009
  10. redhen

    redhen Kiss My Grits... Premium Member

    May 19, 2008
    Western MA
    I agree Shelley, i hope you know that you're not a fault here? That you did the best thing for them at the time. [​IMG]
    I really suggest not contacting him with out adoptive parental permission though..Only because you never know whats going on his in life right now.... Its just the safer thing to do for your son. Because this is something so very emotional...for both of you..[​IMG]
    I can tell you that i pushed the state to allow my foster son to be allowed contact with his bio parents (because he wanted it so badly all his life..he missed them so much.)..and it really has done him good. I hope your sons adoptive parents would do the same if he wants contact..(which i just BET that he does...) [​IMG]
    Last edited: Oct 26, 2009

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