family problem, need unbiased opinions, please(long)

Discussion in 'Random Ramblings' started by cknmom, Nov 20, 2007.

  1. cknmom

    cknmom Songster

    Apr 10, 2007
    Dickson TN
    This is long and complicated, I will condense as much as possible. Our oldest grand-daughter has lived with us on and off since she was 2yrs. old Sometimes with her mother(my oldest daughter) and most of the time alone. My DH(2nd) has no children, he inherited my adult and teen children when he moved in.

    My daughter D. can be difficult, she thinks that the world revolves around her and everyone is here to cater to her, she has been that way since she was a baby. I didn't think that she should have children because of her attitude, she does not, cannot give unselfishly of or to anyone.

    Before her and her boyfriend(DGD father) split up, he had called me twice saying that she had gone out with friends he didn't know last night and still is not home and he needed to go to work, she was not answering her phone. At this time DGD was only a few months old.

    My DH and I have taught B.(DGD) everything that parents usually teach their young children-manners, toothbrushing, potty training, tying shoes, eating with silverware, you name it- we taught it. D. actually asked me to potty train B. as it was too much for her to deal with and she didn't have the time, and after all I was good at it, I'd potty trained three kids already.

    Everytime B. came back to live with us we had to reteach all her manners and proper behaivior (helping others, eating what is put in front of you, no tantrums to get what you want etc.) She was ALWAYS sick with a cold . All she ate was boxed pasta mixes, corn dogs, sugar cereal, juice boxes, milk, cookies. She was always inside, always only around adults. It wasn't until she started school that she had much contact with other children.

    In the middle of kindergarten D. called me and said that she couldn't financially take care of B.,she was losing her truck, her job and her room(she always rented a room from strangers) Of course NONE of this was ANY fault of hers, it was ALL someone elses fault, as usual. She needed for us to take her for a year while she got back on her feet. I told her that I needed to talk to DH. She proceeded to inform me that if we didn't take her then she was putting her in the system, because she would rather do that than them going to a homeless shelter! If we took her then D. could find a place to stay with friends. So needless to say, we took her for a year.

    During that year she was off galavanting here and there with her friends, at first she called every night to tell her goodnight, that lasted about 3 wks. then it was once a week for about a month, then it was once or twice a month, them every few months. She came to see her once.

    She took her back, and we told her that if we took her again, it would be forever. None of us couold do this anymore, it was tearing us all up. Since B. was about three, she had been wanting our last name, she kept asking. She was always happiest when she was with us.

    On our third anniversary we came home to an hysterical message from D. The pplice had come and taken B. to a shelter. She had no idea why, there had been no warning that something like this was coming. She got a call at work from the babysitter. She was able to bring her clothes and her teddy and see her briefly. She wanted us to come get B. so she didn't go into the system. We told her that thhis would be permenant, she could not ever have her back, she said that she understood that, all she was concerned about was that she would have contact and be able to be a part of her life and come see her often, come when she had plays , awards, etc. at school and things.

    Well of course we went and got her. D. signed papers that she understood what was going on. We told her that if she got pregnant again that she better be married(OH, you don't have to worry about that, I haven't even dated for two years!) We told her that we would persue child support from both her and the father, we believe that they should not be able to bring this lovely child into the world and just turn their back and go on with their lives as if nothing happened. They need to realize the having a child is a lifetime committment.

    Well, come to find out the police and child services had been to her apartment and work three other times, she was told that if they got another call, they would take her away! The police had been called by the landlord and by several tenents all four times. She had been leaving this six year old child alone while she worked! She worked as a trainer/server/management trainee at a nationwide chain of restaraunts AT NIGHT!!! She was leaving her in the apartment telling her not to make any noise, don't open the door, don't turn on the lights, keep the t.v. low. We could just imagine what this little girl went through, hearing people walking by the apartment, people knocking at the door, hearing scary sound. They had no phone so if there had been an emergency, she could not have called anyone. This had been going on for SIX months. She and B.were telling me stories about her babysitter when there was no babysitter. She had even left her for the weekend a couple of times while her and her friends went to concerts!!

    When we had sent B. back to her mother, she had been a very confident brave little girl always ready to try anything, she had not slept with the light on for the whole time she ahd lived with us last. When we picked he up, she had no confidence left, she was afraid of everything,she needed the light on and was afraid to be in her room alone. She needed to know where around the house we were at all times and was constantly asking if we were going to leave her alone.

    In school we were having emotional/ behavior problems with her, I was getting calls almost every day. Her mother came to see her two months after we got her, she came about 5P.M. stayed overnight and left about 8A.M. so her and a friend could go to a weekend concert! She next came to see her on her birthday one month later. She had talked on the phone to her three times since we had gotten her.

    At the time we went and got her we had been remodeling our house to sell and looking for one out of the city. We moved in Dec. D. couldn't come for Christmas, she talked to her Christmas morning. The next call was mother's Day, the next one was B.'s birthday in the fall! She wanted to come see our place and spend the day with her. She said that she would be here early, we waited, and waited, about 11:40 we got a call, oh I'm running late, I couldn't find the presents that I wanted to get B. yesterday, so I still have to go shopping.(She still doesn't get it that B. would rather spend time with her than get presents) She showed up at almost 5:00!! She did stay for dinner though and left at 7:30!! So much for spending the day with her.

