Help me kill my conifer!

[CurvyCoop]

I've got a conifer tree in my backyard and I've hated it since the moment we moved into the house almost 9 years ago. It's probably several decades old. There used to be two other conifer-like bushes that thankfully were diseased so I could get away with clearing the f*ckers out, but my partner is absolutely adamant he doesn't want me to remove the conifer tree. He feels that that tree "was there first" so it should get to stay, and also that it's mean to cut down a tree that's lived for so long.
It's ridiculous, he's very scared of spiders and that tree is absolutely covered in them from June to December and sometimes just the whole year. It's ALSO ridiculous because he doesn't ever do any gardening, the garden and it's upkeep are my job. I hate the needles, I hate the sticky sap and it's also stupidly tall and taking away so much light. I hate this tree so much you don't even know.
The ONLY reason I would let it stay is that some blue tits and great tits nest in it every spring. But it's not like it's a tree desert around here, in fact they also nest in the trees 10 feet from this tree.

I just want to get rid of it, I can't just cut it down or I'll get in trouble, so I need a secret tree killing plan (I can't believe this is my life, but here we are). I'm planning on making it sick somehow. That will be enough to convince my partner I can remove that stupid tree ("Oh no, the conifer is sick, we're gonna have to clear it. Anyway *revs chainsaw*). The main problem with that plan is there's an apple tree right next to it and I don't want to kill that one. Ramona (that's right, I named my apple tree) gives us lovely apples every year and her blossoms are a delight in spring.
How do I kill the conifer without damaging Ramona?

 

[Acre4Me]

1. Find a person who has an old , heavy car or truck. Pay that person to ram into the tree and injure it. But, no witnesses of course. This does not introduce poison or something new into ecosystem that could harm other trees.

2. Hire an arborist and explain your situation. That arborist may have some good suggestions that they could employ for a fee.

3. Does the wood type have value? I don’t know much about conifer wood. But, in US, you can get a person to come remove a valuable (for wood) tree and get cash for it.


My neighbor has an ugly tree that previous owners planted. Luckily it doesn’t cause issues. When we bought our current home, we ripped out 4 poorly placed and poorly chosen trees previous owners planted. But, they were likely under 10 (maybe 15) years old, so not decades old. I do understand your dilemma. Some trees are a real nuisance and poorly chosen for the site.

 

[BlindLemonChicken]

Um....the only ways I know to deliberately kill trees involve drilling holes in stumps and pouring something horrid down it. I dont think that will work unless you chop it first. Does the shade the tree provides not make up for the needles and sap? I would love a big pine tree in this heat. If you do figure out how to murder the tree will you be able to live with your lie?

 

[CurvyCoop]

1. Find a person who has an old , heavy car or truck. Pay that person to ram into the tree and injure it. But, no witnesses of course. This does not introduce poison or something new into ecosystem that could harm other trees.

If not for the fact that it would plow straight through my chicken coop....

2. Hire an arborist and explain your situation. That arborist may have some good suggestions that they could employ for a fee.

I'm gonna look into that

3. Does the wood type have value? I don’t know much about conifer wood. But, in US, you can get a person to come remove a valuable (for wood) tree and get cash for it.

As far as I know the thing is worthless

My neighbor has an ugly tree that previous owners planted. Luckily it doesn’t cause issues. When we bought our current home, we ripped out 4 poorly placed and poorly chosen trees previous owners planted. But, they were likely under 10 (maybe 15) years old, so not decades old. I do understand your dilemma. Some trees are a real nuisance and poorly chosen for the site.

It's ugly, it's taking up space I want and it's squashing Ramona. I hate it so much

 

[CurvyCoop]

Um....the only ways I know to deliberately kill trees involve drilling holes in stumps and pouring something horrid down it. I dont think that will work unless you chop it first.

I've been thinking that drilling holes in the roots might work? I can dig to the roots, drill, pour in something nasty and then cover my crime

Does the shade the tree provides not make up for the needles and sap? I would love a big pine tree in this heat.

Not even a little bit, lol. It's one of those conifers that grows straight up in an arrowhead kinda shape. It manages to block light, while being utterly useless at providing shade.

If you do figure out how to murder the tree will you be able to live with your lie?

Absolutely

 

[NatJ]

I've heard that you have to be really careful spraying Roundup on weeds. If it gets on a tree by mistake, it can be bad for the tree too. Of course, I don't know how much can be tolerated by what size tree, but be extra-careful of your apple tree if you need to spray any weeds in the area.

I agree with the idea to ask an arborist. The tree might already be sick or damaged, and you just don't know it yet. (That suggestion is serious-- it actually might be.)

 

[HollowOfWisps]

Drill holes into the roots and pour herbicide into the holes. There are a couple different types out there that are strong enough to kill a tree when it is directly tapped.

 

[Acre4Me]

I've been thinking that drilling holes in the roots might work? I can dig to the roots, drill, pour in something nasty and then cover my crime

Not even a little bit, lol. It's one of those conifers that grows straight up in an arrowhead kinda shape. It manages to block light, while being utterly useless at providing shade.

Absolutely

ID the tree first. Sone trees have deep tap roots. If that is the case, drilling into a few side roots isn’t going to be as impactful as you might think.

 

[CurvyCoop]

I HAVE BEEN SUCCESSFUL!

Not so much in killing the conifer, but in FINALLY convincing my partner that the blasted thing needs to come down.
I had noticed that whenever I was working near or under the damn thing I would have little bugs on me. I can't guarantee there were blood mites, but I'm not taking any chances. The thing is right next to/ partly over my coop.
I told my partner (I may have embellished a bit, but creepy crawlies really creep me out) and he finally acknowledged the thing has to go. We decided to wait until winter to make sure it's empty of any nesting birds. With the caveat that if I do suddenly get an infestation it has to go immediately.
I cannot tell you how relieved I am. The stupid thing is going!

Also a little shoutout to Natj, I asked a friend who isn't a certified arborist, but does have a a vibrant green thumb and works in local tree management, I sent them some pictures and they did say it look kind of weird. It might actually be sick after all.

I'm so happy I'm getting rid of it. It'll free up a lot of space and I'm already planning to turn the area into a nice little seating area right next to my chickens. This time next year I'll be enjoying my coffee from a comfy lounge chair in a cute little corner. I can't wait

 

[Red-Stars-in-RI]

We took down a massive pine tree a few years ago that was too big, too messy, and shaded way too much of the yard. I can agree with the thinking that taking down a mature tree is a bit sad, but sometimes it has to happen.

Perhaps your partner might feel better if you sponsor the planting of some trees where they ARE needed. Organizations like One Tree Planted (https://onetreeplanted.org/) will plant trees where they're needed for $1 each.

They even give you a certificate and a short video if you donate over a certain threshold. That may make your partner feel better about the loss of this tree.