frustrated - who would've thought it would be this difficult to adopt?

Discussion in 'Family Life - Stories, Pictures & Updates' started by slackwater, Jun 21, 2010.

  1. slackwater

    slackwater Chillin' With My Peeps

    771
    8
    141
    Feb 1, 2010
    SoMD
    A little bit of background - I have always wanted to have two kids and adopt two - preferably siblings. Well, we had three (second pregnancy was identical twins), and started our foster/adoption licensing process in Oct/Nov 2008 (when I first inquired). Now, more than 1.5 years into the process, we have been homestudied for nearly a year, but haven't made any progress in actually finding any children. We have had three foster placements - the last of which was a complete debaucle b/c DSS didn't disclose all of the pertinent information b/c they needed someone to take the children for the weekend and were afraid that we would not take them if we knew everything (one had BDP, both had ADHD, they didn't give us their meds, or disclose a potential for sexual aggression!) - and have inquired about more than 150 kids, with no luck. Our children are 6, almost 4 and almost 4. We want to adopt 1-3 kids 10 and younger. BUT everyone either won't disrupt the birth order (so, all potential adoptive kids would need to be younger than 3 - which we're not likely to find), or they want the children to be the youngest (again, younger than 3) or only child in the home (simply not possible). I keep reading that there are 500,000 kids in foster care - many of whom have a permanency plan of adoption - but apparently, our family isn't good enough for any of them [​IMG]. I realize that many kids in foster care have specialized needs...and I thought we were equipped to handle many of them (basically, all we have ruled out are children who are extremely sexually overt, children who set fires and children who abuse kids or animals). But it seems that social workers only want their children to go to homes where they will be the sole focus of the parents' attention. That's all well and good, but...it rules us out as parents [​IMG]

    I've decided that I will renew our homestudy for one more year, but won't do it again next year (which is when our kids would have to have TB tests and whatnot - I can't justify putting them through all that in promise of a sibling/siblings that won't materialize). So, on one hand, I'm relieved b/c I've put an "end date" on the process...and on the other hand, I'm really, really sad, b/c I have this sinking feeling that we won't find our child/ren before that date arrives [​IMG]

    Anyway, just wanted to vent. Feeling a bit discouraged after receiving yet another "you are not a good match for these children" response.
     
  2. Chickenmaven

    Chickenmaven Chillin' With My Peeps

    Feb 6, 2009
    Michigan
    You sound like a wonderful devoted parent. It is a shame that this process is slanted away from putting kids in need in a home such as yours.

    I think you are very smart not to let this drag on forever. It sounds like the process takes alot of time and attention. Your kids are young, but I would be concerned that at a point they might be jealous or conflicted about all this attention going elsewhere - into seeking other kids. You know what I mean, they might think: "What about us; we're here; those kids aren't even in the picture."
     
  3. I have WHAT in my yard?

    I have WHAT in my yard? Chillin' With My Peeps

    Jun 24, 2008
    Eggberg, PA
    Trying to place foster children is a horrible task. The kids almost always have issues and some potential foster parents act as if they can shop for the pick of the litter..... There are thousands of children in foster care, but your parameters are fairly narrow. And, social workers sometimes don't know all of what the children's issues are. DHS or DYFS or whatever initials your state uses gets a child with no notice and no background most of the time. Then they have to place them immediately before anyone has a chance to assess the child. I have had police drop off a child who had witnessed his mother's murder at 4PM on friday July 2nd. No one was home everyone was already going away, the kid was severely traumatized, in shock and sitting in an office where he knew no one! I ended up hospitalizing him for shock for the weekend while I tried to find some one to take him. He absolutely needed medical attention, but he would have been much better off going into a caring home the next morning.

    Are you willing to adopt a different race child or an older child??

    I, for one am very glad when social workers desperate to place children are still cautious. I cannot tell you the damage it does to a child to be placed with a family that the child thinks will adopt them only to be rejected - again. Think through what you want to get out of this experience and what you want your children to get. It simply may not be for you and your kids.

    I had a foster son who had been adopted and then rejected, I took him in after the family fell through; and I have several other children in my life now who were adopted by a woman who should never have been allowed to adopt. Alot of people want to adopt, but they have unrealistic ideas about what it will be like. The ideal scenario is not as common as we'd like.
     
  4. Boyd

    Boyd Recipient of The Biff Twang

    Mar 14, 2009
    MI
    I can tell you the fun part of fostering and adopting is once you are already doing it. The process, lost paperwork, actually getting somebody to call you back......... uugggggggggggg
     
  5. Noncentzter

    Noncentzter Chillin' With My Peeps

    1,346
    13
    161
    Nov 17, 2009
    Southern Oregon Coast
    I understand completely! I'm the oldest of six, have adopted cousins, my wife's sister is adopted, so know all about adoption. Our first child was born in '86, in '87 my wife had a hysterectomy and we started the adoption process right away. Took classes and had our homestudy done within one year. We were going for any baby we could get, we didn't care what nationality or sex. After three years we only had one nibble, but it fell through, because the birth mother decided to keep the baby. Finally, the year that our daughter turned five we were able to proceed with a private overseas adoption and only had problems with INS. Our youngest is now 18 and is a beautiful young woman. But, we had given up and were ready to quit. Your baby or babies are out there and I hope you finalize soon! Good luck!
     
