Divorce in NJ question

Discussion in 'Family Life - Stories, Pictures & Updates' started by thewarriorchild, Apr 17, 2009.

  1. thewarriorchild

    thewarriorchild Chillin' With My Peeps

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    Mar 29, 2008
    Ringwood area, NJ
    I have a friend in a awful position. I have not been closely involved in divorce proceeding with kids and my own divorce was like 15 plus years ago.



    The guy in the situation is being "cheated" on. He has two wonderful children. He is heartbroken. They were together when she was 16 and now he is 40. The kids are like 14 and 16. One boy one girl



    The wife in this situation has taken to helping a guy, divorced, two kids one younger and one teen girl. I am not sure who lives with him but the boy must because the wife watched the little boy of this man. That is how they met. The man is a drunk and just got his license taken away for it. She is taking him where he needs to go. Spending time there watching movies, and even left her daughter at home the other night while taking him food shopping. In my opinion they guy should starve or get a cab.



    Some counseling was done but there is something about the 3rd visit that scares most away. The guy has done what he can, the wife not so much. The guy is going to church and staying plugged in the wife, she has to work.

    This is the issue.

    I am afraid for the kids. If this drunk has access to the house after the guy leaves his home then what will he do to the kids? Touch the daughter, beat up the son? Drive the kids drunk?? I think it is really dangerous.

    The whole problem is that the Man doesn't want to fight and just wants to leave.

    My concerns are he will have nothing, his kids will be in danger, he will end up paying obscene amounts of child support/alimony (this is NJ) and while he is crippled with hurt now he will regret the decision to go without much of a fight. I also do not know what the consequences of him leaving before the divorce are. I do not know what you do if the lawyer is going to cost you to much? At this point I would paint the lawyers home to help pay for the help he needs. I do not know what to say to him to make him fight, he worked so hard all these years to provide a beautiful home and lots of nice things for his family. I think she should leave the house and let him stay with the kids. She is obviously finding the drunk more important.



    Help!!
     
  2. turney31

    turney31 Chillin' With My Peeps

    Sep 14, 2008
    palestine texas
    I don't know about the State he is in, but in Texas his children are old enough to choose who they want to live with. While my personal belief is that is a horrible position to put children in, it will probably be where a judge puts a lot of consideration. I agree that these children will probably be better off with dad . I think he should sit them down and voice his concerns with them about their safety with this guy. He might be surprised at their reaction. I don't think he should leave the house without the children. If she is determined to be with this man she will eventually leave. One person can't fix a marriage. In worst case scenerio if he is forced to move without the children, He should be hypervigilant and document starting now! Micah [​IMG]
     
  3. AHappychick

    AHappychick Wanna-be Farmer

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    Dec 16, 2008
    westchester
    I would think that the kids would be allowed to go where they want at their age, and would not worry about the drunk touching them hopefully they are old enough to keep that from happening or know someone they could go to if the drunk ever tried.

    the father is probably emotionally drained and thats why he wants out and is not really fighting.

    what a lousy situation... Maybe you can talk to his kids and see what is going on behind closed doors?
     
  4. thewarriorchild

    thewarriorchild Chillin' With My Peeps

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    Ringwood area, NJ
    "and would not worry about the drunk touching them hopefully they are old enough to keep that from happening or know someone they could go to if the drunk ever tried"

    Adults get raped/beat up I would not count on this.
    I do not want them to be put in the middle any more than they already have been.

    The wife went to the drunks house because he was passed out and could not take care of the kids.
     
  5. turney31

    turney31 Chillin' With My Peeps

    Sep 14, 2008
    palestine texas
    Has your friend ever thought of reporting (the drunk) to CPS? Why does he have custody of his kids? [​IMG]
     
  6. thewarriorchild

    thewarriorchild Chillin' With My Peeps

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    Quote:I wonder the same thing! I mentioned this to him... sometimes if you are going to do something it s best to not let everyone know what you are doing. I hope something happens , if I knew who the guy was...
     
  7. HennysMom

    HennysMom Keeper of the Tiara

    Quote:I wonder the same thing! I mentioned this to him... sometimes if you are going to do something it s best to not let everyone know what you are doing. I hope something happens , if I knew who the guy was...