    During this time we had been in court fro guardianship, the court granted us full permenant guardainship, they deemed the parents to be unfit. As our lawyer put it, they can't get her back if they bacame Jesus!

    The next time we heard from her was Christmas eve. She called to say that she couldn't make it for Christmas(We had no idea she was thinking of coming) but that she had all of her presents and she would send them right after christmas. She had been out of town on business and had let her apartment lease lapse, so she was staying on a friend couch, AGAIN. She said she had some news , I'M PREGNANT!! I told her I was sorry(she didn't get that I ment for the baby) and asked her what she was going to do. "Keep it of course! I thought you would be happy for me"
    I told her that this would crushB. and that I didn't want her to see her. She didn't ever send the presents that were all ready. She didn't call her. So in the middle of january, I called and left a message, she wouldn't answer her phone. I told her that we thought it best that she had no more contact with B. D. had only called three times that last year and one was not to talk to B. She didn't ever write or anything, so this wasn't going to be much different than what was already happening. Evertime she did have contact we would have behavoir problems withB. for two weeks.
    Since there has been no contact, she doesn't have problems in school, she has brought her grades up and gotten on the A honor roll this term , She is more confident, outgoing, HAPPY, smiling,adventurous once again!

    My mother has contact with D. (at least someone in the family does) In July she had TWIN boys!! She is not allowed to give me any info, but she says that D. is being taken care of. What??? is she someones mistress, what does that mean, she's being taken care of??

    Last weekend, she was a little upset, but wouldn't tell us why, she said I can't tell you. Which of course put us on edge as to why. I turns out that she missis her mother. She doesn't want anything but email and letter contact for now, and then take it from there. She doesn't trust her at all. All this time the state is still trying to get her to pay support. We had told the father that no living up to your resposibilities with support, no contact. We told the same thing to D. We have seen none from her. If we let B. have contact then we must tell her about the babies, we feel that it is our responsibility to do that. We are afraid that if she know about the babies(she has always wanted siblings) then she will overlook all the things that her mother did and the negative feelings about her just because of the babies. We are afraid the D. will hurt her again, she is strong and tuff, but at the same time fragile. She still won't tell us all that went on while she was with D. last time. D is still and always will be my daughter, but I have such bad feelings about her because of what she did, and I feel sorry for these babies. We have kept away from any info about them or pics or anything, we felt that if we did know more about them then if/when they got taken away also, we would have no choice but to take them also. We have no room and cannot afford more. D.'s sister has no contact for the same reason, she already has three of her own and cannot take on another two. That my sound cruel or unfeeling. I know several granparents whose children keep having babies and giving them to granma/grandpa. They know that they will always take them. It's like drug addicts and alcoholics you can't enable them. It has to stop somewhere.

    I'm just looking for unbiased opinions I don't want this little girl hurt anymore. I'm afraid that if she find out that her mother couldn't/wouldn't take care of her properly and now she went and had twins. She will worry about them constantly, are the same things happening to them? If not what did I do that made me deserve that? Did she replace me? B. is the world to us and we don't want her hurt from her mother anymore,she can't handle it.
    Sorry this is soooo very long. I hope it isn't too mean sounding, D. hurt me also, I did not raise her like this!!

    Thanks for any help.MOnica
  2. RubberChickenLubber

    RubberChickenLubber Songster

    Oct 19, 2007
    Newton, NC
    It may hurt your gd now to find out her mother has more children, but I think it would hurt her more later to find out it was kept from her. Sorry you're having to go through this, I know it's very hard. At least you gd has someone to give her a stable home.
  3. Wynette

    Wynette Moderator

    Sep 25, 2007
    This is such a sad story...I'm not qualified in any way to give advice, but how old is B? My personal opinion is that she has a right to have contact with her biological parent(s), but YOU also have the right as her legal guardian to set rules and limitations as to what type of contact she has. There's a reason children need guardianship. If B should "rekindle" her relationship with D, and say she wants to move back with her, then YOUR responsibility is to tell her no. Just my opinion! I feel deeply for what you're going through, and I think that what you've done in taking responsibility for B is a beautiful thing. She's very lucky to have you! Best of luck.
  4. hsm5grls

    hsm5grls Songster

    Oct 3, 2007
    I have always felt that you should be honest with kids. ALWAYS. I grew up i a very dysfunctional family. Every child grows and forms there own opinions about there childhood. You can not protect her from the truth. She will know someday and the hurt she feels as an adult might be towards you for depriving her of her relationship with her siblings. I always have said the mother may not deserve to see her kids but the kids deserve to see there mother. This is one of those things that you can't protect her from it is the reality of her life all you can do is be there for her explaining to her how and why things are the way they are and helping her deal with things as they come up. I think the most important relationships in a child's life are those with there siblings. I know it is hard to handle We have a similar situation in our family right now. Same thing a mom who is too busy with her self etc. almost identical in fact. I just think it is always better to be up front and honest in the long run. She trusts you and you need to keep that trust by being honest with her. Kids are smart they know things you think they don't. It sounds like it is time for a sit down with DG. You are the most important person in her life and she trusts you. You have obviously done a good job raisin her and I bet she is more understanding than you think she will be. Good luck with all this and once again this is just my opinion you have to do what's right for you. I will be thinking of you all and wish you peace as you sort all of this out.
  5. FutureChickenMan

