I spend my time reading and posting in here all the time since I lost my mom in April, I posted about her and the had to turn around a few days later and post about losing my dad. I never thought I would be posting this. I woke up yesterday morning to find my husband in the bathroom floor. I was tired and my laptop was giving me a fit, so I wasn't up all night like usual. I layed in the floor about 11:30 or so with our 4 yr old granddaughter who couldn't sleep and came in wanting to lay there and watch TV because she couldn't sleep. The Bill walked in and she wanted her Grandpa! Everything for Makayla was centered around her Grandpa. Bill said he'd take her in on the bed and get her to sleep. Never works for me, but always works for him. I was getting sleepy and told him I was going to lay there and watch a movie and to wake me up if I fell asleep. He didn't wake me up. I found him laying there where he had obviously stretched out when he felt something was wrong. His cell phone was about an inch from his hand. I sleep so soundly if he had called my name I don't know if I would have heard him. My daughter was heard and she usually hears everything, but nothing but her 2 yr old woke her up asking for juice. She told her to go back to sleep and she could have juice in the morning. She feel so bad, because she thinks if she had gotten up, she may have been able to hear him, but then again, she said if she saw the light on in the bathroom, she wouldn't have disturbed him. So many what ifs. Everyone is is shock and I'm ........I don't know what I am. Bill has taken care of me for the past 13 years. Our anniversary will be the 23rd. I've told everyone that I can't feel my heart beating. Our birthdays were February 3rd and 4th, so we always kissed eachother at midnight and said Happy Birthday. Mine would be over and his would start. We finished eachothers sentences and knew what the other was thinking. We'd come up with the same ideas and start telling eachother and although we did it so much we were always surprised. He had a lot of disabilities that were a result of 3 tours in Viet Nam. He was very proud that he was a Green Barret. He never really talked about it but 3 Purple Hearts and many many medals and honors. What he did talk to me about was hard for him. He wrote a book before we met that was over 500 pages and still needed a final chapter. I've bugged him for 13 years to finish it and he said it was only his therapy and no one would be interested. It was good! He was kind and caring and only lately doing things like joining the UEW and American Leagion. Even though he never attended but one meeting I think. He found a great counselor when we moved to Modesto and he helped him get some help that he needed. He had serious issues with PTSD and he just finally went from 10% to 100% service connected disabled. He had gotten several life inssurance forms lately and we were sitting on the bench on our front porch this weekend and he showed one to me. Then he saw the monthly payment and said that one was out and he had the one he was going use with his other papers. I know it's stupid, but I always felt too uncomfortable to talk about it. He wanted to make sure that I, my 14 yr ols son that was like his own son and my 4 yr old granddaughter were taken care of. I knew I would need it, but I felt like a ghoul for even worrying about it and knowing I would need it and that he hadn't just done it on his own. I just could say do it even though I knew I needed him too. He was going to send in the forms he had filled out yesterday. He didn't even live long enough to leave the house. I hope you all don't mind, but I'm going to add more posts when I need to and it might be often. He deserved so much more than he got and gave more than he ever needed to or could. He built so many coop (although he wouldn't listen to what I needed), but he did it because I needed my birds. He was the best stepfather in the world and don't get me wrong he could be a total grouch and could drive you nuts, but he was always there. I met Bill a few years after I had had 3 major strokes and a brain tumor. I have a kidney disease and issues with leaving the house and answering phones. He always took care of things. He took care of me and especially after 2 more stroke a few years ago. He did everything the first 2 months after I lost my parents. 4th of July he said he thought he might need to go to the hospital. I tried to get him to go. He said he felt better and he was going to wait, because he had all these Drs appointments finally lined up. After 20 years in the Military he because a Surgical RN and I was told by so many just how good he was. They loved him in the OR. I feel so horrible that tonight I can't sleep, but last night he needed me and I didn't wake up all night like usual. He promised he was not going anywhere and when I told I wanted him to start seeing doctors so he wasn't my #3. That's all he used to tell me. "Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere, I'm going to be seeing Drs and make sure of it". I hate that it took MONTHS for these appointments! Maybe we would have at least been somewhat prepared if not able to fix whatever was wrong. He was the ONLY person that understood me and I feel so lost. I want to wake up and have it be sunday again and not be tired, so I could have helped him, or at least so he wouldn't have been alone and have laid there all those hours like that. I just don't know what to do without him.