    Remember there are 2 sides to every story. Are you assuming all of these things because the Husband of this woman has told you these things or are you going first hand information because you've seen it yourself? Heresay is just that.... heresay. You dont even know who this man is by your own admission....

    Children, I believe, at the age of 13 can legally chose who they want to live with in a divorce situation. At the ages of 14 and 16, I dont think they need a babysitter to be at home, they are pretty able to tend to themselves. Calling CPS on this man - again, do you know for a fact that he drinks with his children while driving? Abuses them? Does anything wrong with them? It is legal for an adult to drink in the US at the age of 21 - its not for us to judge if he drinks too much or loses his license over it - thats for the law to decide, and they have - they pulled it because of whatever reason they did. Sometimes people make mistakes - and they learn from them and right their wrongs. Maybe he will too, maybe this will be his "eye opening experience" - then again, maybe it wont - but its not up to you to decide that. Calling CPS "just because" is pretty brazen. Do you have children? Have you ever gone through a "just because" phone call with CPS? My DS ex did it to her because he was ticked as hell she wanted out and made up all types of false accusations - doesnt matter if they're true or not - CPS comes in and investigates fully. Even if not founded, you still go on record for 3 years "unofficially" unless someone else makes another claim against you (false or otherwise) then...it becomes official. That stays with you for years on end (here in VA it does anyway, I'm sure its that way in most states). Got a job interview? Guess what? That record gets pulled....especially for a gov't job and background checks. Think how you would feel. Spite goes a long way and revenge is not always the best dish to serve, trust me. My DS and her ex now are friends (after MANY years of hating one another) but... the damage it caused not only those kids but my sister, very heavy toll.

    Does that mean that you shouldnt call CPS if there is 100% PROOF? Nope... you should - no child should be abused, ever - thats another topic, and not one that applies here. You're going off of "what ifs" - and you can "what if" all day long. What if he learned his lesson with his license? What if he's trying to be a better father to his own kids? What if he's trying to turn his own life around? What if because he loved his children with all he had, the hardest decision he made was to give them to his ex-wife because he had a drinking problem, realized it and didnt want his kids around that? What if..what if.. what if...

    Now - what if you get involved in a friends separation/divorce issues and have to take sides? What if you give the wrong advice? What if that friend now becomes your albatross so to speak and starts to weigh you down, draining you physically and mentally? It happens, and then you have no way out ,you'll feel cornered and trapped to the point you become depressed?

    How about telling your friend the best advice you can give him is to seek the advice of a lawyer and counselor that is knowledgeable in these areas, but that you can offer your friendship if he'd like to go out just to "get away from it all?" and go out for coffee or something, and not discuss this personal issue, but to "escape" for a bit as I'm sure this is all consuming in his life 24/7 and his kids as well. Take them with you both once in a while, but adult time is precious. Being a great friend means sometimes doing the hardest things and not becoming involved in their personal issues.

    [​IMG] [​IMG] and more [​IMG] to you and prayers to your friend. He will get through it...
     
    Last edited: Apr 21, 2009
  8. turney31

    turney31 Chillin' With My Peeps

    Sep 14, 2008
    palestine texas
    Hi hennysmom, I understand your position, and respect your opinion. You are correct in saying there are two sides. To answer a couple of your questions, yes he is as an adult and is allowed to drink Its his choice. I drink socially, maybe 3 or 4 drinks a month. That said, you do not lose your liscence for one DUI. In my opinion he has made the irresponsible decision to put himself, maybe his children, and others on the road in danger. When I was a single Mom I did not drink even when I had a baby sitter because in the back of mind I always wanted to be absolutley positive that if there were a fire or other emergency there would be a responsible adult to handle it . Now when the kids were gone I let her rip! If he can"t drive how can he handle all the normal day to day activities with our children ie..sick child at school? Keep in mind I live in an area that has no public transportation, and one taxi. Yes I have 3 children .I have never had CPS called on my family. I have not as yet ever reported anyone to CPS, but being a registered Childcare provider I an bound by Tx. state law to report suspected abuse or neglect. I would rather know that CPS investingated and found no problems, than to hear that a child got hurt or died and I had done nothing to prevent it. Micah
     
  9. thewarriorchild

    thewarriorchild Chillin' With My Peeps

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    Mar 29, 2008
    Ringwood area, NJ
    Quote:hennymom, I know a lot about the situation. I learn more all the time... Proof is not hard to get. If I want it I could get it. I do have children and I would never do what this man does. I never get drunk because my family is my responsibility. He is messing with a married woman that doesnt sound like making his life better. He was to drunk to care for his kids and she had to go over. I agree with you Micah. He must have done alot to lose his license and hopefully he will not continue his drunkenness and drive one day. He has to get to the store somehow to get his booze and if a ride doesnt come quick enough....
     
