I'm writing a story.

Discussion in 'Games, Jokes, and Fun!' started by DinosRBirds, Jul 31, 2011.

  1. DinosRBirds

    DinosRBirds Hunted by Moonlight

    Feb 1, 2011
    Lake Huron,MI
    [​IMG]2011[​IMG]
    Guardian Angel

    Ch.1

    The alarm rang and I got up.
    I was sweating.
    It had been hot and humid last night, and my pajamas were stuck to my skin. My hair was frizzy, and my blankets were soaked with sweat.
    I got up to wake up my vicery, Lena for school.
    Vicerys are the half human, half angel people angels have been sworn to watch over. They have the powers of nature, and they are a great addition to the angel community.
    This was Lena's last day of school and like all the other days, I woke her up.
    I went into the kitchen, and she followed, getting out the cheerios, and milk while I got the bowls and spoons.
    When we were done eating, we went to our rooms to dress.
    I wore jeans, and a t shirt as usual.
    She wore khakis, and a white t shirt with a khaki vest.
    She had her hair up in a ponytail, and a light brown scrunchy held it in place.
    She picked up her bookbag before we went out back to leave.
    "Are you ready, Jenna?" I asked my brunette friend, as I have been since I dropped her last week and almost broke her leg when she wasn't.
    She wasn't very happy about that incedent.
    "Yup." She said.
    As soon as I heard the word, I spread my wings, feeling the wind beneath them, picking up a draft, and her as well, being careful to avoid any human eyes.
    We flew over the human feilds quickly, and were near the school in no time.
    I came down through the trees, and landed ten feet from the clearing behind the high school where the students eat lunch.
    I watched Lena until she was inside, and then flew back up into the trees to wait for lunch period.
    When the students came out to eat, I watched for lena, and when she came out, I watched for any sign of trouble.
    All of a sudden, shooting pain covered my whole body.
    My mouth became very hard, and my legs and arms felt .... different
    The next thing I knew, I was falling off the branch i'd been sitting on. I tried to flap my wings, but they werent on my back anymore.
    As soon as I hit the ground, I was out cold and when I came to, I was surrounded by human faces, and the face of, of course Lena.
    "Liz?"Lena asked, suspecting it was me.
    I got up. How does she not know its me?Then I realized I was already standing, and wasn't even as tall as her, and she was sitting.
    I walked up to Lena, and cocked my head to look up at her. She whispered the word, "falcon," to me, and I couldn't believe it.
    She was telling me that I had turned into my spirit bird.
    Spirit birds are the birds of the angels. There is a different breed of spirit bird for each angel family. My family's spirit bird happens to be a falcon.
    She held out her arm, and I stepped onto it. Acting like a trained falcon.
    The humans acted as though they were entranced.
    One asked , "Why didn't you tell us you had a falcon?"
    To which Jenna responded, "I didn't. I just got her, James."
     
    Last edited: Mar 9, 2012
  2. Ec_Prokta

    Ec_Prokta Continuum Shift Anomaly

    Jan 14, 2009
    You're off to a good start.

    First: More description, and longer chapters. They're so very short!
    Second: Again, more description and take time to know your characters and their situations. Don't tell us how the angel's arms felt weird, tell us how the feeling coursed through her body like nothing she ever experienced, her arms suddenly going limp at the new sensation. Something like that.
    Third: More description. Describe the actions. Describe the characters.
    Fourth: Maybe give a name to your angel.
    Fifth: Tell us more about your characters through your book.
     
  3. DinosRBirds

    DinosRBirds Hunted by Moonlight

    Feb 1, 2011
    Lake Huron,MI
    .....
     
    Last edited: Jul 31, 2011
  4. DinosRBirds

    DinosRBirds Hunted by Moonlight

    Feb 1, 2011
    Lake Huron,MI
    ^
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    I honestly don't know what you meant is this better?
     
    Last edited: Jul 31, 2011
  5. Ec_Prokta

    Ec_Prokta Continuum Shift Anomaly

    Jan 14, 2009
    Somewhat... Here, I wrote a short story. It's far from perfect, but this is kind of what you should do when writing an actual story. Note the description, the dialogue, the relationship between my two characters... Try putting things like that in your stories.

