Is there any way to tell her this??

Discussion in 'Family Life - Stories, Pictures & Updates' started by I have WHAT in my yard?, Jul 6, 2011.

  1. I have WHAT in my yard?

    I have WHAT in my yard? Chillin' With My Peeps

    Jun 24, 2008
    Eggberg, PA
    I have a good friend who is in her 40s. She stinks at relationships. I mean really.

    One of the things she has done over and over is this: they have an argument of some sort they're usually trivial. He leaves for whatever reason and she CANNOT leave it alone.

    Last BF they argued in part because he got an emergency call from work and had to leave. It was an emergency. (I even understood the size of the emergency which I tried to explain to her.) He argued with one of her friends. He was a bit of a jerk to the friend. but nothing serious. So he leaves to deal with the emergency and she calls and texts him ALL night saying they need to talk about this now.

    I told her, yes this needs to be discussed. But he was AT WORK dealing with a serious emergency. The squabble with your friend was trivial. Let it go. Deal with it the next day or even the day after that.

    He does not need you calling him day and night over this stuff. Give him space to calm down.

    Natch, by morning he tells her to take a hike.

    Last BF, same thing she goes to his house banging on his door because he is trying to avoid her. I tell her give him some space to calm down. She says that only lets things fester. You need to get it out and deal with it right away.

    She tells me I don't know anything about relationships. [​IMG] She is single and I have been married for 15 years.

    She's a good friend, but I cannot think of any way to tell her more clearly to chill out.....
     
  2. Mattemma

    Mattemma Overrun With Chickens

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    Her past experiences with relationships should be evidence enough that it is HER and not others that is causing issues.She would benefit from the counsel of a professional to help her learn how to interact better with others.Thing is though,like additction,she needs to admit the problem and want help. I might tell her that her behavior is causing issues in her relationship,and then I would probably cut her off(change subject) whenever she starts her complaining.People like this can be draining.
     
  3. Chickerdoodle13

    Chickerdoodle13 The truth is out there...

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    I agree with Mattemma. She certainly has issues and chances are she will not realize it even if you say something. People that suffer from problems like this are often in denial about the issue and just cannot comprehend that their behavior is wrong.

    What I would probably do is change the subject when she brings it up. This sort of behavior isn't even worth your time in trying to solve because no matter what you say she will not be able to agree!
     
  4. KDailey

    KDailey Crazy Cochin Lady

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    Jun 27, 2011
    Bronson, Tx
    I would hope that she would eventually figure it out break up after break up.

    Most of my friends are this way and skip from boyfriend to boyfriend to boyfriend and I'm the only one who has consistantly stayed with the same guy for going on two years and we're planning getting married. I try and try to talk to my friends about their relationship problems but they NEVER listen and just keep doing it.

    As mean as it sounds, I just stopped listening to them when they started talking about their relationships. Eventually they figured out I wasn't paying attention and when they asked me why I wasn't listening I would say, "Every one of your relationships ends the exact same way. Why should I listen to the same story over and over." They'd argue for a minute that their relationships weren't all the same and then when I listed off how each of their relationships ended and they were indeed all very similar they realized that I was right.

    It didn't necessarily fix the problem completely but at least they realized what was going on and they did at least try more than they were
     
  5. Squishy

    Squishy Chillin' With My Peeps

    Feb 2, 2011
    Florida
    Ack.. Well if you've already hinted to her that you don't really agree with her on her personal issues, theres not much else to do. Her personal life is her business even if she talks to you about it, and if she doesn't want to take the hint, she'll just have to learn on her own. If you are sick of hearing about it all, you could just tell her that her way of managing her personal life gets on your nerves and you don't want to talk about it anymore... or if it is encroaching too much on your life you can tell her you don't want to be friends anymore... But it IS her personal life and she's not likely to change it just because a friend tells her to. [​IMG]
     
  6. punk-a-doodle

    punk-a-doodle Chillin' With My Peeps

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    Apr 15, 2011
    It sounds like you have already given her advice (ie. Stop banging on the door and chill"). You can suggest that she see a therapist to help her find greater peace, but my guess is she will not take up the offer as several relationships ending in fights have not lead to an epiphany on her part. You can not force change in her. What you can do is say, "I am not getting involved in this" and walk out when drama happens, or say "I can give you my opinion" for as long as you are willing to repeat yourself.
     
  7. I have WHAT in my yard?

    I have WHAT in my yard? Chillin' With My Peeps

    Jun 24, 2008
    Eggberg, PA
    Well, it just dawned on me that I was being as bad as her. I am doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. Its been so many years of bad relationships but only the last few have been SO clear! But, I have suggested counseling to her many many times an she refuses. Once a boyfriend actually got her to go to couples counseling but he was so messed up and the counselor turned out to be pretty bad... [​IMG] Now there is no way in Hades she'll go.

    She is serving as a good role model for my daughters in what NOT to do in your relationships! [​IMG] My DD heard part of the drama an said to me "Put down the phone!! Tell her to put down the phone!" Meaning stop calling the guy already!! I was rolling.... [​IMG]
     
  8. chicmom

    chicmom Dances with Chickens

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    Strasburg Ohio
    Trust me, you will be speaking to deaf ears, because your friend will not listen, and she will probably never learn. And she will just get mad at you, no matter how tactfully and gently you try to tell her.

    I have a friend who is just so demanding and self centered. Don't get me wrong, she's a good person, but she wants put up on that pedestal, and she's 43 years old now and has never been married. She's also really jealous. She just can't help it. She is just so harpy....I've seen her date the nicest guys and eventually, they just can't take another minute of her demanding, bossy ways, and they break up, often times they will end up fighting, physically!

    It is sad, because she just doesn't understand why things NEVER work out. Now, she got pregnant when she was 40 and had identical twin girls, and she'll never marry babydaddy, they broke up before the twins were born because she drove him nuts (he was a jerk too though).

    So my point is, unless she asks you, don't bother.......

    I know it's totally frustrating! [​IMG]
     
  9. redhen

    redhen Kiss My Grits... Premium Member

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    Western MA
    Let her deal with it herself...
    Shes an adult, you cant change her at this point
    Shes one of those females that feed on the drama...
     
  10. Ceilismom

    Ceilismom Chillin' With My Peeps

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    Apr 21, 2010
    NW South Dakota
    I have WHAT in my yard? :

    Well, it just dawned on me that I was being as bad as her. I am doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. Its been so many years of bad relationships but only the last few have been SO clear! But, I have suggested counseling to her many many times an she refuses. Once a boyfriend actually got her to go to couples counseling but he was so messed up and the counselor turned out to be pretty bad... [​IMG] Now there is no way in Hades she'll go.

    She is serving as a good role model for my daughters in what NOT to do in your relationships! [​IMG] My DD heard part of the drama an said to me "Put down the phone!! Tell her to put down the phone!" Meaning stop calling the guy already!! I was rolling.... [​IMG]

    I started to point that out yesterday, but just couldn't hit the "submit" button. I have had friends just like her, and the only thing I could change was the amount of time I spent around them. About once a year works well for me. They still continue their insanity, but I don't have the heartache of watching them do it.​
     

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