Is it Wrong to have a "Crush" on Someone if You Are Married?

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Beekissed

Free Ranging
13 Years
Feb 14, 2008
22,974
5,161
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This world is not my home.
CityGirl really hit the nail on the head about much of what I gathered from your posts also. She just put it more bluntly than most of us would have!
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I don't know about the stuff about your hubby and all but she is certainly correct on the grass on the other side of the fence.

Here are a few questions:

Is your husband a pretty good father to your children? If yes, you have something you will search for and never find "out there" where dreams really DO come TRUE.....NOT.
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He appears to be a go getter and actually brings the money home. You most likely won't find that "out there".

Does he use money on beer, carousing all night at the local bar, his things and interests? No? If not, and he brings it home and uses it on keeping you and the kids in food, clothing and shelter~well, he's aces in that regard. You probably won't find that out there either after the first several dates.

I'm here to tell you that the life of a single mother on the prowl for someone to make her happy is a dead end job. Its hard, exhausting, defeating and never ending. You will lie awake at night crying, desparately trying to figure out how to juggle the bills and still feed your children. Not to mention that job already has many, many other women, younger and prettier than you, competing for the same Prince Charming.

I still recommend the movie "Fireproof"...it has a great little method about how to get your marriage back to where it used to be.

I'm no expert on marriage...I picked a real dud that wouldn't work, drank all the time, was emotionally abusive and treated me like I was nothing special. I didn't stay and have worked long and hard to support my three children without the niceties of life like child support. If you are looking for pampering "out there" it may be a long hard drive to the spa, hon.

Look at that man again....put all the pros of what he is on one side of a sheet of paper and the cons on the other. If the pros are more than the cons, try some love and compassion towards him.

Treat him just like you want to be treated. Get up with him in the mornings and fix him breakfast, pack his lunch~put a sweet note in it. When he comes home at night have supper on the table, the house cleaned, the children clean and ready for bed and fix your face and hair. Smell nice. Smile and hug him when he comes through the door. Rub his back and his feet while he watches the TV. Try to live sparingly, save money, try to help keep the household expenses down. Be the best darn wife you could possibly be and see if this yields anything.

Keep this up and wait calmly. Oh...and the most important part? Pray.
 

agnes_day

Songster
11 Years
Aug 29, 2008
3,183
7
211
oklahoma
you are perfectly normal to feel this way..i will be brave and admit to having these thoughts from time to time...and it was usually because i was unhappy with a bigger issue..of course i dealt with it and all was well, but dont beat yourself up over it, you are just trying to cope with a difficult situation and if it gets you through, then dont beat yourself up over it!!
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Eggs4Sale

Songster
10 Years
Jun 29, 2009
4,121
12
211
I think it's obvious you're not going to do anything with the 'crush' guy. You're thinking wonderful things about him that are likely not true, projecting your desires onto him. You know you'd be utterly disappointed in him if you ever spent any time with him. The crush will fade. I prmoise. BUT it may move to somebody else.

The reason your husband won't go to counseling with you, but will go alone, is because he is lying to the counselor to make YOU look like the ogre (or they're talking football) so he doesn't have to actually DO anything. Taking responsibilty is humbling. You said he hasn't grown up. People that haven't grown up do NOT expect to go to counseling and do work to change themselves. They expect everyone around them to change everything about THEMSELVES to accomodate their own irresponsible behavior. It is true that people treat you how exactly how you LET them treat you. With that said, know that he does not respect you, because he would not treat you this way if he did. I'm not saying he has never respected you, nor that he never will. But right now, to be honest, he doesn't give a sh**.

Dr. Laura and others here are stating that dating him and lavishing attention on him will work wonders. It sure is hard to feel warm towards somebody like that, though. In fact, it feels downright degrading, doesn't it? So here's my 2 cents. Read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura, give it your all for a month or so, and if he still sucks as bad as he does now, you know you tried. IF there is no improvement, be prepared to 'man up'. Or at least decide if you are willing to, knowing that 'crush guy' is not an option.

It CAN work. It depends on how much HE wants to keep you and the kids.
Was he that good before you married? Or was he sloth light?
 

Blackbird

Songster
10 Years
Jan 31, 2009
1,260
3
159
MN
I wonder how many people have actually read through this entire thread and read the posts?
I'm going to point out that she has said she's felt this way for around two years, I believe it said. Not just a couple months.

Now, we can only provide help or guidance on what we have read, and assume that it is correct and truthful. What would she gain by lying about it? She is obviously not looking for support on LEAVING her husband. No, not at all.

I've read through, and this is what I see;

A woman who has, for the most part, stayed the same person since marriage, except added some good qualities (mothering, maturity, etc.) I see a woman who, really, is still in her youth and wants to be happy (as everyone does), who wants to feel alive and loved on occasion. And who has always wanted to feel this way. And has felt this way before. This woman has worked outside of the home, AND is working within the home, all while parenting, which is a full time job in itself, I'm sure everyone agrees. I see someone who has poured their soul into their family.

Now, I see a husband who does work full time, yes he is run down, yes he is tired. Yes he brings most of the money home, currently. Yes, he does provide that support and security, financially. He appears to be completely drained out from working, and has changed as a result. He has become reserved, inactive, etc. he no longer gives that attention to his wife, plays with the kids. And he also appears to refuse to meet halfway on a lot of this.

Does NO ONE see ANYTHING wrong with this???? I am flabbergasted by some of the replies.


Yes, he works. Guess what, so does she! She is most likely just as tired as he is at the end of the day. From what we have read, she is still the same loving wife when she married him. There certainly doesn't seem to be any lack on her part. There does, however, appear to be on his. and some of you are telling her to do MORE?
He is slacking in what their marriage used to be, so she has to do MORE to get that back? When she's already doing more??

