Edit book pls?

Discussion in 'Random Ramblings' started by Nats Chickens, Jan 20, 2019.

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  1. Nats Chickens

    Nats Chickens Crowing

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    I have written a few chapters [so far] of a book aimed at 7 to 8 yr olds. I was wondering on peeps opinions of what to ad, what to chop, etc...I will post new chapters as I write them. it is based in a sort of magic world place, could peeps pls "Edit" it for me? I would really like to publish it! Here is how far I have gotten!

    Chapter 1

    Minta sighed as she looked out at the rain pattering down ferociously. It teamed down the gabled roof of Arcwilder and pooled in large pondish puddles near the door. Minta heard a faint rumble of thunder in the distance. Rebecca, the mouse, who at that instance was sweeping a rather small patch of the window room floor, looked up. It was seven. She put away her broom and apron, and crawled up onto the window seat next to Minta. It was a large seat, with room for two, possibly three. Plenty of room for a witch and a mouse together. They watched as the butterflowers in the yard whirled around, trying to find shelter from the sudden rain. It had been drizzling all day, and now all of a sudden it had started to really bucket down. Minta and Rebecca watched as Binxi, one of the pixie horses, fluttered around the yard chasing the butterflowers. An indignant faerie was chasing after her, waving her delicate shining wand menacingly. Minta also had a wand, but it was a witches’ wand, dark and weaving. Not at all delicate, as witches had a tendency to drop things.

    Minta lived in Arcwilder, short for Arcwilder House, which was on a large estate in the middle of the realm. Its’ main inhabitance had been witches, but they had slowly dwindled down a bit, and the house had been taken over mainly by Magic Mice, such as Rebecca. There were still plenty of witches, just not in Arcwilder, with its’ forty something rooms. It was a grand old place, and was well taken care of by mice and witches from the inside, and faeries on the outside.

    Minta sighed and stared at her sketchbook, trying to see in the dim light. she gave up, and, closing the book, swiveled around and got up, carefully minding she didn’t squash Rebecca. Making for the door, she reached out her hand for her wand, and half ran half stomped down the stair, placing her wand on the rack near the door.

    Rebecca hopped down from the window seat and ran to one of the many holes in Arcwilder’s walls. She polished her small glasses with a little piece of fleece rag, then straightened them on her pointy nose.

    Lily, who had finally caught up with Binxi, grabbed the reigns and led the offending mount to the stables. A lightning bolt suddenly clashed nearby. Lily jumped. Binxi reared and shook herself. “hmmf,” The horse grumbled. Lily led her to a stall. “In.” Was all she said. Binxi went in and made herself comfortable. She shook herself and tucked herself up under her colourful, butterfly like wings.

    Minta was cooking with Nina in the kitchen, it was soup, which is really very easy. All you had to do was say all the ingredients aloud while waving your wand. But still, somehow Minta messed it up. “Minta really, you should be more careful then that. What if you waved in the wrong direction?? I don’t want to be covered in duck soup. Lucky it was the poor floor and not me.” Nina grumbled as she went off find a towel. But it wasn’t clutziness that made Minta miss the bowl completely. “Look,” she said in a hoarse whisper. Nina, still grumbling a bit about the mess, looked. She went pale under her greenish skin. “But that isn’t possible!” She gasped.

    Gin, on the back of Minx Dragon was riding wildly in the storm. “For goodness sakes!” He raged, striking the dragon, which yelped. “That way! In that direction! Honestly.” The dragon grumbled to himself about mean masters who didn’t keep their hands to themselves, and that maybe poor innocent dragons should maybe perhaps accidently drop their horrible masters. But he kept these thoughts to himself. This was better then being chained in Hisbuild, the hall where Gin lived. Blanca, the other Minx Dragon, was still chained there. Gin took in turns which he used, often preferring Blanca for longer flies, as she was more diligent. “Down!” Roared Gin all of a sudden, and the Minx had no choice but to obey. He swooped low, over Arcwilder, and caught a glimpse of movement in one of the windows. Gin saw this too and his eyes gleamed. “Aha, there is someone or something there!” He growled. “Aim for the lawn.” The dragon swooped down with a graceful thud.

