Last chance to visit my estranged childhood home after father’s passing...conflicted

[77horses]

Hi all,
A little over a year ago my father passed away due to health complications. We’d been estranged for several years because he had borderline personality disorder and was verbally/sometimes physically abusive to my siblings, mom and I growing up. When my mom left him, I broke off contact between us for my own wellbeing. For years I felt selfish for doing so. He told me I abandoned him. I didn’t see or speak to him for years. This was incredibly difficult to go through as a teenager at the time. Before he died a year ago, I visited him one last time in the hospital to say goodbye. I don’t know if it was to comfort him or myself, but it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do in my young adult life. Still, I needed closure, and I don’t regret it.

Now, his abandoned house- the house I grew up in- just sold and is going to be completely gutted and renovated by a contractor who I don’t know. Despite the bad memories there, I still feel a strong connection for the good memories that also happened there. It wasn’t all bad. I loved that house. It’s where I found peace and solace in the trees and land surrounding it when times were bad. It’s where my dad introduced me to raising backyard chickens over 10 years ago, where my childhood best friends used to live across the street. For years I’ve longed to go back and visit it one last time; I’m not sure why exactly, maybe to say goodbye or find some closure...I have recurring dreams about it, always nightmares.

Tomorrow is my last chance to visit. It’ll likely be the last time I ever go there. I find myself conflicted because it’s going to be incredibly hard for me to see it in its current condition, and to relive all the memories that happened there. I haven’t been there in several years, and I’ve heard it’s in terrible condition. Part of me thinks it might be best to forget about it once and for all, to not subject myself to the emotional pain of being in that place. But part of me also longs to say goodbye, and I wonder if seeing it in its current condition will help me realize that it’s no longer the home I once knew, and maybe that would help me move on. I feel like there’s a reason I keep having recurring nightmares there, as if I have unfinished business and the only way to stop them is to face my emotional trauma. I don’t want to regret not going, but I also don’t want to subject myself to that pain if it’s unnecessary.
I guess I’m just looking for some advice on what I should do. I know I’m the one who needs to make the final decision. But any insight would be much appreciated.
Thank you.

 

[Trimurtisan]

I'm sorry you've been faced with this. I'm currently going through something similar. It's not a childhoo home, but it is something dear to me I've been avoiding due to the death of my best friend. To be honest though, I don't feel like I have the strength to do it. What I can say is it's tearing me up inside, and I already regret not going sooner.

Whatever you do, just make sure it's not something you'll regret later. You can always go and deal with the negative emotions it brings up, but if you decide not to go, you can't take it back.

I wish you the best of luck on your decision today.

 

[77horses]

I'm sorry you've been faced with this. I'm currently going through something similar. It's not a childhoo home, but it is something dear to me I've been avoiding due to the death of my best friend. To be honest though, I don't feel like I have the strength to do it. What I can say is it's tearing me up inside, and I already regret not going sooner.

Whatever you do, just make sure it's not something you'll regret later. You can always go and deal with the negative emotions it brings up, but if you decide not to go, you can't take it back.

I wish you the best of luck on your decision today.

Thank you, I’m sorry you’re going through a similar situation.
I’ve decided to go and visit the house one last time. I’ve been told there are some family belongings there- photos, videotapes, etc. that will be junked if not claimed. So at least that’s one good reason to face my emotions and get it over with. But I’m hoping that seeing the house in its current shape- deteriorated, mostly empty- will help me disassociate it from the childhood memories I have and realize that it’s not the same house anymore. Maybe it’ll stop the recurring nightmares. We’ll see.
Best of luck with your decision as well. I’ve always said to never make decisions based purely on anxiety (I’ve missed out on a lot of opportunities in the past because I’d freak myself out/let my worst-case-scenario-thoughts get the best of me), especially if it means something really important to you.