A marriage *should* be 50/50, as should parenting. They both require equal parts from each person. Yes, everyone needs a little down time after a hard day at work. But should someone who has been working most of the day need to pamper someone who, likewise, had a hard day, but feels they are superior thus deserving it, for nothing in return? I don't think so. And that is what I am seeing, in this relationship, from what you have told us, Chickie Mamma.

It seems that money can actually buy happiness, but it rarely buys love. And in a good love, the paycheck rarely matters.

Yes, I agree that happiness is about perspective and frame of mind, but should a person change the way they've always felt to gain that happiness? I'm not sure.

I'll admit, I am biased, but I also think that a majority of these posted from people are biased, so take all of this with a grain of salt.

Personally, growing up with a mother that worked full time, did all of the outside work, inside work, and parenting alone, WHILE having a father who worked somewhat sparingly in comparison, with none of that love from him.. Well, just think of the example it is setting for the kids. Do not stay JUST because it is a marriage, stay because it is what you want, if that is, in fact, what you want. And do not be afraid to leave because it is a marriage, either.

So really, I have no advice, just all this rambling a perspective above, but I will give you hugs.
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Eggs4Sale

Songster
10 Years
Jun 29, 2009
4,121
12
211
Okay, what Blackbird said is everything I WANTED to say, and it's everything that Chickie Mamma is actually feeling. But I have to be politically correct and not say "Off the bum".
 

TyrannosaurusChix

Songster
9 Years
Jul 13, 2010
615
1
119
Savannah, NY
Quote:
Whoa... First of all, I am just looking for some helpful opinions.

My opinion was helpful as it put you in his position, clearly you didn't like it.

From another post of yours

" Its been 2 years that we have started to have issues and I have not said anything until a couple months ago. And, physically, I HAVE turned back into the woman he married. The only other difference then when we got married is now I am a mother. "

So basically what you are saying is that NOW he knows how you feel about his 60 pounds. You say it took you a while to lose the 20..why wouldnt it take him a while to lose the 60.. when HE is ready, not when you say to jump? Also, you have over a year and a half of this situation under your belt, and he has only known something was seriously wrong for a few months, and as you say he works alot and provides. Men go into overdrive and get into a daily grind.. sad but true.

[quote0Yes, he does know that the 60 pounds gained since marriage has put a strain on our physical situation. I've always lost weight after every pregnancy because I didn't want HIM to look at me this way. I think everyone lets themselves go a bit once married. But I've always tried, and by no means do I look like a model (I am not looking to be like that). I want to be healthy and fit and able to keep up with my kids. I don't want to huff and puff while playing frisbee with the kids etc. When we got married, he was a size 28 waist, I was a 7/8. Now... he is a 38 waist and I am now 7/8 but after pregnancy, I did go up to a 10. Its a BIG difference. And what is wrong with finally feeling good about the way I look and feel? I worked very hard to feel better about myself, and there are no other "dudes". Just one that has sparked my attention. I don't think thats so bad for almost 12 years of marriage. Are you the type of person that when a friend comes up to you and says they lost 20 pounds, do you look at them and say they still look like crap? Wow, don't ever work for a suicide hotline.​

I never said you looke dlike crap, and the contrary... i am a very good friend - but if you were my close friend i would tell you that either you need to leave your marriage before you do anything but i would also tell my friend its better to lay cards on the table than put yourself, your husband and your kids through a bunch of stuff before finally letting true feelings come out and a resolution be found through a bunch of drama when TALKING is quite frankly an answer to a lot of things.

I wasnt trying to blast you at all. Are you the type of friend that tells her friend she is right in every situation even if you don't think she is?​
 

booker81

Redneck Tech Girl
9 Years
Apr 18, 2010
1,929
112
183
Mid-MI
Ok, just read the whole thing....and the only thing I'm not seeing here is "We sat down/stood in the yard/drove in the car and had a long talk/argument/screaming session and I told him everything how I felt, and he told me a lot of things I didn't realize."

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I've only been married for 3 years, we've been friends for about 8 years, together for 5 years. Only one kiddo. I think our best quality is communication, and it's what makes us close and happy.

We get stressed, resentful, PMS-y (I swear men PMS every three months or so). We will let the resentment build for a few days, maybe a week, then it's time to haul out the garbage and sort it. Sometimes it's a calm discussion in the car on the way to the cabin (hour and a half drive). Sometimes it's a semi drunk brawl in the front yard (no violence or abuse, just loud and honest. BS has no place in those brawls, and that is one of our best qualities - we argue fair). Either way, we lay it all out out, lay out why we are hurting and why we are unhappy right then. MANY times, every time, he tells me something I never even realized I was doing. Many times, I've misunderstood his words or actions. We sort it out, figure it out, apologize and make our own personal changes as needed. After that, the garbage is sorted and gone, nothing more to be done, and it's back on the road of being loved, appreciated and comfortable. That hour of ugly usually only happens after months of good, but that release keeps us from bottling it and holding onto the garbage until it's just too much to deal with.

My parents have been married for 30 years. They have gone through some serious issues - things that most marriages can't make through. They communicate, they talk, they brawl it out verbally, and then they throw out the trash and forgive. They had a few hard, hard years, but now, coming on their 30th next month, they are more in love than most couples I know.

It sounds to me there is a whole lot of garbage stored up, and no sorting going on. I'm not you, I'm not there, and I can't tell you how to sort it out with him, but I think the clear thing I'm getting is there is very little communication going on, and no communication of needs/wants for both of you. I can't tell you how to help him open up, but he is your spouse, and you need to help him open up to you. It probably isn't going to feel good - he's probably got a lot of garbage stored up too - and it's going to hurt like mad. However, if he came on here and read everything here, I imagine he'd be pretty hurt too.
 
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