    Nina grabbed Minta and pulled her away from the window. “We gotta get outa here!” She hissed, sparks flying from her eyes. Sparks always flew from Nina’s eyes when she was distressed or angry. All witches had something. Minta’s ears poured out thick black smoke. At least lightning didn’t come out of her nose, she once thought the first time this happened.

    Nina tugged Minta up the stairs, but Minta pulled free, dashed back down to the kitchen and grabbed Rebecca, who was in the pantry, and had missed all the commotion. She snatched the wands off the stand by the door and dashed up the stairs where Nina was waiting with flames in her eyes. They dashed upstairs, Minta clutching Rebecca for dear life. Nina unbolted the door to the safe room, Cora was already there with at least twenty mice, the entire stable of Pixie horses, and the faeries. Binxi was shaking. “What is it?” she whispered. “shush,” Cora said quietly. Binxi snuggled Lily and Storm, another mount. Rebecca wiggled out of Minta’s grasp and danced off to the other mice. A small mouse-baby, let out a quiet sob before its’ mother shushed it. it was dead silent outside.

    Gin had broken into the kitchen via the large seated window. He stomped about a bit in the larder, but could not find a single thing. Then he spotted something, a flourily witch footprint. So someone was here, they were just hiding. Gin noisily banged up the stairs and stopped at the first door. It was unlocked. All the doors were, one after the other, Gin wrenched them open. After the eleventh disappointment he howled in rage, before stopping at the door number twelve. This door was locked. Gin rattled the handle, then banged the door, finally bashing it in. The room appeared empty.

    Minta stifled a small yelp as the door banged against her uncovered shin. Nina glared at her from behind a large crate, full too the brim with mice. Binxi and Storm twitched slightly behind the curtains. Cora and Lily held their breath from the ceiling. Gin glanced about the room fervishly. He turned over a table, crushing Minta’s leg slightly. She couldn’t help it…

    Chapter 2

    “Ow!” Minta’s hands flew to her mouth, but it was too late. Nina gasped and choked slightly on some carpet fluff. Gin grunted and turned to see a very bruised witchy leg. He grabbed the leg and yanked out the witch it belonged to.

    “Reveal yourselves!” He shouted, and started to twist Minta’s arm painfully behind her back. Cora quickly thought of a plan. What was the use of them all getting captured? Before anyone could do anything, she jumped from the ceiling. “Here I am!” She announced. “Please don’t hurt her!” Gin stopped twisting Minta’s arm to grab Cora. He dragged them both out to the waiting Dragon.

    Flame grumbled at the extra weight of the witches. Gin had tighed their hands and feet to Flame, so there would be no “tricky business”. Gin hopped in front and yelled, “Com’on Flame, ya!” To get the Minx Dragon to soar into the air. Minta looked down at Arcwilder, wondering what the others were doing. Cora hoped Minta would be sensible, but who knew?

    They landed outside the most miserable castle you had ever seen. Above the portcullis was an old mossy plark with the word “Hisbuild” embossed on it. there was a loud scrapy-screechy noise as an ogre pulled the chain that raised the portcullis. Flame walked stolidly into the main hall, where as soon as Gin was off his back with the witch girls, he was led away down a corridor by some goblins. Gin had tied the girls’ hands behind their backs, which he now tied around a post. He glared at Minta and Cora in turn, wondering what to do next. He spat on the ground near Minta’s feet, and glowered. Cora glanced at the peculiar pattern on the ceiling, wondering. “Well, guess there’s not much to do, ‘s there? You girls better come along, and no peeking at the strange sights.” He growled. He untied their hands and led them down the same hall Flame had vanished to with the goblins. Cora sneakily glanced around, but Minta kept her head down, watching the pattern on the floor. Something was scratching at the back of her head…

    Gin threw the girls into a crumbly, smelly room. “The Wizard will see to you.” Was all he said, and left the room.

