Is she mean to me on pourpous? (CALLING ALL MOM'S Advice needed)

Mrs. Green Thumbs

9 Years
Apr 2, 2010
Santa Maria, California
She was never around when I was growing up unless it was because she couldn't pay her rent and had to move back in with my Grandma or because she was tearing me away from home to punish Grandma for pissing her off. That never lasted long though before she was kicking me out into the streets of a strange city hundred's of miles away from home. Her drugs and friends and singing "career" was always more important than I was and above all else she was numero uno on her list. The hard part was that she was number one on my list too. I catered to her, when she came down with a bad flu bug I got up at 6 or 7 years of age and made her soup and fed her in bed and missed school to be there for her, when I caught the same strain she was gone. Out dating some guy or partying. There was always worse, she did, always something that she could use to cut me to the bone with her words. When my father died I was uprooted in order to help take care of her because her ex BF had died a week earlier. Now it's all my fault according to her that he died (the ex bf)... there was so much I can't even begin to explain it all. Now that she in her late 40's and I in my late 20's she has suddenly decided we need to connect and be closer, and in order for that to happen I have to change.

I always knew she resented my weight. She would make me call her Blue (her stage name) in public so people didn't think I was her daughter because "Your so big they will never believe you came from me". Then one day years ago she had a dream, supposedly where she had a vision that I lost all my weight and was dressed in all white and I was finally pretty. Because "you could be so pretty if you would just lose that weight.." was her favorite "compliment". Then a year ago she tried bribing me with a car, now this morning I get a call from her saying she will offer to pay for a plane ticket for me to go visit my 96 YO great grandmother but I ...and I quote

"if you get your act to gather and lose some weight I'll buy you a ticket to go see nana.... not trying to be rude or anything but I won't pay for 2 ticket's for you just because your so big and she is 96 you know, she won't be around for very much longer"

Does she know she's being cruel? Usually she's vicious when provoked or if she's disagreed with. I just don't understand how she can think that is an ok statement... Am I just being too sensitive? I tend to be a very emotionally open person and my feeling's get hurt VERY easily. Sorry for the whinyness.... I don't have many friends and my family tends to talk amongst them selves.... I don't want to tell the DH about it either otherwise he would get defensive of me and say something nasty about her and I would get defensive because... she's my mom...
You are not being overly sensitive. It sounds like your mom is a very selfish person, and I commend you for surviving the childhood that you were forced to endure. Her cruel words stem from her own selfishness. What you need to do is very firmly tell her "Mom, if you can't accept me as I am and stop trying to change me, then I don't need you in my life. I am who I am. My weight does not define me or make me less of a person. Either accept me as I am, or stay away." Sounds harsh, but she needs to stop being so selfish. If you're happy with who you are, and your husband is happy with who you are, then your mom needs to grow up and stop thinking of only herself. I can't imagine that she's so stupid that she wouldn't know that she is hurting you. It doesn't sound like she's dumb at all, just extremely selfish. She hasn't been much of a mother to you throughout your life. You're a strong, beautiful woman, and you DON'T need that kind of negativity in your life now, as an adult. I grew up with a somewhat different kind of abuse, but I made sure that it did not define who I am as a person, and I made darn sure that the cycle of abuse stopped with me. I NEVER wanted my kids to go through what I went through as a child. Take a deep breath and think about the kind of people you want in your life. Think about how those people will influence your children (not sure if you have any yet, but they'll be there eventually, right?). Is your mother the kind of person you want around your kids? What if one of them is overweight? She will continue the cycle of abuse, I guarantee it, unless you stop it now. I don't want to bring you down, but it's a fact. People that abuse are hard pressed to stop. They need therapy. Maybe you can suggest that to your mom? Or suggest that you go together? It's an option. Is your mom over her drug problems? That's another thing you need to take into consideration. I wish you luck in life. Don't let your mom get you down. You're a beautiful person inside and out, and it's a shame your mother is too selfish to see your true beauty.
It sounds like you have done well for yourself DESPITE a difficult childhood and unsupportive mother. Not to be forward, but have you considered counseling? It might help you to talk about your past with someone professionally. It should also help you see that you are better than this and don't deserve to be brought down to her level.

Good luck and lots of
Yes, your mother is being rude. One of the drawbacks of having a crappy mother is learning to be loyal to people that do not deserve your loyalty. I'm sorry this is happening to you.


I am reading a book "Women, food and God " that deals with alot of mother/food issues. The insights this woman offers into our relationships with our mothers and how they effect so many parts of our lives is amazing.
Sounds to me that she is immature and self centered. That doesn't mean she is trying to be mean, just that everything is about her.
I would not accept a gift, plane ticket etc with strings attached, that is her way of trying to control you. You have every right to be upset, I do not think you are to sensitive. I do think we all have a basic need to be loved by our mother, unfortunatlly mothers are people with their own issues that often conflict with their childs needs. If a friend of yours was in this position, what advice would you give them? Sometimes that is what I have to ask myself in order to find an answer. Trust your heart I am sending good vibes your way.
You didn't choose your mom, you can try to ignore her comments or just block her out of your life. You have your own family and in a while she will come crying that she has nobody, you on the other hand will have a loving family. Some people need a swift kick in the butt, your older and not a kid time to cut some strings for your sanity.
As a young woman who survived a distructive and hateful mother I can say the happiest moment I had in dealing with her was the day I said..."I am done!" I gathered up all my strength and thought of myself and well being for the first time. I told her I loved her but if she couldn't/wouldn't accept me for the person I was, then I didn't need to know her anymore.

She told me to go can guess. That was over a year ago. I havent heard from her since. To be honest, this has been the best and calmest year of my life. No more midnight calls from her crying that she has spent all her money and its everyone elses fault but hers. No more blaming me for all the troubles in her life. No more screaming that she is out of her pain meds and I need to call her in more (Im a nurse) and no more hate!!! I am free and happy.

My best advise: Love yourself regardless of her view of you. Your view of yourself is more precious then hers....remember that!!!

Be proud of yourself and what you have accomplished in your life. Parents are supposed to love unconditionally...sadly some never got that message.
I'll tell you the same thing I've told my own wife about her weight.

If you're happy with yourself, and healthy then your weight doesn't

Never, Never, NEVER let someone belittle you.

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