As I go back to work tomorrow,, I'm not as happy as I normally am at the beginning of the year. I guess in my mind I've made the decision I'll be leaving here as soon as I get the money together to take care of things, so psychologically speaking I'm already leaving in my mind. My administration has let me down, I no longer love the school I work at,, but I still love the kids. I can love the students anywhere though, that won't change, my love of helping the students. Last night and today I got a rude awakening that has been weighing me down, my heart is heavy, my mind can't wrap around the things I've learned in less that 24 hours. March 19, 2009 a wonderful friend who had been living in Oregon killed himself. His family didn't know how to contact me so they contacted my ex husband to tell me what had happened, he never told me. I found out last night on Facebook because his little sister found me there. I asked how her family was doing, I was afraid she would be telling me her mother had died sometime because she's been fighting a brain cancer that started as a melanoma on her shoulder and has had many, many, surgeries and treatment on her brain. No, her mother is still alive, but Joe, my friend, her brother, killed himself. I missed the memorial in El Paso because my ex didn't see fit to tell me. Joe's family had turned on me like a nest of vipers when I divorced Ken, all but Joe, and Dawn his little sister. Last time I saw her she was 12, now she's a mother, 27, and living in NM. She had been afraid to contact me, not knowing how I would react to hearing from them, I told her she was a child and I have no hard feelings towards her, so she called me and we talked for a long time. I found out things that have happened with my ex in the last few years that really shocked me, but upon a little online research, she was proven to be telling the truth. My ex has been arrested for embezzling money from two older women he has always told me and Steven he was helping out because they needed it. He was also helping them out of a lot of money and was stupid enough to have them make out checks to him and he cashed them. He wrote in the corner is was for "work". Several thousand dollars of "work" evidently. I had questioned him last year as to how he got the money to go to Steven's graduation from Basic,, that whole nightmare of a tow truck towing him across several states,, a lot of money,, he said he'd done a big job and was paid cash for it. Two months after I got back from Steven's graduation I had several calls from the El paso County Jail on my caller ID. They make a lot of crank calls from there, just picking numbers out of a phone book so I never answered them. It was probably him because that was how long ago he was arrested. When he was out of contact with Steven for 3 months,, it was because he was in jail. I was filled in how he had moved Joe's mom into a trailer with the other older woman he was helping so she would have company, I was also told about a restraining order filed by the APS in Texas against him to keep him away from both women and how now Dawn has control over her mother's accounts and business. I really didn't want to believe he would stoop so low, but he hasn't held a job since he went AWOL from the NM Guard in 1994, but he's always had a little money in his pocket, I assumed it was his allowance from the woman who has supported him all those years. Dawn told me they had recouped $7500 from an inheritance Ken got last year, I have no idea who died, but the government grabbed it right away and split it between the two women's estates. The only reason he isn't in jail is the same Dr. that has given him letters to say he can't work because of his heart attack and Crohn's disease has given the same evidence to the courts to show why he can't work to pay back the rest of the money he owes the women. It breaks my heart to think that he has fallen that far, that he chose the easy way out, the illegal way out, while I've driven myself crazy trying to support myself and Steven. I forgave him last year, for the lack of child support and contact with Steven, because I just can't deal with that on my mind anymore. Now I find out he had the money to pay it, it was ill-gotten, but he had it. Steven and I have had problems recently, I've mentioned that, I've tried not to harp on it, but one of the things that is between us is his thought that his father is such a good guy, and part of that is my fault. Growing up I never said a bad word about him, I told Steven his dad loved him but couldn't call because his job made him travel, etc. Steven has had a lot of trouble bonding with him but since his Basic graduation they've done a little better. There is no way I'll tell him about this while he is at AIT, and I don't know if I ever will tell him. But lately when we argue he throws in my face what a good father Ken has become and how he listens to him and supports him,, and now it hurts even more because of what I know. Please forgive this long, written down thought. It's not a rant, I just had to put into words what I'm feeling, because right now I have nowhere else to go with these feelings other than my BYC family. I'm hurting right now, for my lost friend, for my ex husband who has fallen so far I can't describe it, for my son who doesn't really know the man he thinks he does, and for me, because I'm not real sure who I am anymore,, and where I'm going and what I'm doing or how I'll do it.