I have a question about adult step kids.

[debilorrah]

My heart has adopted Ken's children. They are all grown, one has our 5 year old grandson, and two others gave birth over the weekend, with one more due soon.

My question is: If you were the mother of two of these adults, would you find my loving them offensive? Would it bother you if I called them my kids?

When I say adult, I mean 26, 24, 22 and 20. The two that are hers are the oldest. I have a very good relationship with all of them. The oldest is hers and not Ken's naturally, but he adopted her at a young age, the next one is his and hers together and the last two are his and not hers.

She seems to be very bothered by me calling ANY of them my kids.

Thoughts?

 

[hennyannie]

I think you can never have enough parents! If my DH and I split, I would hope that any woman he married would grow to love my kids.
I know it is rare to find a great stepmom like you and she should be glad you love and support them.

 

[BrattishTaz]

Honestly.......yes......I would be furious. I would want the stepmother to have good relationship with the kids but claiming them as her own would make me crazy. People can attack me if they want over this because it is not the "right" thing to say but it is how I feel.

 

[debilorrah]

Quote:
That is all I am asking is how you guys feel.

More questions, sorry!!!

Even as adult children, when everyone involved knows full well I am not their birth mother? I understand about younger kids, not wanting to confuse them and all. Under 18 I would never. I have been a part of their lives for 4 years now, saw one through a suicide attempt (no she wasn't there) and another talks to me far more than her mother for reasons that will remain private.

Please remember she is not ALL their birth mother either (that is a whole other Oprah!!!)

 

[bockbock2008]

Dont worry about what she thinks. It only matters what the "kids" and your DH think. If they don't have a problem with it, I don't see any problems. I have two step kids. One is a 16 year old boy and the daughter is now 18. I have been with their father since they were 2 and 4. For the most part, I correct people when they refer to me as thier mom, but sometimes its easier to just let it be. I have repeatedly told them over the years that I am not trying to replace their mom. Even though mommy dearest and me aren't BFF's she and I have for the most part been civil. Now I don't even have to be civil with her since we have custody of the son, and the daughter is out on her own with her own baby. We don't have to arrange visitation. Anyway, I have heard it out of her mouth more than once that I am a great stepmom. But a few months ago, the SS slipped in front of her and called me mom and that didn't go over very well. Thats not what he EVER calls me. BAAAAAD timing

Not the same as your situation since they were so young when they came into my life and your step kids are adults but it still only matters what the kids think. Its not ever easy combining families. I have said many many times that if I would have met my DH while his kids were in thier teens, I would have ran the other way

 

[BrattishTaz]

Quote:
That is all I am asking is how you guys feel.

More questions, sorry!!!

Even as adult children, when everyone involved knows full well I am not their birth mother? I understand about younger kids, not wanting to confuse them and all. Under 18 I would never. I have been a part of their lives for 4 years now, saw one through a suicide attempt (no she wasn't there) and another talks to me far more than her mother for reasons that will remain private.

Please remember she is not ALL their birth mother either (that is a whole other Oprah!!!)

My feelings would apply to adult children too. My reasons for not liking it have more to do with my personal feelings than any damage it would do to the child.


Sheesh.....I am in a brutally honest mood today.

It is not very flattering at all on me.

 

[suzettex5]

It depends on the situation and your relationship with the kids birth mom. Its a touchy subject. When my ex-hubby had a GF (they were together about 5 years) I was SOOOOO ticked that she posted pics of MY children (not adult kids though) and titled the pictures as 'My Family". I not only informed them both that she did not have my permission to post pics of MY minor children (I have full custody), but that as they were not married, AND, I am the one who gave birth to them and raise them,they are NOT 'her' family.

It was kinda petty of me, but its how i felt.

I also call my step-mom 'MOM', but NEVER in front of my 'real' mom, I feel that is disrespectful to her as the woman who carried me and cared for me and raised me. But everyone knows I love them both.


I think you are not doing anything out of malice, or any weird attempt to 'replace' their real mom in anyway, but I can see how she feels (even if her reaction is a bit over the top). Best thing to do IMO is to keep the 'my kids' out of your mouth when she is around, or anywhere she can see or read it. If only to keep the peace. Its not worth fighting over.

I have grown step kids too (and a step-grandson) and I try to be very careful what I say and how i say it so I am not coming across as disrespectful to them of their mother. But, I have a weird situation that would take forever to explain.

Shame you cant express your love and acceptance of those kids in what I see as a normal way.

Sounds like their mother still has issues with you and your hubby. Sounds insecure to me. But then again, for me, raising kids is one tough gig and I'll be danged if anyone tries to take credit for MY hardwork and dedication.

See.....its a tough situation. I can see both sides of the argument and can argue either side. I dont know her though, or her real reasons for being so upset with what you are saying. Maybe all that REALLY matters is how the kids feel about it? If they are adults and dont mind you saying it, then who cares what she thinks? Maybe its her who needs to grow up a bit and let her grown children be just that- Grown. And able to make their own decisions.

 

[bockbock2008]

Quote:
That is all I am asking is how you guys feel.

More questions, sorry!!!

Even as adult children, when everyone involved knows full well I am not their birth mother? I understand about younger kids, not wanting to confuse them and all. Under 18 I would never. I have been a part of their lives for 4 years now, saw one through a suicide attempt (no she wasn't there) and another talks to me far more than her mother for reasons that will remain private.

Please remember she is not ALL their birth mother either (that is a whole other Oprah!!!)

My feelings would apply to adult children too. My reasons for not liking it have more to do with my personal feelings than any damage it would do to the child.


Sheesh.....I am in a brutally honest mood today.

It is not very flattering at all on me.

I think my feelings are purely spiteful

but since I have been dealing with this... uh um I mean with "her" for so long and put through so, so much (she is absolutely worthless! and now suspected of being on meth ) she has no hold over them anymore so I really don't care what she thinks or what I do to hurt her feelings. And I'm not usually a spitefu person. She has brought out the worst in me

 

[hennyannie]

I guess I am thinking of my brother who is a grandpa now because his stepdaughter has a little girl.
What if the person couldnt have kids of their own, it could mean the world to them to be able to say "My Kids"
I agree not in front of the real mom, but whats the harm if the kids are okay with it?

 

[ChickenScratchin]

I think it maybe depends on the circumstances, frequency, and exactly what is said. For example, there's a difference between "our kids" and "MY kids". And I could see situations where I might not feel it was appropriate...or that my toes were stepped on. I'm trying to think of a good example...

The best way I can relate it is this: My mother has been common law married to my step-dad for 23 years. He and I are not close (he's a VERY quiet man and sort of in his own world.) But he is a GREAT guy and I care deeply about him and love him deeply for how well he's treated my mom. They got together when I was 13. So he was definitely there during some formative years (and years that were VERY trying

). Now, it's not the same as if I was very close to him, but it's a long enough relationship that it's pretty solid.

All that said...there are plenty of times when I call him my dad. But there are times when I specify that he's my step-dad. And while I don't have contact with his kids from his 1st marriage (they live out of state), if I was speaking to them or around them, I would NEVER call him "my dad" or even "dad" in front of them. I would feel like I was stepping on their toes.

It's wonderful that you have a good relationship with them. And I'm sure it's difficult if you get to deal with problems but don't exactly get some of the "rights" of being "Mom." But I think it's best to try to remember that anyone in a position to feel "pushed out" of a role by someone new coming in is going to be sensitive. And I think it's the kind thing to do to try to accomodate that, to some extent.

(Sorry if I rambled, I'm tired

)