    The remaining residents of Arcwilder were in despair. Rebecca and all the Magic Mice were sobbing, Lily was the glummest and greyest looking Faerie you ever saw in your life, Binxi and Storm and the other mounts were going crazy, and Nina was wailing and shrieking softly, if that is possible. After a bit Rebecca went over and stroked Nina’s head. Nina looked at her “I must do something.” She said. Rebecca made soothing noises while shushing the other mice behind Nina’s back. One by one they stopped crying. “What will you do?” The petite little mouse asked Nina kindly. Nina shook her head. “exactly,” She whispered. “What?”

    Minta slowly got up from her position on the floor, Cora did the same. “Well well well, new witches I see.” Crowed a very growly old voice from a corner. “Spiffy ones too, I dare say.” Minta hissed softly. “Who’s that?” Cora called out. An old, old gentleman walked into view. “Gumwart, at you service.” He said with a smile. Cora looked at him. “What are you going to do to us, Gumwart?” She asked suspiciously. Gumwart chuckled. “A great many many things, my dear. But the first, is to suit you up for this place.” Gumwart revealed an old cracked wand, with what looked like mold growing on it. Minta wrinkled her nose in disgust. Gumwart waved his wand and tapped it against his hand a few times. The wand came alive and shone like a sunset but more golden and concentrated. Gumwart waved the wand. “Abrika boo!” He yelled. “Dabrika doo!” Minta began to tingle. As did Cora. Their clothes, muddy, torn and disgusting, changed completely to drab, thick robes. Gumwart the wizard chuckled. “You will find these comfortable and serviceable. But not,” He added, “Not pretty or nice.” He turned and marched back to the corner he had appeared from and sat down. Minta followed him. “But where are we? Who are you? Who was that great big ugly fellow? What is all this?” Gumwart sat back and closed his eyes. “A story,” He began. “A long, long story, and I don’t have time for stories. You will be expected to do your duty. I must go now, but to summon me, just knock.” Then the wizard disappeared.

    The witch girls looked at each other, “What was that?” Minta whispered to Cora. Cora looked at her with wide eyes, “As if I’m supposed to know!” She scoffed. “We are stuck here, in this place, and I am supposed to know what I going on!” Minta blushed. Cora shook her now heavy robes. “Let’s get out of here,” She said, making for the door. Minta followed her tensely. Cora boldly pulled the door handle. To both of their surprises, it pulled open easily. Cora stepped cautiously into the hall, with Minta anxiously peering over her shoulder.

    Rebecca was stalking the room, with Nina watching her from the window seat. “The way to fix this,” The mouse finally decided, “Is with a spell.” Nina scoffed. “That’s the best you could come up with in an hour? What else? What sort of spell?” Rebecca glared at her. “I have not quite decided on that point.” She sniffed. Binxi was chewing her tail in a corner. Storm nickered softly as Lily stroked her soft, blue-with-pink back. Rebecca took off her specs and frowned at them. “I disguising spell, a good one.” She said after six-and-a-half minutes of glaring at her glasses. Nina opened her mouth, “What about Minx Dragons?” Rebecca frowned. “Yes, that could work, we do, after all, see on occasion, a flock of Minxes fly over the realm, don’t we?” She thought a bit. “Yes, it is a very good idea Nina.” Nina grinned. “But,” Rebecca furrowed her brow again. “Do you know of such a spell that would work? That would do that?” It was now Nina’s turn to think, hard. “Yes.” She said, “But it is a little risky.” Rebecca eyed her meaningfully. “How much is a little?” Nina gulped. “Risky enough that if I don’t get it right, we are stuck bloomin’ Minxes.” Rebecca nodded. “Good.”

