(ex)-boyfriend problems, advice needed

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77horses

◊The Spontaneous Pullet!◊
12 Years
Aug 19, 2008
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(eta: please read the more recent posts because a lot has changed/been added since the beginning of this thread. thanks!)

hello all! wow, it's been about a year or so since i've posted on here. things have changed so much. i don't usually post about personal things, but i'm going through a tough situation right now and i really need some outside advice. this may turn out to be a long post, but please bare with me.
some background info: 4 days ago, my bf of 1 year and 3 months broke up with me over text. it's been really hard for me to deal with because i still care about him a lot and we' e been through a lot together. he's always been a great guy and he has always respected me more than any guy i've ever known. we both go to the same church and we both have the same morals and values in our lives, and things have always been great. even though we've had a couple distance problems, we had always stayed strong and i trusted him. we talked and communicsted well.
but then there was me. i tend to be the most worrisome person you would ever meet. i worry about the smallest things and althogh i try not to, sometimes i overreact, overthink, and assume. for a while, he was patient with me. he let me vent and share my feelings when i needed to, and i guess i took advantage of that because eventually it drove him away little by little. around this time of th year, he's been extremely busy with school, being on a varsity sports team, taking lifeguardin classes for a job this summer, and who knows what else. but on top of that, i was there always worrying about not seeing him or him not faring abou me. it pushed him away and made me more worried. we hadn't hungout or talked that much in the past few weeks, and whether that was because he was busy or didnt want to see me (or both), i dont know. but me being me, i got paranoid and sent him a reeaallyy long text one night saying that he didnt treat me like a girlfriend anymore and if he didnt start treatin me better i would leave. i will forever regret that. he responded back by saying he never meant to hurt me but it wasn't working out if he couldnt find he time to see me and maybe he wasn't ready for our relationship because his life is too hectic to fit a girl like me into it. he said he wanted to get rid of all the stress, and by breaking up with me that's exactly what he did, because i was obviously the cause of the stress. we got into a big fight about it (the first real fight we've ever gotten into since we had been dating) and he said im just always complaining abou our relationship and worrying about him not caring about me. which i admit, he was right about. i just pushed him away without even thinking about it. now he says he doesnt want a relationship anymore. but i just miss him so much, and i really want him back because i now realize that i need to get over my worrying and everything. it's something i'm willing to work on if it means we can compromise and try to make this work again, but im afraid it's too late anf he doesn't want to be with me now. f i could go back and take back all the times i stressed him out, i would. but it's too late now.
i haven't talked to him since the breakup because i wanted to give things a chance to cool down and let both of us think. but i still really want to be with him and i can't forget all the good times we had together. he was my first love and i was his first "serious" girlfriend and we really cared about each other. so i want to try talking to him to see if there's still chance that we can work something out. but when should i try callin him? how long should i wait? should i wait to see if he will call me first?
thanks for reading and for any advice you can give.
 
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77horses

◊The Spontaneous Pullet!◊
12 Years
Aug 19, 2008
7,590
613
476
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anyone?
sad.png
I honestly really need some help here guys. If anyone at all can offer any advice whatsoever, I would really appreciate it.
 

Sgtfirstwife

Chirping
7 Years
Apr 29, 2012
144
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I am not sure how long it has been, but I would give it a couple of weeks. Let things
Cool down. This will give you both time to think. To me it seems you are putting a lot of the blame on yourself. It takes two to make or break a relationship. I will say this, I too am a really big worrier. My husband says I worry about worry. I know I drive him nuts. Try not over to over analyze everything. I know it's hard not to, but tru to wait things out instead of making s mountain out of a molehill.

Take a deep breath, pray and the in s couple of weeks call him. Meet somewhere and talk and LISTEN! Good luck.
 