    Rain poured down on the hunched shoulders of a tiny, long haired girl as she trudged throughout the horrid rainstorm surrounding her. The thick blanket of trees bent against the wind's sheer force, and they looked like they would almost fall over. The girl thought that it was a miracle she didn't get swept up and blown away to parts unknown. The downpour soaked through the girl's already muddy clothes, making the once frumpy white shirt stick to her like glue and the wide red pants wrap themselves around her stick-like legs. Her wild, never tamed black hair whipped around her face, and she leapt when an unusually loud rumble of thunder resounded in the forest. Her bare feet were soaked in mud, rain, and blood, and she whimpered as she stepped on a twig.

    "I should be away from them now..." The black haired girl shivered, her teeth chattering as she spoke the simple sentence. She collapsed at the base of a large tree, whose branches swayed in the wind to the point of nearly breaking. The girl gasped as she fished in her pocket. Her eyes blinked erratically as her trembling hand explored every inch of her pocket, finally coming up empty. "It dropped out... My crackers..." She stared at her empty hand, her eyes filling up with dread and fear.

    Her hand flopped back to the ground, and she slumped against the tree. Her deep brown eyes began to fill up with tears, as she stared into the dark abyss of the night, only lit up by a miracle of nature. "I don't want to die... Please, don't let me die..." She whimpered, her eyes slowly but surely beginning to close. The blurry picture of a larger girl with pigtails was all that accompanied her to her slumber.

    "Hey. Wake up."

    Daylight crept onto the black haired girl as she twitched before opening the chocolate colored pools of her eyes. Those eyes darted to and fro, revealing to her that she was laying in a small bed in a rundown shack. Pots and pans, as well as various fruits of harvest, hung from the ceiling. A small fire crackled in the middle of the shack, tended to by a familiar looking girl. Her pink pigtails bobbed up and down as she stirred the pot on the fire. The azure colored eyes focused themselves entirely upon whatever was inside the pot. She tapped her foot impatiently, and she looked up.

    "Oh good. I was worried you wouldn't make it. You were in pretty bad shape." The pink haired girl put down her wooden, scorched spoon and strolled to the girl in the bed. She put her hands on her hips and stared right into the other girl's eyes. "What in the world were doing out there? And what's your name, for that matter?"

    The other girl blinked and rubbed her eyes with the extended sleeve of her shirt. "I'm Lambdadelta, but everyone calls me Delta. Miss, what's your name?" She looked up at the pigtailed girl curiously.

    "Still haven't washed your shirt, you know! You could have gotten mud on your eye." She sighed, turning back to the pot. "I'm Bernkastel. Don't bother with the 'Miss' thing, all right?"
     
    Last edited: Jul 31, 2011
  6. <3ChickenForever

    <3ChickenForever Fire Is Catching

    10,910
    10
    271
    Feb 20, 2011
    WI
    Nice [​IMG]
     
  7. NixNoodleNumbat

    NixNoodleNumbat Chillin' With My Peeps

    Jan 1, 2011
    Australia
    I like it! Although there are a few things I noticed:
    • There were a few grammar errors(I don't think anyone else would notice it)
    • The chapter are very short.
    • There is definitely room to write more. Like some backstory.
    • Descriptive language.
    • Show how the angel feels and thinks a bit more.
    • Instead of 'my brunette friend', you could say 'my energetic brunette friend' or 'my loyal brunette friend'(You may not want to do this, it's just an idea)
    • Similies and metaphors are your friends!
     
  8. DinosRBirds

    DinosRBirds Hunted by Moonlight

    Feb 1, 2011
    Lake Huron,MI
    Quote:I know the chapters are short, but I was in a hurry.But if you look at it, the pages of this site are bigger than the pages of a book.
     
    Last edited: Aug 1, 2011
  9. FarmCoe

    FarmCoe Flock Mistress

    May 22, 2010
    Planet Earth
    It was a good start. But I think you need to focus more on their connection, and less on what they're wearing [​IMG]

    But like I said, good start. [​IMG]

    ETA: I agree with PK:

    Second: Again, more description and take time to know your characters and their situations. Don't tell us how the angel's arms felt weird, tell us how the feeling coursed through her body like nothing she ever experienced, her arms suddenly going limp at the new sensation. Something like that.​
     
    Last edited: Aug 1, 2011

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