    Cora glanced around the hall, before taking a step. As she did, a loud shout rang from the end of the passage, and a shape galumphed towards them. Minta closed her eyes tight shut and braced herself. Cora shielded her face, and waited.

    Chapter 3

    Minta gasped shallowly as the creature stopped centimeters from her face. Cora slowly opened one eye, then shuddered and opened the other. “What,” She said, “Are you?!” The creature bowed politely and unexpectedly. “I,” he said, “Am Zlyde, a troll, ma’am. And you?” Minta couldn’t help grin at his posh accent and noble attitude. “Why are you here, Zlyde?” She asked. “I am gardian of the magic hold.” Zlyde replied. “Anything, Minx Dragons, Wands, and any prisoner with just a hint of magic,” He eyed the two witch girls. “Is kept here, locked up and safe. The Wizard, Gumwart, takes care of all the knick-knacks that end up here.” Cora nodded, it made a bit more sense now. Minta glanced at Zlyde’s face, it was ugly, that was undeniable, but yet, with the smile and the look of knowing and wisdom behind the eyes, it was one of the kindest faces she personally had ever seen.

    Nina stood out in the yard with Binxi, Storm and Lily, ready to perform the spell. Rebecca was to stay behind and in charge, because really, it would be a very silly thing to turn everybody capable of doing something into a Minx Dragon. Minx Dragons had terrible tempers, and were reckless, so Rebecca was to stay and organize a strong hold, with enough supplies for everyone to live in it for at least a month, as it was best to be prepared, even though they only thought the whole thing would last a week at the very most. Nina had them all lined up on the front lawn. She was at the front of the line. It was difficult to perform a spell on one’s self at the best of times, let alone such a hard one, plus having to do others too. A potion would be easier, but that required essence of a Minx Dragon, which they did not have. So Nina was using an ordinary wand in the front yard. “Arikea speaky deaky. Nary Pary woo!” Nina felt foolish speaking gobble-de-gook, but it wasn’t to be helped, those were the magic words. A yellowish mist formed around them. “Sparika!” Finished Nina, in a now hissish voice. All of them now sported large wings and a rainbow of scales. “Off we go!” Nina cried, and they took off.

    I told you they were impulsive.

    Cora glanced at the hall. “Are you supposed to be, you know, attacking us?” It was the worst thing she could have said, she though, kicking herself. Zlyde glanced around, “Not you,” He said. “Because Gin wants you.” Minta looked at him quizzically. “What do you mean, ‘Gin wants us’?” Zlyde blushed. “Gin keeps his more special captives as slaves.” He said. “You are magic, so you stay here.”

    Nina shook her head to get the mane out of her face. It was drizzling, and that left an unpleasant sting on her face. Lily looked like she was going to be sick. Suddenly, Nina changed back into a witch girl with a snap. Lily, Storm and Binxi snapped back too. But they could fly, Nina was plummeting to the ground. She was breathless. She closed her eyes as tight as she could. Then curled into a ball and braced for impact. Storm and Binxi raced to catch her. Lily tor her hair out, knowing that there wasn’t a chance she could catch Nina herself, and hoped that the Horses would reach her in time.

    Cora looked Zlyde in the eye. “Will you help us?” Minta glared him down. Ziyde answered, “I will help to the length of my ability, if you take me back to Gilderdash, the troll kingdom.” Cora nodded, this was reasonable. “Deal.” She said. Zlyde escorted her and Minta back to their room, so’s not to get in trouble with Gin, that would really, really blow their chances of escape. Minta glanced at Cora, “What now?” Cora looked at her, a glint in her eye, “Now. Now, we think of a plan.”