    FutureChickenMan Songster

    Oct 29, 2007
    You're going to be dealing with separational issues, abandonment issues and trust issues. Those are just off the top of my head. I know DGD isn't adopted, but these feelings are pretty common among adopted kids. Picking up a few adoption books might not be a bad idea. The main thing is to be aware of the "signs" and deal with them immediately. Good luck.
  6. TransplantedTexan

    TransplantedTexan Songster

    Jul 9, 2007
    Bear Creek, Wi
    I aggree with Wynette.
    This may sound harsh, and I don't mean to say hurtful things about your DD, but I think that someone should pursue the interests of the two twin boys. She has no bussiness having them. They should be removed and some form of litigation should be persued to ensure she has no more. Don't know if that's possible though.
    "It's like drug addicts and alcoholics you can't enable them. It has to stop somewhere."
    You stated this , and it seems to me this may be the root of the problem. Is she a drug addict or alchoholic?
    I applaud you for your efforts in this little girls life.
    Good luck
  7. skeeter9

    skeeter9 Songster

    Oh, Monica, it's not mean-sounding at all. As parents we do our best to raise our kids right, but they are also individuals and sometimes upbringing just can't oversome their own natural tendencies.

    After reading your predicament, my first thought is that maybe you should seek the advice of a child psychologist. After all that your granddaughter has gone through, you are right to be concerned about what these new developments might do to her. A psychologist will be able to guide you through this very complicated circumstance. I think this would be the best way to ensure minimal negative impact on your granddaughter.

    Your granddaughter is very lucky to have you and your husband. You have selflessly done what you thought is best for her and she is doing well because of it. You deserve a big hug for doing all that you've done!! [​IMG]

    Take care and I wish you the best with your difficult decisions.

  8. Sherriekim

    Sherriekim Songster

    Aug 20, 2007
    Southwest Idaho
    I feel for you and what you are going through and while I am in no way qualified, I will share this... If there is anybody who would tell B, even accidently, or if she overhears about the twins, imagine the shock she will experience and it might make her feel like the only people she can count on and trust have let her down. I lived in a very small town growing up and when I was in the fifth grade, my best friend made a comment about my sister who had died. I didn't know what she was talking about. I went home home that afternoon and my mom explained about a car accident before I was born, etc... No need for details, but it was painful and confusing for both me and my mom. Well, best of luck to you, I'm sure this feels like a no win situation. [​IMG]
  9. jeaucamom

    jeaucamom Songster

    Oct 1, 2007
    Ophir, CA
    This will probably be controversial, but I am not saying anything that I have not lived. My youngest is the product of an acquaintance rape, 6 months after my husband left me for his secretary. 1997 was a very hard year. I wouldn't trade my daughter for anything in the whole world. I named her Catherine (pure) Grace. Because that is what she is to me.... a gift of pure grace. That being said. She will not ever have contact with her father. As a mom, I have had to make the tough choice to withhold this information from her for her own good. He is mentally ill and a pathological liar and I later found out he has daughters all over the nation. MAYBE when she is an adult will I divulge some info is she wants contact with her siblings or a deeper understanding of who she is and where she came from. As an adopted child myself, I understand those feelings intimitely. I will cross that bridge when I come to it. But for now, I have told her I love her and would never to do anything to hurt her but I have a responsibility to protect her and letting her see or know about her father would hurt her. I have only given her non identifying info and at 10 years old she is satisfied and doing extraordinarily well emotionally and physically.

    This is not advice just a similar scenario that you may or may not find any meaning in. You are in a very difficult situation and I will pray that the Lord gives you wisdom. Your love and devotion to your DGD is a beautiful testimony. I am sure you will wind up doing what is best for her.

    Edited to add: by all means tell her about her brothers as she will only find out about them anyway.... I was more addressing should or shouldn't she have an ongoing relationship with her mom. Sorry if that didn't come across that well.
    Last edited: Nov 20, 2007
  10. McGoo

    McGoo Songster

    Being honest with your GD is the most important thing you can do. She will find out and know that you kept it from her. That could cause a rift in your relationship with her in the future ..why didn't you tell me, etc. Honesty, at all cost is imperative.

    As for the twins, if you know and/or suspect that they are not being cared for, I would contact authorities. Whether or not you care for them as you have done so well with your GD is totally up to you. Their mother is a problem, but they shouldn't have to bear the brunt of her behavior. They should be protected. And you shouldn't have to be the one caring for them. Perhaps you could search to find a family willing to help out. Maybe through a church group.

    I wish you all the best and my thoughts are with you. [​IMG]

    ps. If you do decide to take on the twins, I'd seriously try and find a support group to help out 'cause that's a handful.

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