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I need some in put

Discussion in 'Family Life - Stories, Pictures & Updates' started by Henny peeny, Nov 16, 2011.

  1. Henny peeny

    Henny peeny Chillin' With My Peeps

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    May 4, 2007
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    Sorry folks this is gonna be a little long but I am unsure of all this and I need to have some opinions FORGIVE ME PLEASE for it being long

    Sorry so far back but you have to understand this all and I can only have you understand this if you know all.

    This started with my husband's daughter when she was young,, I came into this to believe both of us was to raise his daughter but this was not so and his daughter did all to break us up which I left him in 95 but returned in 96 which I thought things would get better they were for a while but then I find I was taking her where ever she wanted to go and even if he could, he was not at work for a the weekend or home from work he still didn't take her anywhere. SO I felt I was at the mercy of this child brat. As thing went on she would get mad for what ever reason and he would side with her if I got mad then he would tell me to get over it not thing were good while she was gone and things were bad when she was around. about the time she was in her 20's early 20's she had gone to live some place then with a boy friend but the boy friend died of a drug over dose and she has one child female so this started her to living with us on and off then she had a another child we found out she was pregnant right after the funeral and she had female child.

    Since this child was born she was in a place but couldn't seem to keep it and a back and forth she went and then about 2 years ago she was with us. She was working and can get a valture for day care and I told her I would not watch the kids forever. But 8 months went by and still nothing and I told my husband she either does some thing or I am gone, leave him she then put the one in day care and the other was in school but she failed to pay day care and they would not take the one any more till she paid the bill she was being paid under the table and making 200 a week she paid us at the time $80 rent so I have not clue what she was doing with the rest of the cash then one I said she should pay more and I would put it in account and when ever she moves out she can have what ever is in it. So then she was paying 150. Now when I was watching her kids I thought I should of been paid but my husband didn't think so. I felt they thought I was a live in Baby sitter.

    Well she moved out and all was well but she didn't pay rent once more and back with us. So once more I was to leave I don't want to but I don't feel it is my responsibility to care for these kids I am not at a dislike for these kids but she has them she should care for them. PEROID ok let me stop her for a sec when she did have them she had placed them with people I don't know who they were and how long she knew them but I can speak for one case after I had said I would leave is she had met this one guy and he was 27 at the time and her daughter was 7 at the time and her other one was 2 or 3 this guy was to watch both girls for 150 a week but not a week in he didn't want to watch the youngest I had a red flag go up from the get go what 27 year old man would want to watch a 7 year old girl and not have any kids or any relatives that had kids. I didn't like this guy at all he had the oldest for weeks at a time and my husband's daughter didn't think nothing of it I reckon she just wanted to run oh forgot sorry the oldest gets a check for having the daddy dead from Social Security and his daughter has this check I feel she is not spending it right and we have bought things for both because they needed them for Christmas she is to get them a gift card she can't buy them clothes or anything a gift card. She does call them ever night but is this enough I feel she should do more sorry sorry off tract.

    Anyhow one day I hear from someone that watches the youngest sometimes that the oldest sleeps in the same bed as this guy , ok bare with me he is not a relative and even so I wouldn't let my son or if I had a daughter sleep in the same bed with anyone I can't sleep in the same bed with a youngn' now while she was in a apt she was seeing a cousin first I think his daughter TOLD US that she let the oldest sleep in the same bed as this male cousin we both (my husband and I) thought this was wrong well I can't say this oldest he live with his daughters uncle my husband's brother that is for about a year and he tried to take her daughter from her personally I think the kid would of been better off with him. My husband went over and got the oldest and that was all to it. Now this has got worse with the tug of war.

    Let me bring you close to now, His daughter moved in with us about 2 years ago and I was watching the kids she had got in trouble with the law not paying a DUI (DWI??) and then had a revoked license she got caught three or four times the first two or was it 3 my husband got her out but the last time she had to get her self out she was in for two weeks she called ever asking when he was going to get her out but he didn't I was sure he was but he didn't now the oldest I don't know what this does for her for her mother to be in jail so much but it can't be good. So then last year She was to do community service and was to be going to college I said I would watch the kids while she was doing this assuming she would be home after the community service or college but this did happen. She was going to this guys house and being there all day I reckon I saw her college stuff and it stated she had excessive absences she said she quit but I think she failed I didn't question her on it because she would only lie which you can trust what ever she says. So I a watching the kids and the oldest I thought I would try to help with home work I can't do the stuff she does the fraction or multiplying I never learned it in school I was very slow and the school pushed me through so I never learn it.

