Mentally Ill Cousin on FB...

[Laurajean]

I have a cousin who is my only cousin of MANY that is my age. When we were small we played together a lot. In our adult years, we haven't really kept in touch much. She has Borderline Personality Disorder, which I know creates a lot of problems in her family. She's had her kids taken from her, and most of her immediately family has distanced themselves from her because of all the problems she's caused. I am distant, literally, I live far away from her, and when she friend requested me on Facebook I saw no reason not to accept. I knew she has emotional problems, but I still love her of course.

Lately she has posted some incredibly rude things on my Facebook wall. She insults my photos, or makes snide remarks on my looks. Or she'll interrupt a thread between me and my friends to type things like "boring..." or "whatever". I talked to her mother, who isn't at all surprised and said I should just unfriend her. I feel bad, because I know she's been ostracized from most of the family, so I've either ignored her comments or deleted them.

Is it cruel to unfriend her? I hate to be mean, because it's not her fault she's mentally ill, but on the other hand she types some really inappropriate stuff! I feel slightly torn between being compassionate and being just plain offended.

Thoughts?

 

[eenie114]

Have you addressed it with her? Seems to me that communication is key. Of course, I don't know much about this disorder, so maybe that would make things worse. But maybe just tell her that you will not have innapropriate things on your wall, and that she needs to stop.

 

[harleyjo]

Another thing you could do if you don't want to unfriend her is block her from seeing most of your stuff. I know it is a pain but you can occassionally let her see a status but keep her blocked from most everything. If something bad gets posted, delete it. You could block her from seeing most statuses and the statuses you want her to see maybe only permit her to see them. Tough situation.

 

[Laurajean]

Quote:
She can't stop, that's the thing. It's not like a normal person who gets rude. She has an extreme form of it, and damaging impulses are a major symptom. It would be like telling a mentally retarded person not to be retarded. She can't help it, and probably has little realization that it's hurtful, or, does it impulsively to hurt others without knowing why. I have told her that the comments are rude, and she can see that I delete them, but it just continues to happen, she really has no impulse control.

That's why I feel bad about the possibility of unfriending her. I don't want to hurt her feelings over something she can't control, but neither do I like having to constantly monitor my facebook page to delete inappropriate comments.

 

[lockedhearts]

Quote:
She can't stop, that's the thing. It's not like a normal person who gets rude. She has an extreme form of it, and damaging impulses are a major symptom. It would be like telling a mentally retarded person not to be retarded. She can't help it, and probably has little realization that it's hurtful, or, does it impulsively to hurt others without knowing why. I have told her that the comments are rude, and she can see that I delete them, but it just continues to happen, she really has no impulse control.

That's why I feel bad about the possibility of unfriending her. I don't want to hurt her feelings over something she can't control, but neither do I like having to constantly monitor my facebook page to delete inappropriate comments.

If it is making you uncomfortable and you are having to police your wall and remove comments, then I think it is best that you unfriend her, while it is not her fault she is the way she is, but it is not your fault either.

 

[naakte]

I have a cousin who is my age and has made a decision to do drugs her whole life. when we were little we played together and had a lot of fun, but the drugs have destroyed her mind. I pray for her to one day get well BUT i wouldnt have her in my life because of her lifes choices. I wouldnt have her even on my facebook, I do love her, but she has to love herself and make changes. I successfully raised my only daughter who works at a christian college as professor. I would not have been a successful Mom had I had people in our life who made bad decisions Period.
My adi=vise to you is to send her an email stating that you do not like the things she is publicly writing in FB, and if she can not be respectful, you will have to delete her from your FB.
Donna in Branson

 

[SourRoses]

Well... I was going to say from the start.. if it was just a matter of annoyance, then there is no point in hurting her feelings over it. Even if she seems mean to others, her feelings inside are probably very sensitive.
Then I saw you say.. she is picking on you and being downright rude. Not something she can help, but not something you should have to deal with, or all your friends who have to go through that with you.

If there is a way to block her from everything.. that's what I would do. Just have her as a friend in name only.. so her picture shows up, but she cannot post anything to you.

If there is no way to do that... I would write her a very apologetic message.. explain to her that when she overcomes this compulsions, is on better medication, just gets better.... and remind her it is possible... that you would be happy to friend her again. Until then, you just need some space from the negativity for your own sanity. That sounds like something I would have understood.
Then unfriend her.

 

[onthespot]

I wonder if she really can't control it, or chooses not to. What if you left her rude comments and just posted after each one, explaining to "the whole world" that she has Borderline Personality Disorder and can't help herself, if she would keep doing it. I bet she wouldn't.

 

[HeatherLynn]

Get a second facebook page. Unfriend her and then send her another friend invite on the second facebook page. It can be for inappropriate friends and mentally ill cousins. I don't say this lightly. I have a second one for my underaged relatives. All my friends are pretty inappropriate so I had to create a safe page for the younger crowd in the family who wanted to be friends. It worked.

 

[NurseELB]

BPD, especially in it's extreme form is very sad. I know you want to "be there" for her, but the best thing you can do is set limits.

Tell her what she is doing is inappropriate and you will not stand for it. Tell her you will unfriend her if she does it again. Give her only 1 chance after you notify her and if she crosses that line, then unfriend her. Let her know that it is her behavior that you don't like, not her as a person. Let her know that if she comes to you in the future and says she is trying to modify her behaviors and is going to therapy you will give her another chance.

I'm sorry you are going through this, I know you want to help her, but honestly, even counseling usually doesn't work with Axis 2 people. Borderlines especially. There is a Dr. at the University of Washington who is having success with dialectical behavioral therapy, but it is pretty much a lifetime commitment for the patient.

Good luck!