Growing Kudzu for fun and profit

Discussion in 'Games, Jokes, and Fun!' started by clawmute, Jul 10, 2008.

  1. clawmute

    clawmute In the Brooder

    How to grow Kudzu


    All beginning gardeners out there might want to consider growing kudzu as a fine way to launch out into the great adventure of gardening here in Arkansas or anywhere in the south. Kudzu, for those of you Not already familiar with it, is a hardy perennial that can be grown quite well by the beginner who observes a few simple rules. Kudzu is a fine plant for those with green thumbs, brown thumbs or those who have no thumbs at all. It’s not picky. Kudzu is to the plant world what fire ants are to the insects. The other plants sort of gasp when it arrives on the scene.

    Choosing a Plot:
    Kudzu can be grown almost anywhere, so site selection is not the problem it is with some other finicky plants like strawberries and other pesky edible vegetables or fruits. Although kudzu will grow quite well on cement, asphalt or solid rock outcroppings, for best result you should select an area having at least some dirt. To avoid possible lawsuits, it is advisable to plant well away from your neighbors house (or garden), unless, of course, you actually hate them.

    Preparing the Soil:

    Go out and stomp on the soil for a while just to get its attention and to prepare it for kudzu. You could bend over and kiss it goodbye for it is about to disappear from your view. Since you’re just starting you might also want to apologize to it for what you are about to do.

    Deciding When to Plant:

    Kudzu should always be planted at night. If kudzu is planted during daylight hours, neighbors might see you and begin stoning or shooting at you or they might call the butterfly net and buckled tuxedo boys. Probably they would do both. If they do find out that it was you that launched the stuff you might see them coming up your drive one night with torches and axe handles. Very much like they did to a fictional movie monster creator. Motion detectors are a good investment, they can give you a little head start.

    Selecting the Proper Fertilizer:
    The best fertilizer I have discovered for kudzu is 40 weight non-detergent motor oil. Kudzu actually doesn't need anything to help it grow, but the motor oil helps to prevent galling and scraping the underside of the tender leaves when the kudzu realizes that it has been unchained and takes off for parts unknown. Actually 10W40 is a nice touch since it does adapt for different daily temperatures. This also cuts down on the friction and lessens the danger of fire when the kudzu really starts to move out in mid-summer. Add oil once every thousand feet or every week which ever comes first. The environment will not be harmed by the oil since Kudzu has the endearing habit of either digesting or covering everything in it’s path. Old diesel fuel, 2-4D, 2-4-5T acid, Dioxin, Nuclear waste are all accepted as part of a happy environment by Kudzu.

    Mulching the Plants:
    Contrary to what may be told by the Extension Service, kudzu can profit from a good mulch. I have found that a heavy mulch for the young plants produces a hardier crop. For best results, as soon as the young shoots begin to appear, cover kudzu with concrete blocks. Although this causes a temporary setback, your kudzu will accept this mulch as a challenge and will reward you with redoubled determination in the long run. Don’t be startled if you happen to see those blocks jumping around as Kudzu gets a good foothold and really starts to flourish and flex it’s newfound green muscles.

    Organic or Chemical Gardening
    Kudzu is ideal for either the organic gardener or for those who prefer to use chemicals to ward off garden pests. Kudzu is oblivious to both chemicals and pests. As a matter of fact on a good growing day the “Kud” will completely engulf wood rats, ground hogs, chipmunks and other gnawing types that tend to nibble at the plant. Therefore, you can grow organically and let the pests get out of the way of the Kudzu as best they can, or you can spray any commercial poison Directly on your crop. Your decision depends on how much you enjoy killing bugs. The kudzu will not mind either way. Even if some insect pests happen to eat a few tons in a day it will grow back practically overnight.

    Crop Rotation:

    Many gardeners are understandably concerned that growing the same crop year after year will deplete the soil. If you desire to change from kudzu to some other plant next year, now is the time to begin preparations. The most successful method of growing other plants is to grow them in pots that are sitting on top of the Kudzu. The disadvantage is that every day you will have to walk 20 or thirty feet farther in order to water them.

    Selling your house;
    In late winter, while Kudzu is getting a well earned rest, you should list your house and lot with a reputable real estate agent and begin making plans to escape, er, move elsewhere. Your chances of selling will be better now than they will be later in the year, when it may be difficult for a prospective buyer to realize that underneath those lush green vines stands an adorable three-bedroom house. If you tarry too long then you will have to start your yearly chore of mowing the walls and the roof. If you can sell out and move as fast as the Kudzu moved in you have done well.

    Kudzu – the gift that keeps on giving.
  2. chickens4jojo

    chickens4jojo Songster

    May 26, 2008
    Upstate South Carolina
    [​IMG] [​IMG] I'm down south~~we have tons of it~~but not in my backyard thankfully!

