With apologies to Clement Clarke Moore. Twas the Night Before Christmas Twas the night before Christmas, and it's still in the house. The family is sleeping so I'm quiet like a mouse. I look at my watch and midnight is near. I think I'll slip out for a cold glass of beer. Down at the corner the crowd is so merry I end up by drinking about twelve Tom & Jerry's. I get to bed late and gee rest how I'm sleeping. When onto my bed those darn kids they come leaping. They sit on my face and they jump on my belly, and I'm quivering all over like a bowl full of jelly. They scream, "Merry Christmas!" My poor wife and me. We stumble downstairs and she lights up the tree. My head is exploding. My mouth tastes like a pickle. I step on a skate and fall on a tricycle. Before Christmas dinner I relax to a point. Than relatives start swarming all over the joint. On Christmas I hug and kiss my wife's mother. The rest of the year, uhhh we don't speak to each other. After dinner my aunt and my wife's uncle Louie get into an argument. They're both awful screwy. And all my wife's family say Louie is right, and my goofy relations they join in the fight. Back in the corner the TV is playing, and over the racket Scott Pelley is saying, "Peace on Earth everybody and good will towards men." and just at that moment, someone slugs uncle Ben! They all run outside whooping so the neighbors will hear. Gee I'm glad Merry Christmas comes just once a year.