    The oldest got in trouble so his daughter said she will do the times tables every night but she went to jail and when she got out the oldest wasn't doing them I asked both my husband and his daughter and both said no she isn't doing them but of course they don't recall this so the oldest was going to school and lying that I was not making her do her home work and that she didn't have it when she did and saying she tried to tell me but I didn't give her a chance to tell me she was to say do reading later. His oldest go on my case saying why I didn't do this I said it wasn't me and I tried to explain but she didn't believe me she believed her daughter so I told her things would of got done IF SHE WAS HERE INSTEAD OF NOT HERE. well I got running my mouth to someone she knew and it went back to her she got on me and why to talk to the people and I said I told the truth if you would be here and not ruining and all I said I told the truth my husband said a little but not much she said about the kids I said when is the last time you spent a weekend with the kids she could say I said when was the last time you spent anytime with the kids nothing she said we should be glad that she is going to college (she was to be going at the time) and seeing a guy I said you are going to college every night till the wee hours every night?? she said nothing she was ticked I didn't ask what was said to her I felt there was not us since the person already said I would say what ever.

    There was also fiction since she didn't go by the rules of the house I told her not to over load the washed and clean the vacuum out and the clothes she would wash she would leave on the couch or on the bottom bunk of the bunk beds and then her oldest would put it all away. she had to vacuum the rug and her oldest would do it because she thought it was fun but I said that his daughter should do it is HER JOB NOT THE OLDEST JOB. just to give a idea of how much
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    she would leave this for a week or more. She would leave the clothes in the washer for a week or over a weekend.

    So my husband said that I get the washer and dryer Mon. And Tues. and she had it the rest of the week well she did good at first then she was leaving it in both when I was do mine I refused to do her laundry take it from the washer or dryer they she was leaving it in the dryer I still didn't do anything IO felt if I can have it clear everything out of both so can she.

    So not up to date She moved out with another boy friend and it didn't work out so then she moved to trailer but it didn't have electric or water she put the kids with their grand mother the daddy's mother and we found out they had been with her for two weeks so now we have had them for four of five months steady they have been with us for about two year more on then off. his daughter bought a scooter since she doesn't have a driver license but when she moved she sold the scooter for rent two weeks of rent. which I think was stupid. We have been having trouble making the bill payment and I told him I would try to get food stamps (CARD) so I went and they said 15 is all so I said no but in trying to do things I find I would qualify for other programs but when I went to get them once more once they found the kids would got to school, where we live they said no that we should have them on with us and she is causing fraud. When she moved I wanted her to take the stuff and transfer all to where she is but my husband seem to think it is ok as things are I think she should take the kids off the food stamps and let us put them with us and we could get them I don't care how much it would be more then 15 but my husband says no.

    My electric will go up to 300 this winter and I have not clue as to how to pay it, his daughter is now living with another guy and I have no clue why she doesn't have the kids living with her all I can think is the guy doesn't want the kids to live with him 24/7 OR if his daughter isn't getting up and letting them run then he doesn't want them tearing up the place. They have gone for the weekend but now more and the oldest doesn't say anything about seeing her mother and his daughter does say anything about having the kids well maybe once or twice the last time she was here I don't let the kids be in together in the bathroom there is always a mess so I don't allow this. well I told the kids not to and his daughter said it should be up to them I said no there is a mess when ever they are in together and I don't want this she said to have them clean it up I said it should not be in the first place she took off to go smoke and I went to the bedroom I stared at my husband to be on my side but this failed he was on her side telling me I should not be in her face I said he should of been on my side and not hers and he never is on my side when his daughter was young she had brain washed him and he agree with her 99.9 percent of the time and even when I say let say not to smoke in the house it was winter and she was smoking in the bathroom of the kids room when the heat came on you could smell it through to whole trailer (mobile home) so still she wins now the kids are her he agrees with them and one get mad he is on her side not mine.

