Me Vs The Raccoons: A Dramatic War Between A Woman, Bandits, and My Feeder


7 Years
Jul 23, 2012
Everything you are about to read is true, and it was just as funny for me as it is probably going to be for you:

I put out my brand new feeder for game birds on the oak tree. The two inch wood looked impenitrable. It required you to enter the feeder house to reach the bird seed mixture. The next morning, I came and saw that something had knawed its way through. So, I replaced the knawed part with plexiglass that I used for my reptile cages.

The next day, I found out that I had really pi ssed off those racoons. This time around, they broke the glass in half. It was covered in scratches. All the seed was gone and so were the birds.

Dang it! So I rebuilt it with the strongest wood I could find, and I added a door the enterance, so I could lock it at night. I peeked out my window all night, waiting for their arrival... I felt like I was playing Zombies vs plants game when they whisper at the beginning of the zombie invasion, "They're coming." Did not see anything.

The next morning... I came out and saw that it was still there. The seeds and all. Feeling like I was the supreme overlord of the yard, I opened up my feeder for business and enjoyed my victory. I came back to close it up for the following night... THEY HAD STRIKED AGAIN! The seeds were spread everywhere and they knawed at the enterance. And I couldn't find the **** lock. Figuring I must of dropped it or something, I took in the box and rebuilt it then added another lock.

This night though, I went out and set up a tent behind a bush a few yards from the tree. I brought out my amazingly trained hunting dog pack that had hunted millions of times before - Glitter, Lovely, and Baby Boo the Miniature Dachshunds. They were some of the best hunters you'd ever see - we never had a lizard problem with these guys around. Surrounded by my pack, we watched with binnoculars the feeder. All night long, I stayed awake waiting for it. Sunrise came. No raccoons, just me and some tired dogs. My family thought I was nuts.

Doing some final adjustments, I tried one final night to catch the raccoons in action.

This time, I decided to leave out a trap with my bird seed mixture as bait. I set it out at 7:00 P.M. I checked the window every few minutes. I knew it would be here soon.

7:38 (as soon as it was dark). I saw eyes glowing from my window as I flashed a light. HA HA HA! I CAUGHT YOU!!! WHOSE LAUGHING NOW?!?!

Going out with the rest of the family in total celebration while they were amazed I actually caught it, my dachshunds howled next to me as if they had caught it themselves. My herding dogs just stared at the racoon, as if saying, "That is one ugly cat. Get it the heck out of here."

When I went to the cage, I was greeted by big sad eyes. It was a total buzz kill. The racoon looked up at me as if saying, "But I like the bird seed." with the accent from the squirrel in over the hedge (anyone remember that movie, ha ha?). I nicknamed the raccoon Dorian Grey.

Suddenly, I was confronted about what to do now. My original plans were to relocate it. But this was his home, and I was just a mere guest. I should be more careful, and therefore I let it out and it ran back to its home tree, which was the oak tree a few meters away. I took down all bird feeders, took my original feeder, transformed it slightly into something for quails, and instead just enjoyed my game birds safe in their locked up yard spaces. The end.

Now, I know what you are thinking, "Why didn't you just take the bird feeder in every night?" Well, it was supposed to be drilled into a tree in memory of a family member who had made it for me. She was a ten year old girl when she died.. So, I was really determined to keep it up. This worked out better though.
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