 

[Trimurtisan]

Thank you, I’m sorry you’re going through a similar situation.
I’ve decided to go and visit the house one last time. I’ve been told there are some family belongings there- photos, videotapes, etc. that will be junked if not claimed. So at least that’s one good reason to face my emotions and get it over with. But I’m hoping that seeing the house in its current shape- deteriorated, mostly empty- will help me disassociate it from the childhood memories I have and realize that it’s not the same house anymore. Maybe it’ll stop the recurring nightmares. We’ll see.

I hope your able to find some peace in your decision. Hopefully you have somebody you can take with you to be a support. I know you no clue who I am, but you can feel free to reach me privately if you have the need for a chat.

 

[sourland]

Glad that you are going to visit the old home. Sometimes the demons need to be faced and replaced with the good memories. You have made the choice that I would have made. Let the good memories win.

@Trimurtisan

 

[drumstick diva]

My sister and I once went back to our family home in a major city. We found the neighborhood covered in gang graffiti and barely recognized the old place. Thankfully that made it much, much easier to get over it. We were afraid to ever go back.

 

[77horses]

Thank you all for the words of support. I ended up deciding to go back. As predicted, it was very sad and emotional. The place was just as I had remembered it beneath all the trash and dust. But I’m glad I made the decision to go back because I was able to recover old photos and family mementos that I didn’t even know were still there (which would have otherwise Been destroyed). Also, I ended up making some new, happy(er) memories there because I brought my fiancé and was able to show him a huge part of my childhood that- despite the dark areas- meant a lot to me and made me who I am today. I showed him the places I used to play, the trees I used to climb (which still had etchings in them), etc...
Again thank you all for the comments.

 

[Aubjava]

Thank you all for the words of support. I ended up deciding to go back. As predicted, it was very sad and emotional. The place was just as I had remembered it beneath all the trash and dust. But I’m glad I made the decision to go back because I was able to recover old photos and family mementos that I didn’t even know were still there (which would have otherwise Been destroyed). Also, I ended up making some new, happy(er) memories there because I brought my fiancé and was able to show him a huge part of my childhood that- despite the dark areas- meant a lot to me and made me who I am today. I showed him the places I used to play, the trees I used to climb (which still had etchings in them), etc...
Again thank you all for the comments.

77horses, I am wishing you much peace and strength. I hope your next chapter with your fiancé is brighter and happier than your past.

I just read your post from back in 2008/2009 when your dad was patiently assisting your chick, Oreo, get out of her (his) egg. You were requesting help from BYCers regarding what to do and chronicling your efforts in a BYC thread. Your post has been very helpful to me this evening as I am currently trying to help a malpositioned chick hatch.

As I read through your post from all those years ago, I marveled at your father's tenderness toward Oreo and the patience and determination both of you had. Maybe the way you described his actions in those old posts reflects more your own kindness and tenderness than it does his. However, throughout life, I've realized that even people who have done great harm to others can hold love in their hearts and demonstrate kindness and compassion at times.

In 2015, I became very close friends with a man in his early 70s who had spent 16 years in prison for attempting to kill his wife in the 1990s. His son and ex-wife had not spoken to him since (as you might imagine). He profoundly regretted his crime and thought about his estranged family on a daily basis, right up until the day he died. It was his deepest shame and regret. While the crime was a pivotal portion of his life story, it didn't completely define him or represent who he had become by the time I met him. To me, he was brilliant and interesting and kind. He became a sort of grandfather figure in my life, doing all the sweet things that grandfathers do for their grand-daughters. I sometimes felt like he worked extra hard to treat me well because of the years he spent as a poor father and husband. We became very close, and I was at his bedside when he passed away in 2018.

All of this is just to say, I hope you are able to hold onto some of the good memories of your father, too - despite all the bad ones. The way he treated your family was not right, and sounds like it was even cruel at times. But maybe there were also moments of light in the darkness...like the time the two of you worked together to save Oreo's life. Those memories were real, too. And it is ok to remember them fondly... it doesn't diminish the bad things or mean that you forgive him.