    This last time was the breaker I was to through it all in at tax time he would have to either adopt or take custody of the kids or I would leave It was that she need to get her sh** together and save up and get a place or he would take the kids and if neither happened I was to, leave I wanted to go do volunteer work at a vet office so I could get a job if I had some recent experience maybe it would help I have been out of work for fifteen years nearly, I didn't have a car for a while and then I was watching his daughter kids and now I can't get a job I don't have 5 years behind me , I hoped to go to college for a vet tech but this can't be done because I am watching the kids it is unfair to me to have to be here watching the kids and she is just running free these are HER KIDS and she should be doing not us.

    Now yesterday the oldest went to a shrink I knew this should of been for my husband's daughter and I knew this for her oldest the shrink said the oldest has Traumatic stress disorder you know the stuff the soldiers have and she is on zoloft 25 mgs once every day, She was asked question like what happens a man is walking across the street and she is to tell what happened she told of catastrophic events. When I was told what she had I said I am not surprised being bounced around so much. So now last night I talked to my husband I said you need to think thing through we are about as stable of a life they are to have and if they go back to his daughter what will happen most likely the same thing. His daughter has had the oldest being mama she has had to do for her sister all her life and I have tried to take some burden off her but it is so ingrained that she really can't help it the shrink said she has to remember she is JUST A KID and let us take care of thing I told the shrink I have tried the shrink said it will be hard to do this once it is ingrained but I hope it can be done this is so bad one day I was putting the youngest in the car seat and she was buckling it I said don't fret I can do it she got hysterical because she said her mother told her to do it. I tried to tell her she has did enough and let me do it she don't have to worry.

    Now in light of all this the oldest needs to go to the shrink and therapist and the appointments have to be kept but if my husband doesn't take custody or have his daughter do something I am not so sure if I should leave if I do would I be letting down his daughter's oldest and if I don't is it fair to me not to find work or go to college he doesn't want to change anything of food stamps and I don't see things getting better I am stuck between a rock and hard place If it was my son this would never of when on and what I mentioned on his daughter doing would be done, oh she had the trailer and she wanted 2,500 for a down payment for the trailer but she let it go she was using the check the one daughter gets to pay for rent and then the food stamps were sold to pay for the other part of the rent she still had no electric through the whole time. now that tax time is coming I get the feeling she is expecting my husband to give her the 2,500 to get a car and I feel she should not get it because I think she should save up for it he has given her more then enough and she needs to learn daddy is not going to do it for her she need to learn to save.

    I don't think the girls are to go back to her she just had them with many and if they go back it will be no better, we were over where his daughter lives and I asked the youngest if she would take my plate to the trash the youngest said no I said ok his daughter yell the name of the daughter I said it is fine I can take it if she doesn't want to do it I a able to. A while back the youngest was younger in age and there was a gallon freezer back on the floor just a hands reach away she told the youngest to pick it up the youngest had nothing to do with it the youngest was not dong as told she hit the child and told her to pick it up when all she had to do is reach over and pick it up, I think this was wrong. One time she was disciplining the oldest and the oldest with dance around I reckon you can call it not to be hit YES I BELIEVE IN HITTING TO GET THE MESSAGE THROUGH until I talked to the shrink anyhow she was trying to hit her daughter on the butt she picked her up and threw her on the couch I got up and was between her and her daughter she knows I will step in but I was not going to let her throw her daughter like this I said she has had enough I was not going to move come what may if she hit me I would have her arrested but I said she has had enough meaning throwing her daughter well on the third time she told me to move of else my husband got up and held the middle of her daughter and I held her legs and she got hit 2 more time and we both let go. his daughter is mad (I think she really loses it get blinded by anger) I told her I only hit them 3 times and let go never anymore. but she goes more so far 5 time but when I am not around I can't say she has told me she has had her knee in the oldest back to hold her down to spank her I thought MY GOD I would never do this they stand for me and I tell them they are to be hit 3 times that is all.