  10. HennysMom

    HennysMom Keeper of the Tiara

    Quote:hennymom, I know a lot about the situation. I learn more all the time... Proof is not hard to get. If I want it I could get it. I do have children and I would never do what this man does. I never get drunk because my family is my responsibility. He is messing with a married woman that doesnt sound like making his life better. He was to drunk to care for his kids and she had to go over. I agree with you Micah. He must have done alot to lose his license and hopefully he will not continue his drunkenness and drive one day. He has to get to the store somehow to get his booze and if a ride doesnt come quick enough....

    Micah - I understand your position as well, but you're going off of your own life and experience, - and while I agree 100% that every child needs protecting if they are truely in danger, I do not agree that is the case in this situation from what the OP wrote - it is assumed and presented that way. The issue is "let's go after this guy - he wrecked my friends marriage - DIRT BAG! Lost his license, he drinks, lost his kids - SCUM." Yet there is no proof as to why he doesnt have his kids and quite honestly, its no ones business but his and his ex-wifes.

    Its like a witch hunt with no end in sight - and it takes 2 to have an affair and 2 to ruin a marriage well before the affair happens. Why is the guy the bad one? What about the wife? Everyone is quick to blame the "other man" or "other woman" (whatever the case may be for whatever circumstance) however again, it takes 2 to tango to begin with and obviously there were issues in the marriage to cause someone to look elsewhere. Its easy to cast a stone from the outside looking in - no one knows their spouse better than themselves. Your parents know you for who you are as their child - but your spouse knows you in a different light. See the point?

    Warriorchild - same thing. Why are you trying to dig up stuff on a man you dont know by your own admission above Quote: "I hope something happens , if I knew who the guy was..." ? I dont understand why you would want to do that? Again, you dont know the entire story - you only know what the upset Husband who is your friend is telling you, again, you say "I learn more all the time..." - or the Wife who is also your friend is telling you stuff - that implies someone is telling you the situation and is indeed, not fact. Unless you are there in person and see for yourself, witnessing word for word and action for action, then it is heresay.

    My questions and concerns stand - why is this man - whom you do not know, being drug out and through the dirt? Because he drinks? Because he doesnt have his children? And??? No - its because he is involved with your friends wife who is married, who CHOSE on her own behalf to get involved with this man for reasons only she knows. What about her leaving her own children? No one thinks of that right? Lets castrate the man left and right and upside down because of his DUI. The law did that already. Its not up to you. If you lead your life without drinking or the "Well I would NEVER do that with MY kids..." then great, thats wonderful - but not every parent is you and not every person will have standards as yours. Thats what makes us all individuals. If you personally see him drinking, then puts his kids in the car and drive... by all means, call the police as he is endangering his children as well as others. However - if you only hear that he's doing this or ASSUME he's going to do that.... then... it is just that, an assumption and leave it where it belongs, at rest. Fear feeds peoples minds to no avail and without thought. We have enough fear in this world on those principals to last us an eon.

    Divorce is never pretty and unless you've ever been through one with children, you'll never understand the revenge that two married scorned people will seek upon each other. yet they loved each other enough once to marry and have those kids....

    Wifey isnt innocent in all of this, Hubby isnt innocent in all of this - probably the ONLY person innocent in ANY of this IS the guy Wife is seeing. They obviously had issues way before any of this started in their marriage - and the more people get involved and butt in, the further things get fueled. Who knows - maybe this is just what the other needs to get BACK together to show each other what love truely is and how much they really DO love each other. With friends fanning the flames and adding fuel to the fire - that may never happen. And before you say "that wont happen, they'll never get back together.." Never say never sweetie [​IMG] God works in mysterious ways I can assure you.

    Let them deal with their issues - on their own. Be a friend... not a co-hort.

    Peace and [​IMG] to you both,
     
    Last edited: Apr 23, 2009

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