77horses

◊The Spontaneous Pullet!◊
12 Years
Aug 19, 2008
7,590
613
476
Maine
thanks, Stgfirstwife. i know that maayybee im putting a lot of the blame on myself, but it's for good reason. but i will take your advice.
any others???
 

gambit2178

Songster
8 Years
Oct 6, 2011
405
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I am sorry to hear about your situation...Like you, I am also a person that worries too much, over analyse and just like you, I tend to blame everything on me. A relationship consists of two people. The purpose of dating is solely to get to know one another, the goods, the flaws, the ups and the downs and creating a middle ground that includes agreement, accepting the good, accepting what can't be changed and willing to help one another in whatever way the other half needs it, help each other grow emotionally, mentally, spiritually. Communication is key in the success of any relationship, that means saying and listening what the other has to say, wheter we like it or not, otherwise the person will hold it in, ultimately doing what your ex did...
to be continued...battery is dying
 

sumi

Rest in Peace 1980-2020
Premium Feather Member
8 Years
Jun 28, 2011
39,154
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You guys were together for a long time, so that means he must care about you. I think you should send him a text or email and tell him you thought about what he said, you realise he was right, you were a bit too insecure blah blah. Tell him you miss him and you'd like to see him if he had time. No pressure! Maybe if you can talk about this face to face you can find a solution. Don't get weepy or too emotional. Just talk about things calmly, ask him what he needs. Maybe you should be there for him too. Listen to him more? Guys are not big on talking, but they do like emotional support. Just send him one email/text and wait for his response.
Good luck!
hugs.gif
 

Habibs Hens

Cream Legbar Keeper
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Mar 31, 2012
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your doing the right thing by giving him time

i pushed my ex gf away exactly like you did aver 10 years ag, she was also my first love

we did get back after about 6 m,onths of seperation but then she left me for someone else anyway

so its possible to get back together

just give him time and show him you have changed and im sure he will see your a better less paranoid person and give you a chance to get back and try again

good luck and i hope all things are well with you

:)
 
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dutchhollow

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11 Years
May 13, 2008
698
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You need to sit back and thnk about what made you paranoid (going to guess her, did you act jealous and question him about his whereabouts and who was with a lot?). You need to be comfortable and confident with who you are, and know that he is lucky to have you. This isn't going to happen overnite, and sadly for some never happens, but men don't like high maitnance, they might put up with it for a while, but once the polish wears off the new relationship, they will move on. So, unless you can get there within yourself, move on.
Don't mean to sound horrible, but if you go back at him right now, he is going to run and fast. Let him come to you.
 

ChicknThief

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12 Years
Jan 12, 2008
1,802
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You need to sit back and thnk about what made you paranoid (going to guess her, did you act jealous and question him about his whereabouts and who was with a lot?). You need to be comfortable and confident with who you are, and know that he is lucky to have you. This isn't going to happen overnite, and sadly for some never happens, but men don't like high maitnance, they might put up with it for a while, but once the polish wears off the new relationship, they will move on. So, unless you can get there within yourself, move on.
Don't mean to sound horrible, but if you go back at him right now, he is going to run and fast. Let him come to you.


This. I made exactly your mistake with my first "real" boyfriend. I was very clingy and insecure, and was constantly questioning him. And as a result, he made less and less time for me. It turned out that I was right and he was cheating, but that's beside the point.

Anyway, my point is this. Until you are completely secure with yourself, you will never be secure in a relationship. Maybe this breakup really is the best thing for both of you. Sounds like you could use this time to really learn who you are without him. Once you gain (or regain) that sense of "self" and who you truly are, you will be much better equipped to make your next relationship successful.

Also, maybe you should take a good look at him and decide whether or not he really is the kind of person you want to be with. Sounds to me like you need someone who is more attentive and affetionate. Some guys are, some guys aren't. But it doesn't sound like your ex was. So can you live with that? Only you can answer. I know that I personally could not stick it out with someone who I felt was neglectful. Just sayin.

Good luck to you deary!

P.S. I agree, if you contact him at all, do wait at least a couple weeks. Even the best of men can smell a desperate woman with low self esteem from a mile away. And it's a sore temptation to abuse and take advantage of that. Let him come to you.
 

Mikedero

Songster
8 Years
Mar 22, 2012
336
25
161
Watertown CT
I am sorry how old are you? I know that is a personal question but from what you wrote it seems you guys are still in highschool? based on classes and lifegaurding. If that is the case please take this adivce you both are to young to worry about a long term realationship. You have not lived life yet, It seems that you might have some security issues or self esteem. YOu have to love yourself before you can love someone else.

Get your head right and if it is meant to be it will be. But just jumping back into the realationship will not change what went wrong. Trust is a hard thing now a days it is earned not given that goes both ways. My wife is somewhat like you I call her chicken little she is always worried something will happen. Not all men can deal with this and I understand what made her this way. So I go out of my way daily to make her life easier. also I know corny but time heals all wounds
 
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