    Since I have talked with the shrink she said not to it is not going to help with what is wrong with the oldest and to take things away I know this may work but I still feel sometimes a spanking is in order depending on what she did. I am unsure of what to do now and if I am letting the oldest down if I stick to what I said and if he does take custody and thing are the same that is he takes their side all the time then..... I don't know


    Anyone have opinion?? PLEASE


    Rhayden
     
  2. Mattemma

    Mattemma Overrun With Chickens

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    Move out.Get on your own with school and work.Do not beg,plead,and wait on spouse unless that is how you want to live.

    You can apply for legal guardianship of a non-relative.I would opt for that if I wanted to help a child,but not deal with the family drama. I am doing that with a child. It will be easier for me as he will be 14 next spring,and in Ohio a 14yo can petition the courts along with me for the change in guardianship.

    You allow people to take advantage of you.ALLOW is the key word.You can always say," I don't like this,and I am not going to tolerate it anymore."

    Think about what you really want and make it happen.The problems of others need not be your unless you want to make them you problems.

    Those pictures remind me of the Hoarders and Buried Alive shows I have been watching. Give ONE warning to clean up then bag it all up and throw it OUTSIDE.No warning after that just toss.

    If spouse does not support you then I would say," I love you but I am so done with living like this." Then I would leave.

    Best wishes whatever you decide to do!
     
  3. Henny peeny

    Henny peeny Chillin' With My Peeps

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    I told him that he needs to tell his daughter to get her poop together and to save up her cash or he needs to take custody of the kids and if by tax time this is the only time he can have the cash to do it I told him if he doesn't then I leave and we shook on it so I reckon no matter what help the kid need and no matter if I feel I am truning my back on her I need to just let it all go. The mother lives in LENOIR NC and the kids are with us I am not able to take either the court will not let me I have not income so sadly it can't happen. Her mother has messed her up and the talk with my husband last night I hope for him to do something he was to take custody the last time told all he was but didn't I expect this to go this time I feel this is the last time I am to do this but the child is 9 and her sister is 4 and I hate to to they will not get the help they need unless I am here. Feel I have did more then my share of course but can I just walk away is it right.

    Rhayden
     
  4. cassie

    cassie Overrun With Chickens

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    As long as you are taking care of things, nothing will change. Why should it? You are there to clean up the mess. Go. You can't fix it. If you are gone, hubby will have to step up to the plate. If he doesn't, call CPS.
     
  5. kidcody

    kidcody Overrun With Chickens

    Read the fine print in your marrage certificate I'm sure it doesn't say "put up with all of that" ! good luck, I feel for you!
     
  6. sourland

    sourland Broody Magician Premium Member

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    If it were my wife and I was allowing such things to go on, she would leave in a heart beat.


    GET OUT NOW!
     
  7. turney31

    turney31 Chillin' With My Peeps

    Sep 14, 2008
    palestine texas
    I would pack all of the daughters things and put them outside. Create a clean safe place for your grandkids. DO NOT ALLOW DAUGHTER BACK IN YOUR HOUSE! Tell your DH he has a month to step up or you are gone. If he doesn't....LEAVE! [​IMG]
     
  8. HeatherLynn

    HeatherLynn Chillin' With My Peeps

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    Kentucky, Cecilia
    I hate to say this but I would leave. Not only would I leave but I would be calling protective services. Your husband has literally created this living hades you and the kids are living in. He did so by setting up the environment she was raised in. He continues to encourage this bad behavior and the kids are already affected. There might be a chance in heck if something drastic changes now that these kids get help and maybe just maybe by the time they have kids this mess will be improved. Its too late to save them from trauma. It has already been inflicted. There is a very HUGE possibility the oldest is traumatized by much more than being bounced around and made to be the mom. Some very disturbing stories in that post.

    You cannot help these children in the situation your in though. The only help for them in escape. Its the same help you need. Very unhealthy for all concerned.
     
