My very good friend had to make this decision a couple of years ago. Like you, she just didn't want to do it. It has opened so many doors for her son. Things he didn't qualify for under her care. He has thrived and so has she. Hugs to you through these hard times!
Oesdog, that is wonderful, wonderful! That you have found a safe place for Danny, away from the dangers of a town, where he can have his own home and life, just like your other children.
And you and your husband can visit him, and he can visit you. And you'll be free of the terrible fear of what will happen to him when you can no longer take care of him. Because you have taken care of him very, very well, and now you'll have help.
I know you're crying now, and I would hug you if I were there! But it will be better, you'll see - you're not losing him, he's growing up.
I don't know anything about this but are you really giving up a child? Or are you just giving up time with him so he can branch out somewhere safe and as special as he is? I cannot imagine how hard this is for you but it is a very selfless thing to do in my opinion. You are breaking your heart to make sure your son gets everything he needs. I really hope this all has a very positive turnout for all of you and that you all get what you need.
I have read the posts in the past about your sons. I think your deciding to transferring their care to this facility is the best thing for you, your family and your sons. I think it would be a good thing if both boys could go together and start this new adventure in their lives. It might help them both to feel like they have each other.
I know it will be hard for you and there will be many days that you will think you have done the wrong thing. But they will need care all their lives and if you can be there for them at this point, you can help them transition in to their adulthoods. Your health and your husbands have been greatly affected by the stress/work of caring for them and I truly think that the best thing that can happen is you can learn to enjoy them as adult children in a new way with out the actual work of their daily physical care.