    Nina was plummeting to the ground, Storm and Binxi were trying as hard as possible to catch her. Binxi caught hold of Nina’s blouse and gave it a tug. Nina had stopped falling but she was to heavy for Binxi to hold. Storm quickly grabbed her collar and they gentle flew Nina down to the ground. She collapsed with relief in the damp grass, gasping. Lily flew daintily out of the sky and landed near Nina. She looked at her, anxiously. “You okay?” She finally asked. Nina nodded and sat up. She patted the ground near her and suddenly sat up straight, eyes wide. “My wand!” She gaped. Nina patted herself down and looked about in the long grass. “I can’t find it!” She said, hyperventilating. Lily tried to calm her while Storm and Binxi joined Nina in searching for the wand. “I must have dropped it when I was falling!” Nina groaned. Lily paled a little. “I can’t do the spell I need without it!” Nina nearly past out from hyperventilating. Storm and Binxi took off from the ground and circle the past kilometer they had come from, but they could not spot it anywhere. “We will have to use mine,” Lily groaned. “And I am not sure if a faerie wand can withstand a witch's magic.”

    I am aiming for about 7 chapters. Tagging @Butterscotchbitesfinger and @PollyGirl21!
     
  2. Butterscotchbitesfinger

    Butterscotchbitesfinger Free Ranging

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    Fantastic story so far, you’ve done a seriously good job, I would put my story up but it’s over 40 A4 pages long and I don’t want it to be copied. Nat I will tell you what to improve in as we go along but so far your in a roll, Congratulations
     
  3. Nats Chickens

    Nats Chickens Crowing

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    :bow
     
  4. Butterscotchbitesfinger

    Butterscotchbitesfinger Free Ranging

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    :)
    You truely have done well (my story is all hand written)
     
  5. Nats Chickens

    Nats Chickens Crowing

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    Lily paled a little. “I can’t do the spell I need without it!” Nina nearly past out from hyperventilating. Storm and Binxi took off from the ground and circle the past kilometer they had come from, but they could not spot it anywhere. “We will have to use mine,” Lily groaned. “And I am not sure if a faerie wand can withstand a witch’s magic.”

    Minta sat watching Cora pace the room. She yawned, quickly snuffling it out when Cora glared at her. “Whaat? I’m tired.” She protested. Cora rolled her eyes. “Could you at least come up with some ideas?” Minta got up and flung some hay at Cora. “If I came up with something, you would just tell me it was a load of rubbish.” Cora grinned. “You have a point.” Minta collapsed onto her knees and rolled over on the hay. Cora watched her. Minta closed her eyes, she was almost asleep when they snapped back open. “Hey! I’ve got a pretty good idea!” Cora grinned at her, “Really?” Minta rolled her eyes at her. “Duh really! Wanna hear it?” Cora sighed, then slumped onto the hay next to Minta. “Fine, sure.” “Well,” Began Minta.

    Lily handed over her wand to Nina. Nina held it gingerly, it was a beautiful wand. White and shiny, like non-transparent glass. It had intricate carvings all over it, in a swirly sort of pattern. Nina waved it gently in the air. “Abrika doom!” She cried, testing the wand. She needed to see if it could hold witch magic. “Abrika zoon!” A whirlwind and heavy rain came, lasting for about five minutes. “It worked!” Yelled Lily, clapping her hands.
     
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  6. Butterscotchbitesfinger

    Butterscotchbitesfinger Free Ranging

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    Um may I offer another way you could write this sentace? You if coarse don’t have to use it but it may be helpful for you.
     
  7. Nats Chickens

    Nats Chickens Crowing

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    Course you offer me another way! This is the whole point of this thread! :D
     
  8. Butterscotchbitesfinger

    Butterscotchbitesfinger Free Ranging

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    Okay instead of saying Nina nearly passed out from hyperventilating could you say Nina felt a wave of sick wash over her, she felt herself start to sway as the voices faded to a buzz she shook herself back awake
     
  9. Nats Chickens

    Nats Chickens Crowing

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    Hmm...I will fiddle with those and see how it works. Thanks for the ideas.
     
  10. Butterscotchbitesfinger

    Butterscotchbitesfinger Free Ranging

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    That’s okay, your welcome to ask me for more but yes certainly fiddle and tweak other sentences
     
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