  9. Henny peeny

    Henny peeny Chillin' With My Peeps

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    THis mess the picture are taking a while back I wanted to show how this was when she was around, I try to stick to my word and I want to be there for the kids and yes if I was able to I would take the kids but when/if I leave I go back to PA when I am from and my father is not in good health and ny son was send back to take care of my mother (died in 2008) and father, mom lost the ability to walk and then not even stand and dad adidn't want to put her in a home but in the end this happened anyhow they are not able to money wise help me if I was to take the kids and the court will not let me take them unless I have a job. Yes I am concerned for these kids and yes I have been the driving force (LITERALLY) for them to get to doctors and whenever and once I am to leave what then. When I was back in PA the stress of my folks got me physically sick dad wanted to argue about everything and mom she didn't want a credit card so I canceled it then she tolf the to reinstate it and she said it was my fault and then having to pick mom up more then 20 times a day NO JOKE I am not ex zaz er rate depening on where she had to go it would be more. She had colitus so anytime she said she had to poo it was a mad rush. But from picking her up and dad and her at me the stress made me sick I told them I would be there come what may as I feel this with the kids but I didn't eat for three day at my folks and I was getting weaker and having trouble hold my mother up she was in depends. I left them and I felt much guilt and friend said what is more important your health or them I said I would be here come what may. I have a sisiter and I had called her to come out but she doesn't have the a.. I don't know she just doesn't seem to care I guess I told my father to hire someone till my sister got in IF swhe came in but he didn't . I had many times of crying and I felt I let them down.
    I know things can get bad but I try to keep what I said and I am to have guilt no doubt when I leave I reckon I like the kids they are good kids and Sam (the oldest girl Smanatha) she has had so much poop and had to be a little mama I feel really bad my husband thinks the girls should not return to their mother but he will let it be. Do you think some times it is a case that you just can't do anything to help them who ever it is and you have to walk away. let me explain I have many animals no they will not all come with me my husband will kiill them they are rabbits and chickens he paid for them and paid for food for them I know he will kill them humanely if they are given away I can't say how they will live maybe better but not everyone treats their animals right and you never can tell but I feel it is better then to let them starve to death with some one. I come across animals dog cats and wild animals but I can't take everyone in I try to take the realy hard luck cases but sometime I have to let nature take it course and walk away these kids are not a animal that has been hurt but the olest is crying for help I am torn because if I don't get help for this kid I don't know if she will get help forget being blamed for not being here by anyone else I know I need to pick up and go and can't take the kids with me I reckon I will have to have the pain and guilt for doing thie I have did all I can in the past. I just think I am gonna let the kid high and dry and I would hope not to

    Rock and a hard place huh? if I do I am darn if I don't I am still darn .

    Rhayden

    PSI plan to call or writer to Socail security and tell them of the money spent for the the one kid that it is not spent right and to have wefare know she is getting fo od stamps and not live in the right county maybe the kid will finally get the help they need. My husband doesn't have the time to care for these kids on his own he works 40 hours a week 5 days sometime 6 and sometimes it is long hours till 8 pm sometime not a lot I know this will make everyone mad but it is the right thing to do isn't it and the kids might have a better change you think?

    I reckon what I am trying to ask is am I letting the kids down if/when I leave?
     
    Last edited: Nov 17, 2011
  10. turney31

    turney31 Chillin' With My Peeps

    Sep 14, 2008
    palestine texas
    I understand the pain and guilt you feel but leaving and calling child protective services may be the very best you could do for these children. And YES it is ok to show tough love and let the chips fall where they may. There are many men in the world working a job taking kids to daycare. Doing it alone. Your husband could step up. How do you feel about your husband? Do you love him? Do you want your marriage to work? If yes, then you will have to be strong for the family.

    What I would do is stand my ground about what you will and will not accept. Daughter not allowed to stay in the house. Her stuff gone. Safe clean place for the grandkids. DH doing his part to help. Sometimes as parents and grandparents our needs are not near as important as DOING THE RIGHT THING for these kids. I'm going to Dr. Phil you...Somebody needs to be their HERO!

    As far as calling all the agencys and reporting her.... I think what I would do is go apply for the help you need and, if the kids are living with you, fill out the paperwork. Let the agency decide who is telling the truth. That way you don't look like a pot stirrer. Trouble maker. Daughter gets whats coming, if committing fraud. Money...help... goes to the financially supporting family.

    OK now for the animals. I would rehome them. Many more good people than bad and I believe every life has value.

    I just wanted to say, you sound like a very caring person. Take a deep breath! Slow steps. I will be praying for you and your family. I care! [​IMG]
     
    Last edited: Nov 18, 2011

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