    BTW~~will chickens eat it? (I'm on the look out for cheap chicken food that's healthy!!)
  3. clawmute

    clawmute In the Brooder

    Quote:They might eat a bite it if they are prepared to run, sort of like the turned around stance you take when you are going to throw a match on a gasoline fueled brush pile. I've seen it in south/east parts of this state but thankfully it is not here - the fire ants are bad enough.
  4. chickens4jojo

    chickens4jojo Songster

    May 26, 2008
    Upstate South Carolina
    Oh, that's interesting~~I think I'll keep my chicken food the way it is for a while then. [​IMG]

    Fireants~~now THAT's a Painful critter for sure! :eek:
  5. dacjohns

    dacjohns People Cracker Upper

    That is too funny. When I saw the title I first thought, what??. Then I saw it was in Games, Jokes, and Fun!

    Yeh, Kudzu, the vine that ate the South. Isn't kudzu another government good idea like multiflora rose and autumn olive or was it a farmer good idea?
  6. conny63malies

    conny63malies Crowing

    Mar 22, 2008
    Annetta Kentucky
    Before we left Florida i put some Kudzu in the backyardd of the house the army made us live in. hated that house,hated the landlord, have fun Mr Miner [​IMG] ( he never did anything always blamed us when the AC went on the frizz.)
  7. user213590

    user213590 Chirping

    May 17, 2013
    I see, this is a joke.
    I am in the wrong area?
    But really if you see my problem you may have that extra kick in your creative side to come up with a plan.

    I am seriously looking at the nutrients and afordability factors here. Chicken feed prices are not chicken scratch and I raise as a hobby for fun and not for profit. That was not my intention at the onset but how could I eat one of my darlings. I am looking for something that wil keep on giving and all I have to do is mow it and feed the clippings to the chickens. And then mow it again and again. The problem is I am in the mountains of Virginia and that is a growing zone of 6a & 6b. That may be too cold for kuzu. Or at least the cold will contain it. Anyways I went through the expense of $3,000. doggie kennels and set them up one connected to another giving left over panels to make more pens for the chickens. Yes chickens get a short free range through out the farm almost daily. They come out of their hutch into the pen every morning. They come out of their pen into the kennel(chicken yard). Then they get to come out of chicken yard into the yard and they have to hurry to the barn before they get picked off by the Hawk. That is why mine are not completely free range.

    Our gov thought it would be great to breed and release Hawks along the Parkway.

    They dont care that people actually live along the Parkway and the hawk will eat their chickens, small dogs or any puppies, the farmer's wife's cat. My son has had many of his pets (on a leash!) snatched up by hawk with him right out there! But our Gov feels the need to give money for some grant to some city fool, for project money to breed and release hawk every summer up here in the mountains and then they go back to the city and as winter comes the brazen fearless hawk get hungry and pets and small farm animals get picked off before our eyes.
    Well I digress.

    So, please use your creative & imaginative side of your brain and figure out what plant could work for shade during the summer, block out cold wind during the winter, and feed them year round.

    I decided to use my creative side of my brain and planted a small plot of plotspike (cheap) and wheat based forage( not cheap) $225. For a 50 lb sack.
    My other problem is corn feed and seeds more comonly known as chicken scratch and believe me it is not chicken scratch in costs.
    Well anyways, all you creative thinkers out there, Help me, please. If not do it because you dislike the gov. The Gov, created my problem with their giving their big city liberal demoncrate nephews and neices summer jobs to pay for college in a breed and release predators to sic on poor farmers causing us not to o be able to free range our chickens.
  8. I am sooooo lucky! We have both fire ants and kudzu here :(
  9. user213590

    user213590 Chirping

    May 17, 2013
    Ants I can do without.
    Kudzu with all its nutricial value as I have checked... I could use for my chickens. I need to enlarge and cover massively the top to prevent the hawk from getting my darlings. The meanies nailed one too many of our darlings. The democratic liberals nephews and neices( started with the Clintons) spend their summers breeding and releasing hawk along the Parkway for grant money. And then they go back to their big city life leaving us poor farmers pecking, no strike that, scratching out a living. Between the price of corn going sky high because of Gov interference converting corn to fuel the prices of high demand corn sky rocketed. Wheat prices sky rocketed because this prez is using our Money o buy up the wheat with the promise to pay and then they don't, send all the wheat and oats abd millet and so on overseas to Africa, Afghanistan ... for free jacking up the cost for us poor farmers to peck out a meager living. I heard some large arms get Gov subsidies to NOT plant anything and let the land just sit. One such farmer gets a million a year NOT to plant at all, where we are trying to fig out how to feed the chickens. I guess it is more who you know or your political standing as to how one gets money to sit and let the land do nothing and rack up a million(s in some cases) a year. Oh yeah, about that cost thing...some of the farmers that sold their wheat to the Gov so the gov can ship overseas and give it away, have not been paid YET! But there are those farmers getting a million here and millions there not to plant! Hardly seems fair. So I need a freen feed source that I can mow every week and give the chickens the clippings. Any help even if it is just a laugh would be great. Personally I thing all the hawks sgould be collected an gathered up and let loose on WDC or thise liberal demononcrates abodes. Problem, they are soooo pritected we can not touch them.

    So I figure anyone with a good sense of humor can think up a creative greenery I can mow each week to feed them that I do not have to pay for seed each planting and it has ro grow faster than grass and be more nutricious than grass. Thank you all

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