In-Law Drama Update

[justbugged]

All I can say is WOW! It blows me away that she is able to continue to get away with behavior that is in the sociopathic area of behavior. No wonder that she thinks she is above the law, she is. As for your husband and FiL they must feel that there isn't much they can do, but keep her happy at any cost. I am not sure what you can do to change this. Is there anyway for you to leave the area where you live now. I don't think that without putting some distance between you and your MiL that you can change anything enough to make a difference. You have my deepest sympathy.

 

[Cetawin]

I wish I could give you The Answer but I can only tell you what I would do. I am an independent woman and I have suffered issues like this with my former MIL. She kidnapped my daughter, moved to another city and etc etc. It took me a week and a couple thousand dollars to find her and I had a warrnt for her arrest issued until she handed my daughter over!

Before her son and I divorced I put up with her mouth, her attitude and etc until she broke my one rule...do not mess with my children! My daughter was a 2 lb 10 ounce preemie and she came home at just under 4 lbs. The MIL stopped in, uninvited and wanted lunch so I went to the grocery store (having just had an emergency C-section but another long story for another time) and on my way out the door I said "Do not change the baby's clothes, she is still struggling with her body heat and she is not a doll". 20 minutes later I returned home and found my daughter in a different outfit with several others lying on the couch that had clearly been put on the child. I exploded and told her to get out...when my husband began to speak in her defense I told him to get up and go with her. He shut up and let his mother leave.

Only you can decide whom you allow near your child and whom you do not...even if it is a relative. That includes my husband...if he cannot adhere to my wishes for our child. My children come first...even before him, until they are much older...and infant or toddler - it is my call period.

But that is me dear lady. I wish you all the luck in the world with this because I know how difficult it can be.

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

Quote:
In your husband's defense, it is his child, too. Now making an assinine decision that could affect the child's health--no, but for having different wishes that do not have a direct impact on the child's health and well being? Yes, he has equal say. Ideally parents should respect each other's opinions sufficiently to talk about their different ideas and reach a compromise--either of the specific situation, or by each giving in when an issue is more important to the other.

 

[anbhean]

Oh lordie Cetawin, you just summed up my greatest fear... that someone would be crazy enough to actually try to kidnap their grandchildren. I mean, my MIL has threatened, but so far hasn't acted. The fact that she could is terrifying to me!

I'll just have to be very vigilant to keep my kids safe. I feel bad for them because they love their grandmother and don't understand how her behavior is toxic to them. They are young and think all her nutty behavior is "fun". So right now they are upset that grandma can't come and buy them toys and ice cream like she does. But you know, they'll just have to deal with it. Until she can get help, she cannot be around my kids. It's scary enough that the last time she visited she had my 7 year old daughter practically rabid and refusing to listen to us by the time she left because "Grandma says I don't have to listen to you and I can live with her!" Yeah... that's the kind of mental games this woman likes to play with CHILDREN!

As for the reply on counseling for myself and DH, we have and are currently seeing a counselor. In fact in the past 13 years we've seen 5 total, both as a couple and individually and almost 100% of what we discussed was the MIL sabotage and brain wash issue. And you know what? They all said the same thing... get that woman out of your life she is a sociopath and will harm you. But until my husband was ready to hear it... it fell on deaf ears. He would just say that they didn't know his mother and they were unfairly judging her. He was not ready to admit his mother was mentally ill. So he ignored it, just like she trained him to do.

I on the other hand was given some fairly cruddy options, let his mom play her games and control the impact the best I could for the sake of the man I love, my marriage and keeping my family together, or get divorced, loose my home, my marriage, my pets, and give her the opportunity to have open, unsupervised access to my children during the times my husband had them and I wasn't around. Because I knew my husband would move back home with his parents if we divorced, doing so would only give that insane woman exactly what she wanted-- my children. No way. No how. So, I chose the controlled chaos. And I think it was the right decision.

 

[justbugged]

I think that given your options, I would make the same decision. Another thought has occurred to me is tha,t your husband is accustom to ceding his will to a dominated woman. You then have to be the dominate, and saner woman in the game. You have the advantage in as much that your husband sleeps, with you rather than with his mother, so your influence should be stronger based off of that alone. So hold on to what you need, and if you have to put the pressure on to your DH so be it.