  6. cheri222

    cheri222 Chillin' With My Peeps

    327
    0
    119
    May 12, 2010
    Erie PA
    Just a thought, I think it was called TARE or something like that in Texas, they had lots of sibling groups about 2 yrs ago. Most were biracial groups with 2 -6 kids. Many did not have major med or psyc dx. We only wanted 1 so we had no luck. You can adopt from other states social service programs, just more paperwork. In PA, we waited several years on the foster adopt program and gave up and went private. Many of the states also have a heart (I think thats it) gallery to look up. Just do a search on the internet. Have you tried the Dave Thomas Foundation and adopt us kids. There are many options. I used to be a pediatric nurse and found that they really pushed the sick kids at us. good luck
     
  7. slackwater

    slackwater Chillin' With My Peeps

    771
    8
    141
    Feb 1, 2010
    SoMD
    I have WHAT in my yard? :

    Trying to place foster children is a horrible task. The kids almost always have issues and some potential foster parents act as if they can shop for the pick of the litter..... There are thousands of children in foster care, but your parameters are fairly narrow. And, social workers sometimes don't know all of what the children's issues are. DHS or DYFS or whatever initials your state uses gets a child with no notice and no background most of the time. Then they have to place them immediately before anyone has a chance to assess the child. I have had police drop off a child who had witnessed his mother's murder at 4PM on friday July 2nd. No one was home everyone was already going away, the kid was severely traumatized, in shock and sitting in an office where he knew no one! I ended up hospitalizing him for shock for the weekend while I tried to find some one to take him. He absolutely needed medical attention, but he would have been much better off going into a caring home the next morning.

    Are you willing to adopt a different race child or an older child??

    I, for one am very glad when social workers desperate to place children are still cautious. I cannot tell you the damage it does to a child to be placed with a family that the child thinks will adopt them only to be rejected - again. Think through what you want to get out of this experience and what you want your children to get. It simply may not be for you and your kids.

    I had a foster son who had been adopted and then rejected, I took him in after the family fell through; and I have several other children in my life now who were adopted by a woman who should never have been allowed to adopt. Alot of people want to adopt, but they have unrealistic ideas about what it will be like. The ideal scenario is not as common as we'd like.

    I don't think my parameters are narrow! We are open to basically any child under the age of 10. Unfortunately, since our oldest is only 6, we don't really feel comfortable bringing a pre-teen or teen into the home at this point. That being said...we would not rule it out. And we have no stipulations with regards to gender and race and are pretty open to most disabilities. We just ask that the child not be likely to sexually or aggressively harm our children or animals (and by that I mean more than normal acting out). And all of our foster placements have been shelter care - so, last minute calls to pick up kids. THe only one that we had the time to prep for was the one where DSS misled us in order to get us to take the kids. Whether we would have or not, knowing what we do now, I don't know - but at least I wouldn't have felt like our position as foster parents was abused. So, I know what it's like to take in babies from crack-addicted parents, kids from abusive homes - all at the last minute. I don't think our expectations are unreasonable. Or, I guess, I should say my hopes.

    And I do understand the need to be careful when placing children. I guess I'm just frustrated that apparently our family is not a candidate for potential adoptive children [​IMG]
     
  8. slackwater

    slackwater Chillin' With My Peeps

    771
    8
    141
    Feb 1, 2010
    SoMD
    Quote:We are completing our registration process with TARE and that is actually where we have had the most luck. We are also registered with Oregon. And most of my inquiries are through AdoptUSKids and Adoption.com. I think our best match is a 9yo in TX...but I have two more weeks before I can inquire about whether we are being considered... [​IMG]
     
  9. cheri222

    cheri222 Chillin' With My Peeps

    327
    0
    119
    May 12, 2010
    Erie PA
    We live in pa and one of those meet and greets we went to was very eye opening. A social worker from Philly told us that the child we were interested in the most, was a monster and he would not want anyone to bring him into their home. On another note we are now home for 1+ years with our 5yo from China. This child has been burned, tortured, starved, tied down and beaten(in China). He has peed on my furnature, broken all electronics and attacked most family members including the pets. Yes we have made progress--but its gonna be a long road. It is very hard on the entire family, esp our other son, adopted at birth. If I could give birth, I would not have choosen this path. We wanted 5 children but this one has behaviors enough for the 3 I don't have!! [​IMG] Cheryl
     
  10. littlefarm_bighappy

    littlefarm_bighappy Chillin' With My Peeps

    219
    1
    131
    Apr 2, 2008
    Oh hun,
    my heart is sad for your longing..
    but on the other hand, I am amazed and slightly grateful maybe thinking that there are a lack of children to adopt in your area... less abused/unwanted children or is it administrative malarkey?
     

BackYard Chickens is proudly sponsored by