Mom is dying

I posted a thread a few weeks ago about my Mom's breast cancer so I thought I'd update everyone (thank you for all the very kind words and support - it has helped so much!) and vent/share a little more.

The last week has been hell, to say the least. After getting my daughter's friend, who is like my adopted daughter, settled into our family (she is living here now due to things not going so great at her house) it all went downhill. Tuesday morning our oldest dog was euthanized due to colon cancer. While going out the door to take him to the vet, my step father called (the one I was having so many problems with) crying and asking me to come as soon as possible since he was having a hard time dealing with my Mom since she couldn't walk or eat. So, I started to get things in order here to fly to CA tomorrow. Before the end of the day on Tuesday, my Mom was in the hospital again, which was probably a blessing for everyone.

During all this, my mom's cousin decided it was his place to call me and tell me to keep my mouth shut and not give advice while I am there because he has it all under control. He called me a family trouble maker and that is why my Mom never shares things with me. My "place" was not to upset her but to make sure that the house was cleaned and Marve had food. I won't even go into what I told him because it isn't fit for this board! Least to say that my stepfather stepped in and took care of him and while he never wants to have anything to do with me again, at least he is out of my hair. This man is 65 years old, you'd think he'd know better.

Last night my stepfather called and told me to sit down (never a good thing). They have stopped the chemo because she is not strong enough to handle it and also because she is dying of the cancer. It is unstoppable. It has spread to her kidneys, brain and possibly other parts of her body via the lymph nodes. Her PET scan came back clean so we are really not sure what happened, but at this point, it really doesn't matter. She is constantly sedated, which is good but I can't help but be selfish and wish I could have had that one last chat with her.

My husband and kids are following to CA as soon as I have more info. Everyone says the kids shouldn't see her like that, but I feel it is important to honor what they want. If they want to see their grandma, knowing the condition she is in, then I will give them that. Everyone should be allowed to deal with death in their own way, even if it is the first time dealing with it. I know I would never trade the few days I had with my Nana when she was dying of cancer. It wasn't pleasant, but it was better than seeing her at the funeral. I really feel they are a cruel last reminder.

Me, I'm dealing it with the way I always do...staying up all night cleaning and keeping busy. I haven't cried yet but I know I will at some point. Right now, I need to be strong for my family, especially my stepfather. I'm not really sure what to expect when I get to CA tomorrow, but I'm pretty sure I'm unprepared for it even with all my strength.

Please keep my family and my Mom in your prayers. At this point, I am hoping for a quick end to her suffering. Thank you again for all your support and for letting me just "talk".