Dont know iif it really happened but funny all the same!!!

Discussion in 'Random Ramblings' started by jkcove08, Jan 24, 2008.

  1. jkcove08

    jkcove08 Chillin' With My Peeps

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    Apr 12, 2007
    Iowa
    I was sent this in an email. I am not going to look it up to see if it really happened or not. It is just to funny.
    > I PROMISE, YOU are going to laugh!!
    > This is hysterical.. .Read the WHOLE thing
    >
    > A guy who purchased his lovely wife a Pocket Taser Stun Gun for their
    > anniversary submitted this as a 'short' story for his alumni
    > newsletter.
    >
    > Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
    sparked my
    > interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for
    > a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I
    came
    > across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized taser. The effects of
    the
    > taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse
    affect on
    > your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY
    TOO
    > COOL!
    >
    > Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
    >
    > I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the
    button.
    > Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
    > button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the
    same
    > time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth
    between
    > the prongs.??
    >
    > AWESOME!!!?
    >
    > Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is
    on
    > the face of her microwave!
    >
    > Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
    it
    > couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?! !??

    > There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie
    looking
    > on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions
    > and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh &
    blood
    > moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a
    fraction
    > of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But,
    if I
    > was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a
    > mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am
    I
    > wrong???
    >
    > So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
    glasses
    > perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
    > and taser in another. The directions said
    that a
    > one-second burst would shock and
    > disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
    muscle
    > spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
    > reportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
    > water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
    > batteries.? ? All the while I'm looking at this little device
    measuring
    > about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really
    and
    > (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself,
    "no
    > possible way!"??
    >
    > What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
    best...I'm
    > sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
    > side as to say, "don't do it dumbass," reasoning that a
    one-
    > second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that
    > bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of
    it.
    > I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button and...HOLY
    > MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION! !! I'm pretty sure Hulk
    Hogan
    > ran in through the side door,
    > picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet,

    > over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in
    the
    > fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples
    on
    > fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my
    body
    > in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!
    >
    > The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard
    > before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it
    > again, stupid, do it again!" Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug"

    > yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there
    is no
    > such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself! You will not
    let
    > go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent
    > thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered

    > conservative. SON-OF-A-*%# ... That hurt like **% !!!
    > A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at

    > that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
    > surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the

    > mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps,
    right
    > thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had
    been
    > shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
    >
    > I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward
    for
    > their safe return!! P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly
    > threatens me with it!
     
  2. Wildsky

    Wildsky Wild Egg!

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    Oct 13, 2007
    California
    [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG]
     
  3. HenHappy

    HenHappy Chillin' With My Peeps

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    Feb 16, 2007
    on my way to you....
    Where can I get one!!!!
     
  4. SpottedCrow

    SpottedCrow Flock Goddess

    Please pass the Depends!
    That's way too funny!
     
  5. Wooden_Pony

    Wooden_Pony Chillin' With My Peeps

    [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG]

    Oh that was SO FUNNY!!!
     
  6. paganfish

    paganfish Chillin' With My Peeps

    Sep 15, 2007
    Fleming, Colorado
    [​IMG]
     
  7. slyfoxpeeps

    slyfoxpeeps Chillin' With My Peeps

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    Oct 11, 2007
    Lewisburg, WV
    OMG!!!! [​IMG] That is too funny!! Thanks for the belly buster! I just lost 5lbs.
    Sylvia
     
  8. Sherriekim

    Sherriekim Chillin' With My Peeps

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    Aug 20, 2007
    Southwest Idaho
    I'm still giggling to myself over this one. [​IMG] Love it, true or not, what a great funny!
     
  9. newchickowner

    newchickowner Chillin' With My Peeps

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    Aug 19, 2007
    Texas
    I was crying I was laughing so hard!! I had to read it out loud to my b/f and could barely do it!!! True or not, it was very well written. I'm sort of surprised that it didn't say anything about the cat being shocked because she was sitting in his lap!!! Whew!!! Good one!!!
     
  10. Crazy4Chicks

    Crazy4Chicks Chillin' With My Peeps

    Nov 20, 2007
    Glendale, AZ
    i am going to have to copy that one and send it to my mom LOL

    that was way to funny - makes you wonder if someone is really that dumb [​IMG] [​IMG]


    julie
     

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