What a wife needs The husband and wife go to a male counselor after 15 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is, and the wife goes into a tirade, listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on. Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze. The counselor turns to the husband and says, "that is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?" The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday, but Friday I go fishing." ------ Midlife Crisis After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, 'Honey, 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old gal. Now I have a $500,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me you're not holding up your side of things.' My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old gal, and she would make sure I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV. Aren't older women great!!! They really know how to solve a mid-life crisis... ------ 1. How to impress a woman: Wine her, Dine her, Call her, Hug her, Support her, Hold her, Surprise her, Compliment her, Smile at her, Listen to her, Laugh with her, Cry with her, Romance her, Encourage her, Believe in her, Pray with her, Pray for her, Cuddle with her, Shop with her, Give her jewellery, Buy her flowers, Hold her hand, Write love letters to her, Go to the end of the Earth and back again for her. 2. How to impress a man: Show up naked, Bring chicken wings, Don't block the TV. ------ Cow tongue A man walks into a restaurant and ask the waitress what the special of the is. She says: Cow tongue smothered in mushrooms and onions. The man says: Thats gross! Im not eating anything that comes from a cows mouth. Just fry me up some eggs.