How do you all deal with friends/family members dying....


12 Years
Sep 14, 2007
Kalispell , MT
A week and a half ago one of my friends sisters died . I met Karen through my husband and Diana . Karen had breast cancer and ignored it for over 2 years . She finally went to the doctor , had chemo , did the natural thing , and died at the age of 42 . She had a 10 year old daughter that she alone took care of because her ex abused both of them . Diana ( the sister my hubby introduced me to , who then introduced me to Karen ) had been taking care of her for months before she passed . I didn;t know when to call her......I've only had a few deaths in the family . I finally called her tonight and she was the one who was composed....I was the one crying . It's all a big mess....My hubby played softball for 10 yrs with Karen , he's out of town and won't be back for the memorial . He is devestated .My concern is the 10 yr old kid......last I heard she was going back to her dad . It's so hard to rationalize life.....Karen had a hard life and a hard death . She cleaned schools as her first job , then was a reflexologist as her second job . She was the strongest women I have ever met . Instead of complaining about life , she just plowed ahead . I can only wish that I could be that person when I'm her age .
My best friend on this planet recently lost her hubby to bile duct cancer. Rare and incurable. Death of loved one SUCK beyond belief. You need to let your friend deal with this in her own way. Do not be judgemental if she sounds cold, she is probably numb. Do not EVER tell her that it is time to move on.

As far as the child is concerned, I would call child services and let them know the deal.
I am letting her , but I'm just not sure if I'm being there for her to lean on at the right time . She is a woman who has few friends , like me , and doesn't call often . When I talked to her tonight she told me that I am her only close friend , and that she is doing ok . I feel like she needs to let go more than she has.....but don't want to push . We see each other so rarely , and I don't want to alienate her . I can't force her to come over , or talk on the phone to let it all out even though I want her to and she wants to . I talked with her daughter and she said her mom just needs to deal with it and cry her eyes out because she hasen't so far . I don't know what to do .
Just let her know you'll be there for her if/when she needs you. If you don't want to feel like you're constantly bugging her, just shoot her an email or text every now and then, to let her know you're thinking about her.
Take her out for coffee or lunch or invite her over occasionally--not daily, but more often than you have been. Let her know that she can talk about her loss or not as she chooses, and that you will listen if she wants to talk. Grief is different for everyone--some move through various mourning stages fairly rapidly, others very slowly. If her social life was heavily consumed by her sister, she will be at loose ends. She may be able to provide a home for her niece, and support her if she talks about doing so.

If you were close to the girl, I would even suggest that you consider offering to open your home to her. Going back to an abusive situation, without an adult protector is not a good thing for her.
Death is the only guarantee in life. It surprises me people have such a hard time with the BIGGEST reality out there. I wouldn't dare say it's easy or someone shouldn't be upset but you need to live your life for today and be grateful for everything that person meant to you and continue to do things that would make them and you both proud. Be active in your community, live for others not just yourself. That way you can die happy at any moment in time and the people around you will be left knowing you were happy. Best of luck
If you want her to know you are 'there' for her without a bunch of phone calls (because as you say she's not been actively seeking out people) you could try and send her a card or two a week. It allows her to know you care, without feeling pushy IMO. It may even make some of your uncomfortable feelings go away if you are able to write something heart-felt and personal in the card instead of feeling awkward telling her on the phone or over coffee. This way you can call her as frequently or infrequently as you think she'd want and she still knows you are thinking of her.


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